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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Quality Control - Produced! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Quality Control - Produced!  (currently 2177 views)
Don
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quality Control by Ammar Salmi (realxwriter) - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A clone has to prove to an observer that he deserves a second chance in order to avoid incineration. 6 pages - pdf, format

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Check out the website and imdb





Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 26th, 2018, 6:40pm
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Pale Yellow
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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Wow I simply love this! I totally cared for the clone ...wanted him to get away!

Great job on this!!!!
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M.Alexander
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Aside from a couple personal pet peeves, I'm in agreement with dena.  Well-written.   Good story-telling.  Emotional tug.  Nice twist
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spesh2k
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ammar,

This was pretty good. Description was very well written. The dialogue was decent too, though it threw me off a bit when Clone said "dude".

I really rooted for Clone/Leo. Part of that was because your villain David was such an ass. My only suggestion, maybe show David's face? Once or twice would suffice. And especially when he is arrested. I so badly wanted to see his face when he was arrested.

Nevertheless, great work.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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KAlbers
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm, seems like someone is a Kubrick fan....

I would change up the names only twice, three times makes it confusing - start off the "Clone 36" Right off the bat, X the "Man" title.

I felt like we were going back and forth between two locations, the white room and the surveillance room (particularly a CU on the monitor) I think this should be clear, otherwise I don't understand how the red circle thing works, along with the chart overlay, etc.

Other than that, and couple other minor things, not a bad little story. Seems easy enough to shoot.

Best,
Kev


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realxwriter
Posted: April 22nd, 2013, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Words of appreciation fail me. I thank you all for your kind comments and reviews. I always knew simplyscript was a great spot for screenwriters,  but only now I knew how great it really is.

I know it's a give and take community. I promise to give as much reviews for others work as I get for mine.


It was meant as found footage script, this is why I wanted to stick to one camera.

As for the data overlay, I guess it was recorded along with the video feed like time and date stamp in video cameras.

Thanks everyone again.

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realxwriter  -  February 13th, 2015, 11:48am
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 22nd, 2013, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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Nice concept... some bad grammar here and there but over all a pretty decent story.
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rc1107
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ammar.

Yeah, I have to admit.  Not too bad at all.  A crisp read.  I cared as much for MAN/CLONE 36/LEO as much anybody else, and I'm not one to like people with aliases too much.  I'd simply call him CLONE 36 from the start, and then CLONE 36/LEO later.

I do agree the exchange would work better if it was intercut with where ever David is.  The red/green thing would make more sense and it'd be nice to see David get his just desserts.

Good job, and welcome to SimplyScripts Ammar.  I hope to see you around.

- Mark


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Don
Posted: January 26th, 2018, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Check out the website and imdb





Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Warren
Posted: January 26th, 2018, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats


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eldave1
Posted: January 26th, 2018, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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Very cool!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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