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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Adm & Eiv Moderators: bert
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  Author    Adm & Eiv  (currently 6478 views)
Don
Posted: April 16th, 2013, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Adm & Eiv by Dustin Bowcott - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Love and rebellion among a group of Interstellar Guardians results in the emergence of the Human Race. 96 pages - pdf, format


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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 17th, 2013, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for listing this. I know it is a lot to ask to read a feature and this one should be pretty crisp up until a point so not much wrong int he first 10. If anyone wants to swap feature reads I'll be happy to do so. I have a brief synopsis of this story that I'll lay out for you now:

This is an alternate version of the “Paradise Lost” story with a Sci Fi background. Adm & Eiv follows the fall of Azazel, of alien origin, who sacrifices his position as an Interstellar Guardian in a forbidden act of compassion. Exiled to pre-historic “Erth”, in his bitterness Azazel creates “Helle” for the planets pre-human inhabitants. But not all the inhabitants are the cowed sheep Azazel believes them to be, and the Guardians have long memories. In the end, the inevitable conflict results in the cataclysmic birth of humanity.


Very succinct synopsis and not actually written by me, but I like it enough to use it... that and I'm too lazy to write my own.

What I've set out to achieve with this story is obviously set the (Biblical) Paradise Lost story to a sci-fi background... and in so doing actually make the story, I dare say, believable. Just as with Paradise Lost, this story follows the rise and fall of Azazel (satan) and also the coming together of Adam and Eve.

I've been working on this script for 6 months, this is the third rewrite with a total of probably 8 drafts now. I think there are still weaknesses in this script... but after a while it gets harder to see them. Anyone genuinely capable of seeing those weaknesses and up for a swap, hit me up.
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KevinLenihan
Posted: April 17th, 2013, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Took a peek just because the idea of doing an alien version of Paradise Lost intrigues me.

Page one may have lost me, though. But if you can explain it here I might proceed. Where it lost me was neanderthals being in North America, which there is no evidence of. Neanderthals were not a world wide phenomena.

In fact, unless you want to go with bigfoot, there were no pre-humans in the Americas.

This is an easy fix. Just switch the location to Europe, if that can work with the story.

The thing is when a writer gets basic facts wrong early in something like sci fi it tends to turn me away because I assume there will be more to follow. That might not be fair, but with an amateur script it's my assumption.

I am interested in the Paradise idea, so maybe you could chip in with an explanation and I will be encouraged to continue.

You've put a lot of work into this, so I hope this kind of thing can be fixed or explained. My fear is that if I have this reaction to the neanderthal thing other readers will as well.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 18th, 2013, 2:58am Report to Moderator
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Hi Kevin... thanks for giving it a go. Unfortunately though, if the Cali thing is going to put you off then so may the rest as I have not gone with complete historical fact. I am using artistic license. Neanderthals are also not depicted with ginger fur, nor as being particularly intelligent. The Cro-Magnon were not black and neither are angels, or Nphilim (Nephilim).

I do believe that Neanderthals were relatively intelligent. I also believe it is possible that they were established in N America too. Just as they were in Australia, Africa and Europe, China too. Different types of apes, from a  similar family, developing in different parts of the world at the same time.

This is definitely not an error. I have studied this thing at length. Mostly, when you look deeper, you find a lot of guesswork being made by scientists. They use fragments of evidence to build a picture. However they are missing vital pieces of evidence as one always is when they don't know the full picture. One new discovery could break the mould for everything that has gone before it.

Another reason is this film is for Hollywood and California is the perfect place to film this. It has everything from snow to lush greenery. Lake Crow is obviously Lake Crowley. The Casa Diablo Mountain. How could I not use that? Also too that the Caldera is one huge volcano. Perfect. Volcano equals Brimstone, heat, hell.

This is not a historically accurate portrayal of the Neanderthal movements across the planet. It is the telling of the birth of modern man, my way. I agree that there isn't any credible evidence for neanderthals in America yet, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

If you have a feature here Kevin, I'll give it a read.
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KevinLenihan
Posted: April 18th, 2013, 6:07am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the offer. What I'll do is this, Dustin: I am swamped at the moment with Nicholl's final deadline being April 31. After that if I can dig deeper I will. I'm not going to suggest any reads of my own stuff at this time just because I wish to avoid commitments at the moment.

I believe the opinion on neanderthal intelligence as moved quite a bit in recent years. They had larger brains than homo sapiens and more signs of sophistication are found every year. So I can readily buy into the activity you portray them with.

I'm not sure they have bee located in Australia, or sub-Saharran Africa. For the most part they are Europe. However, their genes are found in all humans except Africans. This suggests significant cross breeding at some point. That's my memory of it anyway.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 18th, 2013, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from KevinLenihan
Thanks for the offer. What I'll do is this, Dustin: I am swamped at the moment with Nicholl's final deadline being April 31. After that if I can dig deeper I will. I'm not going to suggest any reads of my own stuff at this time just because I wish to avoid commitments at the moment.

I believe the opinion on neanderthal intelligence as moved quite a bit in recent years. They had larger brains than homo sapiens and more signs of sophistication are found every year. So I can readily buy into the activity you portray them with.

I'm not sure they have bee located in Australia, or sub-Saharran Africa. For the most part they are Europe. However, their genes are found in all humans except Africans. This suggests significant cross breeding at some point. That's my memory of it anyway.


Ok, thanks Kevin.

Yes you are right, I was getting confused with modern humans.

Good luck with the Nicholl.
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JamesTheJudged
Posted: April 26th, 2013, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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I read the first ten pages and I can say that I like this!

The imagery really sticks out for me, lush area to the absence of space in just the first ten pages.

I also like the NPHILIM not having a specific gender, which yes is what a Nphilim is but it's not very typical in a film.

Would the Nphilim speak another language? Or is this the Hollywood term of everyone speaks English, it doesn't bother me but I'm just curious to know.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 29th, 2013, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JamesTheJudged
I read the first ten pages and I can say that I like this!

The imagery really sticks out for me, lush area to the absence of space in just the first ten pages.

I also like the NPHILIM not having a specific gender, which yes is what a Nphilim is but it's not very typical in a film.

Would the Nphilim speak another language? Or is this the Hollywood term of everyone speaks English, it doesn't bother me but I'm just curious to know.


Thanks for the read. The Nphilim do speak another language but to make things easy, particularly as they spend a lot of time in the script, I decided to just use English.

Thanks again.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: May 5th, 2013, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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New LogLine for this script:

When a divine alien species becomes marooned on Earth, their interaction with the indigenous Neanderthals creates an epic conflict that will go on to become the basis for the bible.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 3:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Courhaw
i'm always curious about the originator of any comments made regarding my scripts. so, to the end, i decided to give your work a read.

dustin, why is a large forest capped? does this script purport to say that the history of the bible started in california, among neanderthals. i'm certainly not in the demo which gins to such a far-flung concept.
is this a shooting script? your first slug line seems to make the suggestion that it is one. neanderthals, with ginger, are deftly fishing with sharpened wood stakes. yeah, that's pretty passive. and, since it's so early on, it ruins the read. then, there's one child who tries to catch a fish in her hand...? wow, yeah. a short distance away there's a haphazard? well, you should have explained exactly what that haphazard was...how do i know what kind of haphazard it is? why would it be there if it's a hazard? haven't the ginger coated neanderthals seen it before? if so, why haven't they gotten rid of it? what makes it hazardous? also, you didn't end that sentence...

trays woven from grasses? a huge explanation of where they...and all of that sort of filler material just needs to go. what good is it? what purpose does it serve for the story?

farm area containing...wow, an adverb...some call them gerunds...come on, man, you're better than that, surely, no?

dude, look, here's my advice...try harder. not only does your style need a big uplift, but your story sucks. who in the heck is going to like neanderthals in ice age california starting the bible story? think about it, man.

so, after reading about a half of page of yours, the jury is in with its verdict.

thanks, again, dustinbowcott. i got ya loud and clear, friend.

oh, i noticed you seemed to have just ignored my other work that's posted. don't worry, i'll chalk it up to your busy schedule. peace.


I should add that for some odd reason courhaw posted this review to my private messages.

Thanks for the review courhaw.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 3:46am Report to Moderator
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Just for the record courhaw, here is the definition of haphazard: lacking any obvious principle of organization.

Oh my.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
DustinBowcot  -  October 23rd, 2013, 4:07am
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courhaw
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 4:51am Report to Moderator
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dustinbowcott, i sent you the email b/c i clicked on your link and read your script. and, not knowing that it was posted here on the thread, i wanted to give you my feedback. anyway, don't take it so hard, dustinbowcott. as long as you believe in your work, it doesn't matter who thinks it sucks.

well, now is haphazard a thing or an idea? the way you wrote it makes it seem to be a thing. as i know it, and as you've pointed out to me, haphazard describes a state of being, dustinbowcott. i was confused, to say the least.

just returning the favor for your time and effort, dustinbowcott. i truly do appreciate your review, as well.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 5:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from courhaw
dustinbowcott, i sent you the email b/c i clicked on your link and read your script. and, not knowing that it was posted here on the thread, i wanted to give you my feedback. anyway, don't take it so hard, dustinbowcott. as long as you believe in your work, it doesn't matter who thinks it sucks.

well, now is haphazard a thing or an idea? the way you wrote it makes it seem to be a thing. as i know it, and as you've pointed out to me, haphazard describes a state of being, dustinbowcott. i was confused, to say the least.

just returning the favor for your time and effort, dustinbowcott. i truly do appreciate your review, as well.



I had to actually take a look at the script to figure out what you were talking about, and this is the section here:

Code

A short distance from the lake's edge rests a
haphazard

MARKET

where the Neanderthals trade food and artistic
trinkets laid out on trays made from grasses that are
woven by another close-by trader.



Now I realise why you got confused. You would need to know the definition of haphazard, that would really help...

You also aren't sharp enough to pick up on the style used. That's unfortunate... for you. Most people are intelligent enough to grasp it right away.
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courhaw
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 5:42am Report to Moderator
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very well, dustinbowcott. thanks, again.
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bert
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin, just perusing threads this morning I came across the exchange above.

I felt compelled to add that haphazard is an adjective, used to describe a noun -- while you have used it as a noun in the above context -- hence the confusion.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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