Quantum Principle and Multiverse by Ashenafi Wolde (Ashenafi) - Sci Fi - Sean Bryant is a chemist. He has a huge crush on Megan Ryder, a famous movie star (Megan Fox) and the sexist woman in the world. Sean meets a man named Robert, who claims he is from a parallel universe. Robert gives Sean a formula that unlock the secrete of the multiverse. Sean makes pills that let him access the multiverse, and meets Megan Ryder's copy, who is a waitress in a parallel universe. Sean and Copy Megan have the time of their lives, visiting the most beautiful cities in the multiverse and making love everywhere they could think of it. In the meantime, multiverse control forces warn Sean if he continues to teleport, it will be the death of a lot of universes in super black hole. Sean decides to see the actual Megan Ryder. Sean and Megan have dinner, make love. Sean gives her the multiverse pile despite the consequence... and shows her everything that multiverse has to offer... 100 pages - pdf, format

Holy shit, dude... 200 pages? Part 1 of 2?!

Cut this way back. 200 pages is way too long, especially for a spec. I'm almost certain, based on the length alone, that you could trim a lot. Look out for unnecessary scenes and redundant action lines. Keep dialogue short and to the point, and make sure you don't have any useless characters. If they serve no purpose, remove them. Basically, anything to get this into a workable length (90-120 pages).

Your logline ins't really a logline at all. You need to give us the story, not "Quantum Journey into the multiverse". I'm not even sure what that means. I'm not gonna read 100+ pages if I don't know what it's about.

I'm not sure what you used to format this. Get Celtx or Trelby (both free) because the formatting isn't great. The right software definitely makes life easier, trust me... especially when you're dealing with a script this long.

"Dissolve to" should be "Fade in", and it goes to the left.

Your action lines aren't great. You have the right idea, but there are some issues. For one, you use passive verbiage in your first paragraph. It's when you have "is" or "are", followed by a verb ending in "ing". For example, "they are sitting". It's passive and doesn't belong in a screenplay.

A better way to write this would be "they sit". It's active and reads better. It's probably a good idea to go through your script line-by-line and make sure your sentences are active, since it definitely improves the read.

You tell instead of showing, which is a fatal mistake in screenplays. "They talk about quantum theory in a romantic fashion". How would you film this? You couldn't. Make sure your script stays visual-- instead of telling us "they're talking about quantum theory", let the dialogue speak for itself.

Basically, only write what appears on screen. This is another thing to check for when you revise.

Your dialogue is, for the most part, long-winded and not very interesting, to be honest. It's best to keep dialogue at bare minimum, but here, you have huge paragraphs where characters talk about quantum theory or whatever. Keep it concise-- really, less is more when it comes to dialogue. You may even want to read it out loud.

Trimming the dialogue will shorten this for sure.

"Now We Realizes We Are In A Movie Theater." This threw me for a second. It took me a minute to get it-- the opening scene happened on the movie screen, and now we're watching our real characters watching the movie. Basically, this is not the right way to format this. But to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how you would write it. I don't want to tell you the wrong way, so I'll leave it up to some more technical users here.

Well, I feel like my review went on long enough. Read some scripts around here to get more reads in return.

My best advice is, shorten this to a readable length, and read as many scripts as you can for a better understanding of how it's done.

Hope this helps.

Will

It's actually a lot more than 200 pages I assume. Probably around 250 since that margins seem off.

I skimmed through random dialogue exchanges here and there and honestly, this sounds interesting. But unfortunately, I doubt anybody would bother reading this because of the page length.