Louts Rouge by Ashenafi Wolde - Sci Fi, Fantasy - A story about a writer Louis Ryan who is frozen for a century after he was found guilty for the murder of his wife in the year 2050. 100 years later (2150), Louis is brought back for experiment that studies dream: A new technology has been invited that allows neurologists to see peoples' dreams on video Screens and study their dreams. And Louis Erotic adventure with Emily Taylor (Emma Stone)... 135 pages - pdf, format

Louis Erotic adventure with Emily Taylor (Emma Stone)

If not for that, I probably wouldn't have even opened it. That made me laugh.

Logline's a mess, to be honest, and it's only an indication of what's to come. It's long, awkwardly written with some grammar errors... not to mention it's pretty funny, and I doubt that's your intention.

A logline is just a brief idea of what the script's about-- a main character, their goal, and the stakes. Keep it simple... like, less than two sentences. "A convict comes out of carbon freezing after 100 years to take part in an experiment on dreams." Not great by any means, but you get the idea.

Like I said, it's an indication of what's to come. The script isn't any different than your logline-- problems everywhere. I haven't seen you around so I won't go into too much detail until I'm sure you're around to read this.

My advice is, read a lot of screenplays for a better idea of how it's done. I'm not sure if English is your first language or not, but regardless, study grammar to make sure you're writing sentences correctly.

You could read some screenwriting books, too, but it's not really a must. Read about format and the dos and don'ts of screenwriting online and be sure you aren't making obvious mistakes-- 'cause there are a lot of them here.

Contribute to the boards if you want more reads. I'll go into more detail if you show up.

Hope I don't come across as too harsh. Keep it up...

Will

I’ll look for you to show up hopefully. Some notes on the impressions I’ve gotten so far.

The story may be a good on but is lost somewhat in the fat, as it were.

That means it’s overwritten. Not by a little…but a lot.

141 pages automatically spell overwritten script. The main thing is to keep it lean and tell the story.

Another thing is the camera shots. Lose them. Write the story and let the directors worry about the camera angles. In a spec script, this only serves to get in the way of the story.

You need to think about your action lines here a bit. The action line is to set up a scene and then get out of the way for the story to be told.

These action lines really get in the way of the story.

On the first 3 pages, you use Louis to start your action lines 19 times. That’s like a speed bump after the first few times. After the 50th time, it simply gets old.

In fact, I see a theme where you start almost every action line with someone’s name. You gotta break that up. It reads like instructions.

Also, watch the line count on your action lines as well. Keep them brief. 2 maybe three lines, max…

You’ve got some 6 and 7 line action lines. Most of which is overwritten.

Then all the sudden on page? I don’t know, because the script isn’t numbered. I think page 9 or 10, BAM!

LOUTS ROUGE

Followed by MASSIVE BLOCKS OF ACTION…

8 and 9 lines blocks of action. For no reason really.

Then WHAM!
A dialog line for the ages…

Like 30 lines long. Wow!!!

Boy, you just take off after that…

The longest dialog line I’ve ever seen…

Really…

That sucker is like…

39 lines long…

It’s like war and peace in a single sentence man…

I got lost at this point. I didn’t even really know where you were going with the story.

You love to write, that I can see. I think this is most likely your first script and for that, you should be very proud.

Take what I’ve said as constructive advice.

After all, this is the same advice people gave me when I first started writing and it helped me tremendously.

Do a re-write, trim it down, get to the story and cut the fat and your story will start to surface.

Take care.

Shawn…..><