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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    March, 2013 1+6WC  ›  Naughty Claus = 1+6WC Feature
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  Author    Naughty Claus = 1+6WC Feature  (currently 4809 views)
Don
Posted: April 27th, 2013, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Naughty Claus by Renee Joynson (bflywings) - Comedy - When a stuck up business woman buys a stolen phone she is thrust into the life of an angel where controlling her new life will be harder than it seems in her pursuit to earn a set of angel wings. 93 pages - pdf, format

Here are the first 11 pages: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1363469912/


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 27th, 2013, 5:54pm
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RJ
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Sorry, I just realised that, besides some of the grammatical and spelling issues, that on page 34 I have Michelle as wearing an Elf suit in the bathroom - it's not ment to be Elf, it's meant to be Mrs. Claus and this point is critical to joining up with another thing that happens latter down the track. Damn it.

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RJ  -  April 28th, 2013, 5:33am
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nawazm11
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Hey, Renee. No reads here so I thought I'd jump on it.

I won't take extensive page by page notes about typos and the such since you mentioned that you didn't have enough time to look over it.

Page 1: Strange way to describe Becca, it's a little hard to read because of the many commas so I'd suggest trying to shorten that line into more sentences.

Page 8: Why is someone like Amy hanging out with Michelle? They seem to be complete opposites. Maybe we find out later but it's still something to keep in mind.

Page 20: Didn't the junkie already touch the phone? Strange that he wouldn't bother to press the phone's button before selling it.

As a side note: Plenty of typos and the writing could use some work -- but I suppose there's nothing to stop me reading here besides that. The problem is that so far, there's also nothing really to help me keep reading. I like the mystery you've set up but it feels a little cliched. Will see how it goes.

Page 23: For a second there, I thought the noodles would hit that bystander from before.

Page 31: Never knew strip club managers were nice enough to give money for cab rides home. Personally, I'd have him kick her out and make her walk home. It'd help us feel a little better for Michelle since she's been somewhat of a bitch for the first 20 pages, sorry to say -- but I assume that's what you were going for.

Page 31: "On the first floor there is a reading area to one back corner and a photo area with a Santa sleigh that sits amongst two large Christmas trees in the other corner." Very hard to read and comprehend. Consider changing it.

Page 37: Side note again. Script is getting unusually slow at this point, you mentioned something about not completing enough 'quests' or something earlier in the script -- but I don't think that's been mentioned again. Maybe I wasn't focusing as much as I should but I'd most definitely expand upon that point before this scene takes place so we feel as if we have some stakes going on. It'd help give this scene more meaning IMO.

Page 39: Sorry Renee but that description of Georgie was pretty poor and didn't make a lot of sense. I assume it was just a placemarker though.

Page 43: I assume, like you mentioned, that Michelle is still Mrs. Claus and not the elf at this point?

Page 46: Bottom of this page, I'd suggest a little change of personality from Michelle, a small lead up to the 'all is lost moment' where she vents some of her frustrations to Nathan. I think it would help liven up her character a little so she'd show that she's at least human. A little sign for later on.

Page 48: Seen this a few times before, just thought I should mention that you forget the a in 'aisle'.

Page 55: Santa suit or snowman suit?

Page 73: Not sure how we're seeing her wings growing? I think this needs some extra details, maybe I missed something.

Page 76: Wait, so her wings have always been there? I think on screen, this would be more distracting than anything else. I suppose it could work but I wouldn't suggest it.

Page 76: The shopping centre beat is very sudden and doesn't make a lot of sense the way it is. Consider building up to it instead of a worried Georgie just saying it out.

And finished.

Renee, not bad for a first 7WC draft, even with all the glaring typos and errors but there are still a few problems with me.

The major one being the shift to the third act and the second half of the second act. I'm not one to go into the act structure but with a story like yours, I think it really does need a good clean up. I think the problem which affects the script the most is how weak the 'all is lost' moment is. Basically, there isn't one, there's one small bit of hesitation from Michelle when Georgie mentions the shopping mall that's set to replace their building, and instead of actually being sad over it, she goes to see her work buddy who she yelled at before.

Honestly, I'd consider making it stronger. What I suggest is have Becca come back and have her ask Michelle whether she'd like to go back to her old life or stay in her new one. This is of course right after when Georgie mentions the building's replacement, and also after Nathan agrees to help. After a brief moment of hesitation, Michelle chooses to take her old life back -- and IMO, this would work a lot better as the audience is screaming for her to say no. When she's done the deed and disappointed Georgie and Nathan, she finally sees how wrong her old life was and finally gets that last bit of hope that will help her overcome her character flaw. After that, she leaves her old life behind for good and decides to help Nathan and Georgie. But this is your story Renee and you can choose what to do with it what you like.

Overall, I thought it worked decently well, except what I mentioned above. There were some big shifts of focus between the angel/romance sub plot and I think it could've been handled better but nothing a few fixes can't do.

The writing style was one thing I'd look over. You tend to continue your sentences when really, they should be separated because the main 'subject' should usually be put first. Most of these are because you like to use the words "with", "while" and "and" which IMO, doesn't work in screenplays because we're not seeing something on screen while other things are happening, we're seeing these things separately. A random example is:

"He pins her down and sticky tapes up and down her arms whileshe tries to wrestle him to get away."
As I read this, I imagine what has happened and right at the end of the sentence, you tell me that I was meant to be imagining something else all together. Unfortunately, there are countless examples of these types of sentences which I really do think need an edit. Usually it's just as easy as taking away the "with" or "while" and replacing it with a full stop/comma. There are some instances where this works but I do think they're very rare. If that didn't make sense, feel free to say so.

Anyway, I think that's all. I'm not a fan of these types of comedies so I didn't laugh/smile much but in all honestly, I think it's because it wasn't my type of humour, definitely people out there who would find this funny.

Good luck!


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SteveUK
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Hi Renee,

This was a really good effort for 7 weeks work. A nice quick read, and although it's not really my type of story, I did like it. There were a few problems that I had with it and little things that I picked up on, and I've tried to highlight them all below:

The biggest problem I had was that the story felt like such a missed opportunity. With Michelle being forced to do whatever tasks the phone tells her to, you have the opportunity to put her in some ridiculous situations, but as it is all she has to do is help a guy into a wheelchair and help out at a soup kitchen. You really need to maximize the comedy value of this scenario. Try to put her in funny situations where she's having to humiliate herself or do something crazy to help someone else.

Also, Michelle should have to do more tasks for the phone earlier. It isn't until page 41 that she successfully performs her first act of kindness - that's almost half way into the story. Make her life more awkward by throwing challenges at her while she's still trying to come to terms with her new life. Maybe force her to sneak out of work on her first day to help somebody and narrowly avoid getting caught by her boss.

Another issue that I had was one that I mentioned after reading your first 11. This definitely seemed like more of a heart-warming family friendly type of story to me rather than an R-rated comedy, so a couple of small adult-orientated things felt majorly out of place, especially with so much of the story focussed around kids, whether it be Michelle working in the toy store, or her befriending Georgie. The use of the work f**k, and the little bits of nudity aside, I don't think there's anything in here that would warrant a higher rating than a PG.

It didn't seem believable that either the junkie or the pawn shop dealer wouldn't have switched on the phone to check it worked and thus been landed in Michelle's situation. Maybe Becca could tell Michelle that the phone has chosen her - it only works with the right person. That will explain why the junkie and pawn shop guy weren't forced into her situation.

You need to set a clear goal for them to achieve to stop the building from being demolished. Maybe if they went to speak to someone at the town hall and were told they needed to get a certain amount of signatures on a petition, or raise a certain amount of money etc, but as it is they find out about the situation and just decide to do the car wash and petition without knowing what they have to achieve.

I also didn't buy this Mr Bennet guy turning up out of the blue and saving the day. It all felt way too convenient and 'deus ex machina'. It would work a lot better if in one of her previous acts of kindness, Michelle had in some way saved or helped Mr Bennet. Then when he's driving past and is told they're trying to save the building, he can then offer his financial help. It would be more believable than him simply wanting to please his grand daughter because she liked their page on facebook.


Here's the notes I made as I was reading. I tried to pick up as many typos and spelling errors as I could, but I may have missed some:

Page 3
You give Toni's age as 25's instead of just 25

Page 4
'The dealer check for chips' should be 'checks'.

Page 9
I don't really understand why Amy would go to the expense of buying her friend a phone just because hers is being repaired. At least I believe Michelle's is being repaired - it isn't fully explained. I think I preferred it before when you had Michelle not wanting a smart phone because it would be another complication in her life.

Page 11
The line "It won't shut up and worst it's indestructible" doesn't seem right. Maybe "…and worse that that, it's indestructible" would be better.

Page 12
I didn't buy that Michelle would assume that the phone belongs to Becca just because it led her to the hospital. It would be more believable if Becca woke up when the phone stopped beeping and said something to her along the lines of "Oh, so you inherited the phone".

Page 15
'A row of small cubicles sit in front of set of large offices.' - should be 'a set'

Page 17
The old lady appears out of nowhere with the police and accuses Michelle of breaking and entering, which didn't completely make sense. Where did she come from and when did she see Michelle? It might work better if the police come out of the elevator and approach Michelle, saying they've had reports of an attempted break in. Then have the old lady pop her head around her apartment door down the hall and say something like "That's her officer. She's been trying to break in for the last ten minutes".

Page 18
I was a confused by the tall man popping up outside the police station, putting his hand on her shoulder and simply saying "I understand". If he said something sleazy like "Need a place to stay tonight?" before Michelle pushes him away would work better in my opinion.

The last slug has New York as one word instead of two.

Page 19
Amy's dialogue should be (V.O.)

The last slug has New York as one word instead of two.

Page 20
'Becca finishes a meat and salad sandwich.'  - do we really need to know exactly what's in the sandwich? Just 'Becca finishes a sandwich.' would be enough.

Page 22
'People these days serious underestimate hospital food.' - should be 'seriously'.

Page 23
When Michelle leaves the hospital and sits on the bench, you should probably have her scream in frustration or something of a similar nature. Otherwise she's just sat on a bench waving her arms around and stomping her feet without making a sound, which would be pretty odd.

Page 24
'Warn out' should be "Worn out'.

Page 25
As this is set in New York, you might want to change the food from dim sim. At first, I thought you mean't dim sum until I googled it. I see that it's a popular chinese dish in Australia, but I've never seen it on sale anywhere in the UK or US.

Page 26
'Michelle sits and a computer' should be '…at a computer'.

Page 27
'Michelle greases off an assortment of Christmas decorations in the window as she passes.' - I didn't understand the term 'greases off'. I'm guessing it means some kind of glare or dirty look?

"Nobody seems to have anything about you on there records." should be "their records".

"Thanks for time" is missing "your"

Page 39
You refer to the smart phone as 'the iphone' on this page, but not anywhere else in the script. I'd change it to just 'smart phone' again, or mention earlier in the story that it's an iphone.

Page 40
In your slug you've misspelled 'New York' as 'Ney York'.

Page 47
"...they’ll give you coal for Christmas, if you not careful." should be "if you're not".

Page 48
'running a muck' should be 'running amok'.

'The teenager' should be 'teenagers'.

Page 57
'carries a bucket of vegetable craps' should be 'vegetable scraps'. I did laugh at that one.

Page 58
'They look at each and smile.' should be 'each other'.

Page 61
'Nathan and Michelle sit across from each other in a cubicle.' - I think you mean a booth.

Page 62
'Out of breathe' should be 'breath'.

Page 65
I didn't believe that Michelle would have taken the sexy Santa outfit out of her bag and put it into the laundry basket with the rest of her clothes & regular uniform. Maybe a more believable way of getting her to mix them up would be Mark asking her to wear it for him when they're drunk in the bedroom. Michelle could take it off of him, say something like "How about I wear nothing", and toss it to the floor. Show it landing next to her regular Santa outfit, and then in her hungover haste the next morning she could accidentally grab the wrong one.

Page 71
'numerous breads of dogs' should be 'breeds'.

Page 78
Nathan's dialogue cuts off mid-sentence at the bottom.

Page 79
"I'm can be a bad influence" should be "I can".

Page 82
"maybe get them to sign a position" should be "petition".

Page 89
The flashback to their drunken night felt completely out of place at this point in the story. In all honesty, I'd remove it completely if I were you. It doesn't really add anything to the story.

Page 91
'As the business woman come nears' should be 'comes near'.


As I said, I did like this overall. And even though I had a few issues with the story, I think you've got a great base here to work from and could turn this into something really good. You just need to maximize the comedy potential of the scenario a lot more.
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RJ
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Nawazm and Steve, thank you guys so much for reading this and leaving such great comments - they are so valuable. Giving me an eye to see form the distance.

Sorry about the typos etc, at times I was up at 2am meshing scenes together, one straight after the other, when I shouldn't have been - very sloppy on my part and misspelling words that I actually do know, doh!
Suggestions from the both of you have been very helpful.

You both said the same thing about the Junkie turning on the phone and, after Nawazm had pointed it out, I actually had the same idea as you, Steve - The phone should choose Michelle, great minds think alike (how cliche of me ).
You both also said about more of the phone in earlier pages - gonna work on that.
And about the shopping mall at the end - toying with ideas atm.

Nawazm:
pg 43 - yes, Mrs. Claus. My original idea was to have her as an Elf and that's where I've stuffed up.
Pg 55 - Santa suit. I just wanted to copy the idea of the scary snowman, not actually him. Didn't know what my rights would be there.
Pg 73 & 76 - I guess I hadn't really though that one through properly and the way I had pictured her wings to show was that they would show when they grew and then disappeared from view, but then would that be kind of complicating the situation at the start with Becca? I don't know.
When it comes to Becca giving Michelle an option on whether she would like to go back to her old life, it's a great idea and I can definitely see an angle in it, but I don't know whether I am going to be able to work something like that in atm - I'm thinking on it.
I agree with the 'with' 'while' and 'and'. Many parts could be made into seperate sentences instead.
Thanks for getting through this even though it wasn't your type of thing

Steve:

I love being able to easily go through and pinpoint where the typos are. Thank you for your indepth list. It will help.
I get where you're coming from with the tasks on the phone. I originally started this from joining two ideas I'd had for writing two different screenplays, but hadn't gotten to yet. So my mind played with comedy in those ideas and the phone just kind of got swept to the 'dull area'. After bringing it to my attention, I'm definitley going to have to do something about that . This is my first comedy though and I never thought I'd ever do comedy, so I've kind of used up a lot of what I have in it. Any ideas?   
I was under the impression that a lot of films got pushed to an M Rating for the slightest bit of anything these days (didn't used to be back when), but if what you are saying is correct, think I might have to reconsider the 'f' word to expand to a wider audience.
Pg65 - Great idea, I'm definitely gonna have to use this.

Again, thank you so much, your suggestions have helped immensly with the rewrite already, much appreciated.

Oh - and Nawazm - so sorry, I haven't gotten round to yours yet, but I will really soon - promise.

Renee

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RJ  -  May 5th, 2013, 8:56am
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Gary in Houston
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Renee, I started reading this and making notes directly on the script in Adobe and then stopped at about page 20 because I kept making the same note consistently, so I need to ask you about it before I go any further--who is your target audience for this?  Here is what I mean by that:  You are based in Australia, but your story is set in New York City.  However, the first 20 pages are filled with either dialogue or descriptions that are uniquely Aussie.  This wouldn't normally bother me, but it isn't going to ring true having New Yorkers use phrases like "stuff up" or "dodgy" or have them riding in a tram (almost all transportation in NYC is cab, subway or bus).  So I didn't want to keep pointing those things out if you would be leaving them as is anyway.

The writing itself is fine--I have comments about the story and some suggestions here and there, but I just need to get past the issue above first.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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RJ
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Thanks Gary,

If you can point things like that out to me, it's a huge help. I do want it to be based in New York and tried to get what I thought was the right way with the wording on a few things, others I kind of assumed that they were the same, but if not, I'll definitley be changing them.

Just to add, there's a drunken scene at the end that Steve mentioned dropping, but I forgot to say in the first place was meant to be more of a 'as credits roll' type of thing, but didn't know how to write it like that. If it doesnt work, then I'll put it in where it's meant to go or I'll just cut it.
  
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Jeremiah Johnson
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I plan on reading this today.  I will try to give some comments as well.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
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irish eyes
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Hi Renee

First off.. great job on finishing the 6WC

I haven't read any previous feedbacks so excuse if I repeat.

Page 1 ... I live in New York, there are no trams I'm aware off, subways yes, trams no

page 8

INT. RESTRAUNT - DAY ... RESTAURANT

page 10

I think I mentioned it in your first 10... but this has a comedy label to it and there's nothing to say this a  comedy, i'm sorry if you mean't it to be.  Becca walking out through the flames with a child
in her arms and receives her wing tips... reads drama... if she comes out coughing, drops the child, then accidentally trips over her,  stands on her hand while trying to get back up... and saying "oops sorry"... I know you have some sort of a comedy.

page 11

MICHELLE
(into phone)

unnecessary wryly , you already mentioned it in the action

I had to google "doona"

page 16

It's a Wonderful life.. springs to mind

page 19

EXT. DOWNTOWN NEWYORK - DAY .... NEW YORK

page 21

I realise Becca is trying to get through  to Michelle, but she has practically repeated the same words about 4 times... maybe change the conversation a little.

page 22

MICHELLE
I already had a job. A Great job .... Great doesn't need to be capitalized

BECCA
People these days serious
underestimate hospital food.... seriously

page 34

NATHAN
You’re outfit’s on your hook down
the end. .. Your

page 39

A GEORGIE, 10, a happy girl.... drop the "A"

she likes to help people, in
shabby clothing, ... this reads like she only helps people wearing shabby clothes

page 40

EXT. DOWNTOWN NEY YORK - DAY ... NEW YORK

page 51

They head towards the street corner, where a window washer
stands at the top of his ladder and cleans a set of shop
windows. ... WINDOW WASHER should be capitals

page 52

The last guy to that said trust me
ended up not only cheating on me
but ripping me off.... to say that

page 53

NATHAN
Just sit across the street and do
as I told you, alright? ... do as I TELL you

page 54

SERIES OF SHOTS:
Michelle and Nathan enjoy themselves as they take turns at
scaring people on the street.... not exactly a Series of Shots.. although I think you're overdoing that.

page 63

NATHAN
Are you sure. .. missing a ?

page 64

MICHELLE
The last thing I remember was
eating those nacho’s and then we
were leaving. ... nachos

page 74

AND old lady reaches for a packet of toilet rolls on a top
shelf. ... should AN

MICHELLE
A What?... A what?

page 75

Michelle hands a microwave dish full of soup to Georgie’s
mom. ... GEORGIE'S MOM... also maybe give her a name and age.

page 78

Glad to see Nathan back in the script...

page 78-79  try to finish Nathan's dialogue on the same page, it's a much cleaner look.

page 79

there's the series of shots again

page 81

EXT. DOWNTOWN NEW YORK - DAY... this slug is off by double spacing

NATHAN
I had an idea. If you’re
interested?...HAVE an idea

page 82

I was thinking we could "DO" something
like a car wash fundraiser along
your street. ... Also a car wash??? really, not very creative

page 89

you completely lost me with the Flashback

Ok i'm finished Renee...

Why did Amy play such a big part in the first 11 and then disappear for the rest of the script?

You had so many characters in this script, although a lot of them had little to say to do, so it didn't take away from the script.
I liked how Michelle's emotion grew throughout to the pleasant tone at the end, you executed that very well. I think though she didn't achieve her first angel wings until about half way through the script.

I thought the car wash idea and the businessman grandfather doing it for his grandson was very weak, as far a creative goes, but that's what a first draft is for... rewrites

good job on finishing and with some tightening up you'll have a really good script...

Mark







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Gary in Houston
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Hey Renee!  Just sent you an email with all my notes on the script!

Let me know if you have any questions!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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RJ
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Thank you Gary, Jeremiah and Mark

Gary, got the email and looked it over, thank you so much for the corrections, I needed them a lot, didn't realize how many things were different. Doona - yes, blanket. That is the main question that I can remember atm. I'm planning on changing all the Aussie things shortly and will have the email at my side while doing so, so if I come across anything else that I've left unanswered, I'll let you know.

Jeremiah, whenever you get around to it. Thank you for a read in the first place - always appreciated.

Mark, I'm glad you liked it and thanks for the corrections, they help a lot. I'm very much Aussie and I seem to be confusing everyone with my slang. (Didn't realize that a lot of words were slang - whoops). I had trouble trying to come up with comedy in the first ten. Truely, I never thought I'd write a comedy. I like your idea though and will look into doing something like that.
'She likes to help people in shabby clothing' - lol, I didn't realize that's the way it read.
Pg 53 - I meant it to be 'told', as if they'd already talked about it, because she goes across the street and tells him where people are and what they are doing.
Pg 78-79 - lol, I didn't realize this until after I'd sent it and was skimming over it.
Yeah - she needs to do tasks with the phone earlier.
I agree with the ending, I rushed it to get it done, will be better in the rewrite (I hope )

Renee
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Dreamscale
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Hey Renee, I accepted your challenge then never posted anything.  Sorry.

I just read through the first 10 again, as I wanted to make sure what I said made some semblance of sense.

Conceiving and writing a script from scratch in 7 weeks is tough.  It really is and I know that firsthand.  Congrats are do no matter what it is you punched out.  Some people like to call these first drafts, but I don't believe in first drafts.  I'll turn my head and not comment on typos and the like but I will address the actual writing in places, as well as the story, action, dialogue, etc.

First off, I have to bring up the title.  I've disliked it since the second I first saw it.  For me, it has a very odd ring and connotation.  It reminds me so much of "Bad Santa", that it almost sounds like a knockoff of it.  If I were you, I'd seriously consider a new title, if you decide to move forward with this.

OK, let's get into it...

For me, it's extremely odd to start off with an INT scene in a tram, when we supposedly have NYC as a back drop.  Is there a tram in downtown NYC?  Not as far as I know.  I know there are trams into the city, but I can't picture this and the Slugs aren't helping me.

I think you want or need a SUPER so everyone knows we're in NYC. Know what I mean?  For some reason, SUPERS get a bad name from peeps, but they can be your friend, if you use them sparingly and wisely.

Becca's intro is extremely awkward to the point where I may actually throw in the towel if I were simply searching through scripts to read.  Check this out -

"BECCA, 26, a valiant, unwavering, human angel, she can seem a
little rough around the edges, stands at the door and taps
her foot on the step."

First, it's 3 lines long, which isn't a good thing.  She's a human angel?  Like for reals?  How do we know or see that?  Check out that middle part - "she can seem a little rough around the edges" - WTF?  This causes the entire sentence to be incorrect.  It also has no pace in a screenplay, at least the way it's being used here.

The whole thing just doesn't work as written and really turns me off.  Let's move on.

Actually, if you look your writing over, line by line, you'll see so many inconsistencies, things that don't make sense, or a combination that really detracts from the visuals you should be providing.

"The tram stops." - and then Becca "runs" out and sprints down the street.  Really?  I don't think so.  That's not how they work - if there is one in downtown NYC.  This just isn't ringing remotely true or real for me.

OK< so now we see "wings" grow from her shoulder blades?  Is she nude?  Topless?  You may think I'm being mean or extremely picky, but this is another case of a visual that's not written correctly.

So then Becca, the angel (hmmm, have I seen this story before somewhere?) rescues a child from a burning building and loses her special phone.  A junkie finds it, pawns it and a rather cliche sounding 32 year old conceited business woman, Michelle, somehow ends up with it, because her friend, Amy buys it for her.  Really?

To me, it doesn't help that this all takes 10 pages to unfold.  Much worse though, is that it doesn't make any sense as a premise (for me, at least).  I'm not even going to go into why a 32 year old business woman in  NYC wouldn't use a phone from a pawn shop, but it's a poor premise.

You label this a comedy, but I don't think I've seen any comedy so far.  Is it really supposed to be a comedy?

Most scripts and movies aren't good.  I have no problem saying that at all.  If you read enough scripts and watch enough movies, you'll have to agree.  What amazes me though, is that most scripts and movies miss based on their premise alone, which I just can't understand.

You have to jump out of the gate and land on the right foot.  IMO, you haven't done that here at all.  There are numerous writing flaws that will turn readers off.  There are numerous story flaws that will turn readers off.  But maybe worst of all, there are very few things that are even remotely funny in the opening 10 pages, and the label comedy just seems very far off target.

I realize this may seem harsh, but it's not intended to be.  If you disagree with my comments, that's totally cool.  If you see what I'm saying, and agree, then my words can help...and I hope they do.

Take care, Renee and congrats again and completing a feature length script in 7 weeks.

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RJ
Posted: May 5th, 2013, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff,

Thanks for reading the first ten and I wouldn't say any of your comments are harsh at all. Thick skin here, but really they're not that bad.

It's funny you mention 'Bad Santa', cause the original idea I had with Michelle was that type of thing - a knock off, but female version, then the whole phone thing came up and I spun the whole angel thing in with it for the challenge. I kind of like the name now as she is quite a little naughty Mrs. Claus later on.

Descriptions are a funny thing. I know you are on the side of the 'only filmables should be in it' so I'm not going to argue there.

That's all I have to really rebut about your comments, everything else seems pretty spot on. I didn't have time to research the 'New York' setting, when I probably should have - changes need to be made in a few parts.

Becca's wings - as much as you might like her to be nude or toploss - I was picturing more of a CG effects type of thing with them out the back of her top.

A few people have mentioned the comedy thing now. In all honesty, I forgot to put down a genre this time round and was going to change it to dramedy, but didn't say anything because after it was up I thought it might still work - obviously doesn't.
And with the pacing of the script, my first 11 pages were a lot faster, but majority of peeps here told me to slow it down, so that's what I've done. Maybe too slow?

Thanks again. I do appreciate the comments.

Renee
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 5th, 2013, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Renee, I read my post back and I felt like I was a little negative, so my apologies.  My Cinco de Mayo fell apart for some reason.  Glad you're cool with what I said.

Just 1 thing - sure, all us dudes would love for Becca to be nude, but hopefully, you know I was kidding, because you said "shoulder blades", as opposed to whatever she had on.

Definitely picky, but these types of things always stand out and I just want to throw it out so you know, if you care about that sort of thing.

BTW, don't think that I'm saying your writing is bad, because it definitely is not.  I'd say it's actually pretty good.  And for 7 weeks...I shouldn't be saying even what I am.

I'll try to read more and be nicer.
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EWall433
Posted: May 6th, 2013, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Renee,

I’ll avoid bringing up any cultural transposition issues. It looks like you’ve already got extensive notes on them.  For me the funny parts didn’t really kick in until about half-way through, where it seemed like you started to get your feet under you. I second Steve’s advice about using the phone tasks to get Michelle into awkward situations. Also play off the contrast between what Michelle is (cynical, going through the motions) and what the recipients of her kindness expect her to be (caring, patient).

Note: The way Michelle acquires the phone in the beginning is a little convoluted. It might be simpler to have Michelle pick the phone up from the gutter. Or Michelle and Becca can bump into each other and get their phones mixed up. If you go through with the idea that the phone will ‘choose’ Michelle, then it can simply follow her home from that initial contact point.

Pg. 3 The means she uses to shock the children wasn’t clear to me.

Pg. 10-11 This whole series is a bit confusing to me. I imagine the intention is to show that the phone keeps coming back, but you don’t have her finding it and reacting. It’s just sort of sitting on the counter top.

Pg. 17 Is there supposed to be a time jump between Michelle banging on the door and being run off by the Police?

Pg. 30ish The whole job bit seems like a detour from the original “do what the phone says” plot. What if that job were one of the things the phone told her to do?

Pg. 39 “A GEORGIE, 10, happy girl, she likes to help people, in shabby clothing, she sits on the stairs leading to the apartments.” I think this seems like a bit too much stuffed into that one sentence. Incidentally, it’d read a lot better if you took out the part that can’t be shown (“she likes to help people”).

Pg. 52 Seems strange that she’ll help the window washer, but still won’t even acknowledge Georgie.

Pg. 70 I was surprised she told Georgie about the angel wings, mostly because it’s brought up after the fact. They say it like its casual information, but I’m not sure Michelle would reveal it so casually.

Note: Might be good to introduce Georgie earlier. Her and Michelle’s relationship is pretty central to the latter half of the story, but she doesn’t do much of anything until page 67.

Pg. 76 The apartment eviction problem comes out of nowhere. It’d be useful to set it up a little in the beginning (an encroaching threat) so it doesn’t feel like a device when it comes.

It might pull together the ending to have Michelle work as a shopping mall Mrs. Claus rather than at a toy store. If you make Michelle’s workplace be the same mall that attempts to take over the apartments you can do a few things at once. You can build up to it by having it mentioned earlier while she’s at work; The fact that Michelle works for the mall can add to Georgie’s anger towards her near the end; and Michelle could use some ‘inside’ knowledge of the mall (and possibly her business skills) to find a more creative way to throw a wrench in the works.

Overall I found this to be a very enjoyable read, especially considering it’s a first draft. This story has a lot of potential. Good luck with subsequent drafts.
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