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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  These Three in Texas Moderators: bert
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  Author    These Three in Texas  (currently 4074 views)
Don
Posted: April 14th, 2013, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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These Three in Texas by James Stampp - Short, Western - A man tells the story that led to his father's imprisonment while waiting for him to arrive from the penitentiary. 19 pages - pdf, format


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J.S.
Posted: April 14th, 2013, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Much obliged, Don.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 14th, 2013, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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James,

I really wanted to like this script.  This is a good example of a story that could have been a homerun, but the pacing is all over the place.

As you labeled this a short western, that is what set the tone for me, not the story.  When you have a lot of VO, which are sparingly used in the genre, they don't work when there is nothing going on.  Even if it wasn't a VO, it went on too long.  All Del did was look at the clock a few times in between large chunks of dialogue.  Instead of throwing in beats, why not take the opportunity to throw in some action lines to set the tone?

The fox and the hare dialogue wasn't bad, but it felt misplaced in the story and lacked the punch I think you were looking for.

The Del/Cordell shootout was right out of an Elmore Leonard short story, so good job on that.  The quirky bit at the end with the Old Man started out good, but should have tapered off into a theme.

If you ever rework this one, let me know and I'll check it out.

Johnny

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crookedowl
Posted: April 14th, 2013, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, that's a lot of V.O.....

The biggest problem is, the V.O. goes on for five pages, and nothing else happens. That's five minutes on screen, just watching a guy sitting still while a narrator talks.

It's rare for writers to pull off V.O., but I never like to tell writers not to use it. If you do stick with it, though, you need to shorten it A LOT, and at least give us something interesting to watch on screen.

Not to mention the V.O. is written in dialect, which makes it hard to get through. Just spell everything normal and leave room for the actors to do accents.

"FADE IN on DEL" -- What's this supposed to mean? You already said "FADE IN: EXT. TEXAS DINER", so why are we fading in again?

Sorry, man, not for me.

Will
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Ledbetter
Posted: April 14th, 2013, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James,

This might be the first work I’ve read of yours.

The first thing I noticed was your opening slug.

INT. TEXAS DINER (1927) (LATE MORNING)

Should read more like-

INT. TEXAS DINER – DAY

SUPER: 1927

It’s better to establish the time in a super rather than in the slug.

In your first opening dialog, you really might want to think about breaking that up some.

See the (beats)? Use those as opportunities to interject some action lines and break it up.

He take a drag from his smoke, he stares beyond the rolling tumble weeds, anything to break it up.

Otherwise the dialog seems way to long and uninterrupted.

I like the unique voice you gave Del. Very effective.
At page – 4 and this dialog has got to be moved around some. These blocks are           Gi-Normus…


From what I’m reading the whole thing is done as a voice over. That’s a different approach.

Then Cordell and Sam get together and the dialog is pretty good but you need to break some of that up as well. There is no hard and fast rule on amount of dialog line but when they start getting close to a page long in a single line, you might want that to be your guide to determine whether it’s too long or not.


I’m  a firm believer that anytime you have a (beat) you have a missed opportunity for something else. A moment, a action line, hell even a glance would be better then

A beat,

And nothing else.

Then, the dialog levels out and works perfectly. Do yourself a favor. Do what you did in the second half of the script in the first half.

In the second half of the script, your dialog / action ratio is very effective.

Do that for the first half of the script and this story will really come together.

It was a good story. It just needs some love on the first few pages.

Shawn…..><



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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 14th, 2013, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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Notes on These Three in Texas


During VO you could use action lines as a flashback. That way you could cut parts of the VO altogether and show us in pictures.

I don't mind the dialect. I once read an entire novel written in the Scottish dialect. All the way through, both dialogue and prose. I can get used to it. Although I have to admit that this seems heavily dialogue driven and it's a little hard going. It really needs some visuals and I believe the flashback sequences could be the way to go. As it stands I'm going to skip past it and see what the rest of the story has to offer.

Now when you get to the action things are looking good. I've missed out a lot of the conversation, so I'm not exactly sure who has done what... but somebody has definitely done something. Your action lines are well written.

OK, now I get the story. Daddy gets blamed for the crime and does the time, he gets out and wants revenge. I like stories like this and it has potential.
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J.S.
Posted: April 14th, 2013, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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First off, thanks for the reads guys. It's not meant to be everyone's cup of tea; I would be the first to admit it. But I am always curious to see how different people will react to my writing And because I know it's not to everyone's taste, it's specially more interesting to me to see "negative" reactions or people who struggle with it.


Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
James,
I really wanted to like this script.  This is a good example of a story that could have been a homerun, but the pacing is all over the place.


Thanks for the read Johnny. Really appreciate it. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with the pacing. I think it depends on the way you're reading it. I don't know, maybe it feels that way because the "first part" is all V.O. and then it runs into being a conversation, so I could see how it might appear odd, but I don't think that's a pacing issue. It's just unorthodox, I understand.


Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo

As you labeled this a short western, that is what set the tone for me, not the story.  When you have a lot of VO, which are sparingly used in the genre, they don't work when there is nothing going on.  Even if it wasn't a VO, it went on too long.  All Del did was look at the clock a few times in between large chunks of dialogue.  Instead of throwing in beats, why not take the opportunity to throw in some action lines to set the tone?


Excellent question. I think in an earlier draft I had him exchange lines with a waitress but I found this too distracting. So what I settled on was the idea that this guy is telling us a story about his father, like he was maybe telling it to his son or grandson or something like that, and we're listening in. But I wanted to do it in V.O. because I wanted to set the tone for everything that would happen and I wanted to do sort of like a Flannery O'Conner or Charles Portis type of story. Granted, this is a short script, so the V.O. would most likely not have gone on so long for me in a feature script, but that's what I was after. Long V.O. And I know V.O. is not everyone's cup of tea, and I think maybe that's what turned you off from it. V.O. can be dull for some, I understand. But I think can be effective. The guy's southern, drawls, talks a bit slower, so you're hanging on to every word to get the story. Believe me, the first draft V.O. was 8 pages long


Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo

The fox and the hare dialogue wasn't bad, but it felt misplaced in the story and lacked the punch I think you were looking for.


I can actually agree with you here. I think it didn't end that well the way I wanted it to. Actually there was more dialogue that I omitted before that story, because it was becoming a bore, and I guess I didn't really revise this part. That's my mistake. I probably should have sort of smooth-en it out a bit and building more relevance around his "point."


Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo

The quirky bit at the end with the Old Man started out good, but should have tapered off into a theme.

Not sure what you mean here. I think it does end with a point, the last line of dialogue does. It kind of brings it all together.


Quoted from crookedowl
Wow, that's a lot of V.O.....

The biggest problem is, the V.O. goes on for five pages, and nothing else happens. That's five minutes on screen, just watching a guy sitting still while a narrator talks.

It's rare for writers to pull off V.O., but I never like to tell writers not to use it. If you do stick with it, though, you need to shorten it A LOT, and at least give us something interesting to watch on screen.


I touched on the V.O. thing in my response to Johnny, but with respect to watching what the guy does, yeah, I probably should have indicated that he just does his own thing, you know, acts, improvises, does whatever. And that our attention shouldn't deviate from him too much because then the audience won't be able to focus on what he's saying but on some other action. That was my reasoning for not showing much action because the audience wouldn't pay attention to what he's telling us. Well, anyway, that was the angle I took with it.


Quoted from crookedowl

Not to mention the V.O. is written in dialect, which makes it hard to get through. Just spell everything normal and leave room for the actors to do accents.


It can be, yes. I had trouble with Flannery O'Conner when I started reading her. But after a while, you get used to it. I think it's an effective way for me to imagine the character. That's why I write it that way. And peculiar inflections the actors make on the words is an added bonus in my book


Quoted from crookedowl

"FADE IN on DEL" -- What's this supposed to mean? You already said "FADE IN: EXT. TEXAS DINER", so why are we fading in again?


No, it's one fade in. The second fade in is the indication that we're fading in on the character himself and not sort of generally on the diner as I was describing it in the action line previous.


Quoted from crookedowl

Sorry, man, not for me.

Appreciate the honesty, Will


Quoted from Ledbetter
Hey James,

This might be the first work I've read of yours.

The first thing I noticed was your opening slug.

INT. TEXAS DINER (1927) (LATE MORNING)


Thanks for the read, Shawn.
That was meant to establish the year in terms of the diner, its occupants (guests, cook, waitress, etc.), set design, etc. I guess I could have used an action line, but I believe in brevity in a script, so I just put it in the slug. No harm done in raising this though.


Quoted from Ledbetter

I like the unique voice you gave Del. Very effective.
At page � 4 and this dialog has got to be moved around some. These blocks are           Gi-Normus


Since I addressed most of this above, I don't think that I have more to say on it, but yeah, I figured the V.O. would be VERY off-putting for a lot of folks


Quoted from Ledbetter

From what I'm reading the whole thing is done as a voice over. That's a different approach.


You're right. That's the approach, alright. Haha


Quoted from Ledbetter

There is no hard and fast rule on amount of dialog line but when they start getting close to a page long in a single line, you might want that to be your guide to determine whether it's too long or not.


I think that's a good point, and I try to stick to that generally. Dialogue between too people is generally more entertaining than when you have soliloquies. But when I am writing and I am into the whole thing, I'm not really checking how long it is. And even after I go back and say, yeah, that line can go because it's getting dull there, I'll cut it. But, I think, as long as it's done right, as long as I'm getting the soliloquy to work, and it's not dull, then I think I'm sold &#61514; Again, it might just be a taste thing, so that's why it's not striking the right chord with every single person. And as I said before, I didn�t really foresee it to.
Again, thanks so much for read, buddy.


Quoted from DustinBowcot

Although I have to admit that this seems heavily dialogue driven and it's a little hard going.


Dustin, thanks for the read. Much appreciated.
I guess, because it�s difficult for me to see exactly where the problem lies from your perspective of the story, that is, if there�s a specific line or point at which it becomes �hard going�, it would be helpful if you were a bit more specific. Otherwise, I�m not sure how else I can address this now.


Quoted from DustinBowcot

[S]o I'm not exactly sure who has done what... but somebody has definitely done something.


That my friend, just might make it into the rewrite I could picture Del saying this...in voice-over obviously


Quoted from DustinBowcot

Your action lines are well written.

OK, now I get the story. Daddy gets blamed for the crime and does the time, he gets out and wants revenge. I like stories like this and it has potential.


Thanks, Dustin.
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Forgive
Posted: April 14th, 2013, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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You're taking this piss surely? co-incidentally, I just got a job that's almost all vo, but it doesn't mean I'm just going to stick vo all over the page - you just have to break this up some - anything dialogue-heavy vo or other-wise has to be addressed to the visual. The simple question here is what's happening on-screen while he's chit-chattin' away? You already got some references, like the cigarette and the location, so I'd check out pulp fiction maybe and see how that's done, as even though its dialogue heavy it still gets broken up now and again with the waitress and coffee and stuff.
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J.S.
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Quoted from Forgive
You're taking this piss surely? co-incidentally, I just got a job that's almost all vo, but it doesn't mean I'm just going to stick vo all over the page - you just have to break this up some - anything dialogue-heavy vo or other-wise has to be addressed to the visual. The simple question here is what's happening on-screen while he's chit-chattin' away? You already got some references, like the cigarette and the location, so I'd check out pulp fiction maybe and see how that's done, as even though its dialogue heavy it still gets broken up now and again with the waitress and coffee and stuff.


Thanks.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 15th, 2013, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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In regards to the specific point that it gets hard going JS, it's more psychological when I see the amount of of dialogue I have to read right from the beginning. But I tried to read it, got to around page 3 and saw that it just continued and continued. If you hadn't have responded to mine I would have given up and left this one without a response.

However, I'm glad that I did have a look at what comes past the VO because it was well done. I feel that you have missed with this one as a whole... but the concept is still a good one and just needs a bit of work.
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J.S.
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Thanks Dustin. I've worked on it some.

I've mulled it over, and while I do think there does lie an issue with the V.O., I don't think its the length per se. I don't think there's excitement in it. That's the real issue I see with it now. And while it won't be a walk in the park to fix that, I have some ideas for it. Also, the "second act", the exchange between Sam and Cordell is not satisfying me, including the story about the fox and the hare, so a good majority of that will need to be rewritten. There's something about it that falls flat, and I'm not even sure if I could fix that. It might take me a while to rework that.

But thanks for the feedback. It gives me more perspective on where the real issue is, which wasn't quite apparent to me.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 15th, 2013, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Hey James, not sure if I've eve read anything of yours before, but I know I see you on the boards often, so I figured why not give you some feedback as well.

I didn't read the comments until I stopped reading.

James, these are my opinions and if you disagree, that's fine.  My words are not meant to hurt, only to help.

Right out of the gate, you have immediate issues on display and that's just not the way you ever want to start things out.

Your opening Slug is a mess, sorry to say.  You don't want a date in your Slugs.  You don't want parentheses in your Slugs.  Even the Slug itself - TEXAS DINER - has issues.  I'm sure the diner is not actually called "Texas Diner", but that you're telling us it looks like a diner in Texas, but I don't know what that really is supposed to look like, as diners all over the country don't look all that different inside.

Your opening action/description line is also very "odd", especially the way it begins.  I've never read a script that opens like this...and honestly, I hope I never do again.  Th wording, phrasing, even the assumed visual about the darkness compared to outside - all does not work as written.

Your next passage is also riddled with errors, which makes me wonder about reading any further, actually.  You've already had a FADE IN, so why you'd want to add one here is beyond me.  Your description of Del is overwritten.  Too much detail.    I always advise to never use semi colons in screenwriting, as they just aren't necessary.  This is a 5 line passage and there's absolutely no reason for it. You have incomplete thoughts, subbing as sentences. You have detailed visual descriptions that no one cares about.  And finally, you end with 2 separate fragments that have nothing to do with what you faded in on in the whole passage.  The center of your passage is Del.  "Light guest count." has nothing to do with this and if anything, should be a separate passage.  Then, for some reason that I don't understand,  you end the passage with, "With a strong voice:", which obviously is in reference to the V.O. that hasn't started yet.  You never want to do this type of thing is a screenplay, as it's a novelistic way to write.  If anything, you'd want a wrylie, but it's not important enough to waste a line, really.

OK, so then we go into what appears to be a 3 or 4 page V.O. while Del sits in this diner, smoking a cig.  No other visuals going on for 3+ minutes?  Seriously?  This is supposed to be a screenplay, not a novel.  Screenplays are visual, this is not.

To make matters worse, you decided to write the V.O. in a strange, hard to read dialect, but before I even go there, I see what seems to me to be a very big mistake on the very first line of the V.O.  According to the incorrectly formatted opening Slug, it's the year 1927, right?  Del gives us the V.O. and he says in the year 1949, 22 years later than where we now are, his Dad got arrested.  Huh?  Am I missing something here?  That makes zero sense.

This V.O. just seems to go on and on, with nothing more than the occasional "(beat)", and zero visuals.  On Page 2 and Page 3, the only action/description line you use (a total of twice) is Del looking at "the" (what clock is that, again?) clock, showing that times is definitely passing.  On Page 4, he grabs another smoke and lights it.  So, through 4 pages, or 4 minutes of film, all we see is this guy sitting in a diner, smoking 2 cigs!  Seriously?  For reals?

So, at this point, after just skimming the actual V.O., I'm out for good.  IMO, it doesn't matter what happens from here on out, because you've given me 4+ pages with absolutely nothing happening.  Not the way a screenplay is supposed to work, IMO.

I hope this doesn't come off as harsh and I also hope it helps and makes sense.

Take care, James.
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J.S.
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Thanks for your thoughts Dreasmscale,

No, it doesn't come off as harsh But I do think a good portion of what you said is an underestimation of the script.


Quoted from Dreamscale

Right out of the gate, you have immediate issues on display and that's just not the way you ever want to start things out.

Your opening Slug is a mess, sorry to say.  You don't want a date in your Slugs.  You don't want parentheses in your Slugs.  



Well, first off, I'm going to disagree with you on the year based on the evidence, not on opinion. There are numerous scripts I've read and have encountered that use a date as a point of reference not just for the reader but also for how things ought to look on screen. E.g. The King's Speech, Prometheus, Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy. I'm sure there are a couple others, it's been a long time since I've seen it in a script, and I can't remember for the life of me where I've seen it, but those are a few. It is used and with parentheses.


Quoted from Dreamscale


Even the Slug itself - TEXAS DINER - has issues.  I'm sure the diner is not actually called "Texas Diner", but that you're telling us it looks like a diner in Texas, but I don't know what that really is supposed to look like, as diners all over the country don't look all that different inside.



It's just a general diner in Texas. There's no specific location, that's sort of free for others to decide. And then there's a bit of contradiction in what you said. First you said you don't know what it's suppose to look like, and then you said diners all over the country don't look all that different. So, I mean, come on. Give me a break It's just a diner that's situated in Texas. I'm sure the art department can get creative with that. I'm sure I have the option of indicating that in the voice-over. But in terms of this being a slug issue, I'm not buying it. I'm fairly liberal to criticism as obviously I want to improve myself. But I just think you're wrong about this. And above all, it's in the TITLE! So no, I'm not buying it.


Quoted from Dreamscale


Your opening action/description line is also very "odd", especially the way it begins.  I've never read a script that opens like this...and honestly, I hope I never do again.  Th wording, phrasing, even the assumed visual about the darkness compared to outside - all does not work as written.



I don't see the issue with it. It's pretty straight forward. I don't think others who read it had issue with it.


Quoted from Dreamscale


Your next passage is also riddled with errors, which makes me wonder about reading any further, actually.  You've already had a FADE IN, so why you'd want to add one here is beyond me.



The FADE IN happens on the character himself. It means, don't FADE IN on the general atmosphere of the diner first, FADE IN on Del himself.


Quoted from Dreamscale

Your description of Del is overwritten.  Too much detail.    I always advise to never use semi colons in screenwriting, as they just aren't necessary.  This is a 5 line passage and there's absolutely no reason for it. You have incomplete thoughts, subbing as sentences. You have detailed visual descriptions that no one cares about.


I wish I could agree with you, especially how I have written it in the first draft, but I just can't. The description of him is one line. That's it. Then there's action of what he's doing as we FADE IN, but that's not description of the character.


Quoted from Dreamscale

And finally, you end with 2 separate fragments that have nothing to do with what you faded in on in the whole passage.  The center of your passage is Del.  "Light guest count." has nothing to do with this and if anything, should be a separate passage.


This is true, yes. I don't know why I hadn't caught that. That should go in the previous action paragraph. That's a good catch.


Quoted from Dreamscale

Then, for some reason that I don't understand,  you end the passage with, "With a strong voice:", which obviously is in reference to the V.O. that hasn't started yet.  You never want to do this type of thing is a screenplay, as it's a novelistic way to write.  If anything, you'd want a wrylie, but it's not important enough to waste a line, really.


I'm not going to start quoting screenplays where this has happened, but believe me, it happens, a lot. Now, in terms of whether its important or not, that's a different issue. Actually I decided to add "slowly" to control the pacing a bit more. I think it's important.


Quoted from Dreamscale

OK, so then we go into what appears to be a 3 or 4 page V.O. while Del sits in this diner, smoking a cig.  No other visuals going on for 3+ minutes?  Seriously?  This is supposed to be a screenplay, not a novel.  Screenplays are visual, this is not.


The idea was to write a story in one location. Even in a feature script I wouldn't have gone on so long with the voice over. I guess I could have started on landscapes and done something like that, eventually leading to the diner, which might also be possible under a budget. But I think so long as the audience is focused only on the character, they can pay attention to the dialogue. Otherwise, they'll be distracted by visuals. That was my reasoning behind it, and not sort of interrupting with action, as I could have. Also, another thing I should have mentioned. This is written in the Courier New font and not the Courier New Final Draft font which arguably shortens the page length. I think it comes out as 3.5 pages in that font. It is long, yes. Do I have to rework it so it's more interesting, yes. Is it unorthodox, yes. But after all, this is a short, and it's hard to establish the story of what is going to happen next without setting it up with a voice over. It's like taking 40 pages worth of feature film voice over and packing it into 3.5 pages. It's difficult to do without loosing the important stuff, and the characterization and all. But I'm working on putting more excitement in it. It's a short, so in order to get the most out of it, there needs to be long voice over. I will probably shorten it some, in the course of trying to make it exciting, but not by much.


Quoted from Dreamscale

To make matters worse, you decided to write the V.O. in a strange, hard to read dialect,


Haha, I can already tell this isn't your type of story.


Quoted from Dreamscale

but before I even go there, I see what seems to me to be a very big mistake on the very first line of the V.O.  According to the incorrectly formatted opening Slug, it's the year 1927, right?  Del gives us the V.O. and he says in the year 1949, 22 years later than where we now are, his Dad got arrested.  Huh?  Am I missing something here?  That makes zero sense.


Yeah, you're right. And I noticed this last night. I don't know why the hell I didn't realize this before. There are a lot of issues with that in general. The car thing, the whole high speed pursuit thing, so I'm working on that. But that's an easy fix.


Quoted from Dreamscale

This V.O. just seems to go on and on, with nothing more than the occasional "(beat)", and zero visuals.  On Page 2 and Page 3, the only action/description line you use (a total of twice) is Del looking at "the" (what clock is that, again?) clock, showing that times is definitely passing.  On Page 4, he grabs another smoke and lights it.  So, through 4 pages, or 4 minutes of film, all we see is this guy sitting in a diner, smoking 2 cigs!  Seriously?  For reals?


V.O.'s are not everyone's cup of tea, I understand. I could understand if it started to sag and meander, which I don't think it does. It's just that it's not nearly as exciting as it needs to be. But givent the nature of the story, it's imparitive that I have in there. If you don't like Flannery O'Conner, Charles Portis, William Faulkner, Cormac McCarthy, Southern Gothic type of stories, I don't think it's the story for you. Granted, their writing is better than mine It's a short, so different rules apply, because the intention is to set-up what happens next, and its extremly, extremly difficult to do all that without giving a long voice over. It's a short and not a feature script where you can flesh all that out.

The clock bit, that's a mistake due to what happened from an earlier draft. Good catch.


Quoted from Dreamscale

So, at this point, after just skimming the actual V.O., I'm out for good.  IMO, it doesn't matter what happens from here on out, because you've given me 4+ pages with absolutely nothing happening.  Not the way a screenplay is supposed to work, IMO.


A lot has happened. You just didn't read it.


Quoted from Dreamscale

I hope this doesn't come off as harsh and I also hope it helps and makes sense.

Take care, James.


Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate that you gave it a go, even though I can see you're just not a fan of the genre I'm going for. So that's understandable.

All the best,
-J.S.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
J.S.  -  April 15th, 2013, 3:57pm
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M.Alexander
Posted: April 15th, 2013, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoy a western as much as the next guy.  But, James, you're gonna hafta kill off some of your babies.  I.E. the V.O.

It's just too much.   Bottom line.

On a positive note, you do have a knack for writing dialogue.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 15th, 2013, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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OK, James.  I don't want to get in anymore arguments with peeps about this or that, as I'm just tired of i and it never goes anywhere.

I will say just a few things and we can leave it at that, or you can respond back again.

We've all seen pretty much anything anyone can bring up in scripts, be they high level Pro, or low level amateur.  Just because a Pro does something, it doesn't mean it's right or the way everyone should write.

If a date, time, year, whatever is important to your story, you need to use a SUPER.  The reason for writing a script is to have it turned into a film.  Anyone watching a filmed version of this will not know what year it is, as they will not be able to read your Slug.  There's just no reason to do this and the more complicated your scripts become, the more issues you'll have if you continue this.

Having a V.O. take place for minutes on end with absolutely nothing going on onscreen is never, ever going to fly.  Films are visual experiences.  I just can't imagine sitting somewhere watching a a guy smoke a cig or 2 for 4 or 5 minutes while a V.O. takes place.  Just is not the way to go at all and never will be.

You say tat you had to do it this way, based on the backstory you have to tell, but what you're really saying is that this story, told this way, is not meant to be a visual or filmed entity.  It's just not.  It sounds more like a short story, and there's quite a huge difference.

I wish you the best with this and only intend on helping out where I think I can.  Take care.
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