Tooth for a Tooth by Michael Joseph Kospiah (spesh2k) - Short, Horror - A father tries to convince his 10 year old daughter that the tooth fairy isn't real. 8 pages - pdf, format

Hey Michael,

So, this was a good short.  Very quick read.  Everything was formatted correctly and I never once had to read over anything.  Read like a breeze, so well done.  The writing was short and pithy, and I gain that maybe that was your intention given the story.

I do, however, think you could have cut it down, slightly.  Maybe have the father in bed with Diane, flossing, his tooth bleeds, and then he rants.  Just a suggestion to even get this smaller.

This, though, isn't horror.  It wasn't until, maybe page six, that I began to feel a horror vibe.  You had a good few tense moments beyond that point, so well done.  This felt very much like dark humor, considering how much the father cared for his dentistry.  Not horror, in my opinion anyway.

I did, however, love the story.  It was great.  A nice little twist on a everyday tale we all know.

I have no other advice, really.  If you're going for horror, I'd suggest more tenseness and scares from the get-go.  It didn't really feel like it was building up to something until the sixth page.  Though I thought your writing was pithy, I did feel like the story did meander from the start, IMO.

However, if you're going for dark humor, you've hit the nail on the coffin.  I did find myself laughing slightly at some of the dialogue.

Also, random thought, I'm only just remembering -- why is the father such a douche?  He came off as a dick, telling his daughter that the Tooth Fairy isn't real is one thing, but Santa?!  The poor girl!  I'd suggest, maybe, have the father break it gently to his daughter, maybe?  It would make your main guy that little bit more likable.

Anyways, I enjoyed this overall.  Quick read.  Nice pay-off.  Good luck with this.

-- Curt

Hey Curt,

Thanks for checking this out, you always seem to offer good, valuable input. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'm not big into all out horror, but I do tend to write a lot of dark humor. I'm a big Hitchcock fan in the sense that the horror is in the anticipation of something happening - the unknown.

It may seem like it meanders a bit, but I like the slow burn, even in a short film (see Nash Edgerton's Bear or Spider short films).

I try not to waste anything though. Even when he's talking about flossing and how he's probably going to have nightmares about losing his teeth, it's a bit of foreshadowing.

And I guess the reason I made him a dick is because I knew all ready how I wanted to end the story, and I sort of wanted to make him "deserve" it in a way. Besides, if I had a nickel for every time I thought my Dad was a dick, I'd have a lot of nickels.

I didn't really want to make him likable, as I don't think it's as important to like a main character in a short as it is in a feature because we have to spend more time with him. I didn't want to make him to be TOO unlikable (his daughter IS 12 years old, which IMO is too old to believe in stuff like that - and she is waking him up in the night hours for seemingly nonsense).

Thanks again for the read Curt, it's appreciated.

-- Michael

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey This, though, isn't horror.  It wasn't until, maybe page six, that I began to feel a horror vibe.

I disagree.

Page 1 - "Now I'm gonna have nightmares about my teeth falling out."
A simple line foreshadowing things to come?

Page 3-
The shadow at the end of the bed that creeps Larry out.
Amanda's reactions and dialogue about the "angry" tooth fairy.


I thought this was good.  Writing was quick, clean, to the point.
I loved the ending and this reminded me a lot of a Stephen King-ish type
of short story from his days of Night Shift and the like.

Thanks for the read and comments, reaper550. I'm a fan of subtlety, so naturally, I like to write that way. I believe the real horror is in the build up. I enjoy the in-your-face stuff a lot in horror films, but it's more fun than scary to me. I tried to find a happy medium here with the fun and the scares, though I was thinking of rewriting the ending with a few minor changes.

This thing is cluttered with horror cliché's... cheap,  gimmicky scare tactics... almost to the point of boredom.

- A shadow stands at the foot of the bed, but it's only Amanda.
- Larry marches over to the closet, blah, blah, slowly turns the knob.
- Larry flinches startled (really), whips his head around.  Amanda stands behind him, ect...

Larry came off as a Nimrod - maybe that's what you intended.   Needless to say the ending was predictable.  

The writing was decent. It was a quick read, so congrats.

When it comes to horror, it's always nice to see a refreshing alternative... but this isn't it.

Ghostie

Hey Ghostie, sorry you didn't like the script, but hey, thanks for giving it a go.

I can't say I disagree with anything you said. Yeah, it's cheap, gimmicky and cliche. I suppose I wrote it in the spirit of all the "scary" stuff I use to watch when I was a kid. And when I revisit those same shows/movies I use to watch as a kid, one part of me rolls my eyes. Another part of me has fun with it.

And yeah, the dad Larry was a nimrod, and yes it was intended that way. I suppose that's another cliche in the script (there's always the dad or parent that tells the kid that the bogey man isn't real).

I do have a rewrite and the ending is quite different. There actually isn't a tooth fairy. It's the daughter who puts the chisel and the hammer to Larry's teeth. I think having the daughter as a delusional psychopath would explain her upbringing a bit (her father is a douchebag and her mother perhaps nurtures her imagination a little too much).

Anyway, thanks for the input, ghostie, at least you thought the writing was decent (I failed to catch the redundancy in Larry "flinches startled", so thanks for bringing that up). Much appreciated.

-- Michael

The rewrite will be up soon hopefully (the ending is different, but the same). But all of the good old cliches ghostie described are still there I try to make it seem more self aware of its cliches without winking at the viewer at all.

Until then, since this is my thread, I figure I'll do some shameless self promotion:

The official teaser trailer for the recently produced Australian indie film I wrote "The Suicide Theory" -- release date unknown at this point (in the later stages of post production).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEBcsdGRvRo

The Suicide Theory: A tortured artist pays a professional killer to assist him in suicide, but for some reason, miraculously survives each attempt on his life.

Directed by Dru Brown. Starring Steve Mouzakis (I Frankenstein, Where the Wild Things Are) and Leon Cain (Terra Nova, The Straits).

And like the facebook page!https://www.facebook.com/TheSuicideTheoryFilm?fref=ts

Also, I have a feature Morphine up on the drama page here, if you want to give it a glance. Still working on rewrites with that, but the next draft won't be up for a while (if at all).

I like the first transition from VO to normal, that's a nice little touch I'll have to remember to steal for myself one day, should a similar opportunity arise.

As for the rest of the story... well it plays very well to the genre. A fairy tale horror story. Written well. Not going to win any prizes for originality... but it is what it is. It was a nice read.


I like the look of The Suicide Theory... I also like Australian Film so I'll keep an eye out for that one.

Hey Dustin,

Thanks for checking this out. Yeah, I suppose originality wasn't the thought here, more of a homage to the genre that used to scare me when I was a kid. I look back at some of the stuff I read/watched as a child and roll my eyes at times, but I also have fun, so hopefully people have fun reading this.

As for The Suicide Theory, thanks buddy, I'm also a big fan of Australian cinema. One of my favorite films of all time is Animal Kingdom. There's also a nifty little film called The Square directed by Nash Edgerton (yeah, Joel's brother) not mention a slew of indie horror films.

The revised version of "Tooth for a Tooth" is now up - different ending. Tell me what you think

Hey Michael,

I originally liked your first ending with the tooth fairy using the chisel and hammer against Larry's jaw at the end instead of Amanda now as your ending but regardless it was still a good story. Nicely written.

I started thinking about the script as I was trying to sleep last night and I would love to see more of the tooth fairy teaming up with Amanda. I got a vision of Amanda playing with finger paints and Larry mentioning to his wife about how he caught her hand printing the walls before he put her to bed. And how he doesn't want to put a dollar under her pillow because he's mad at her but he ends up doing it anyways. When Amanda comes into the room saying that the tooth fairy is upset because he took the tooth, Larry enters Amanda's room and sees that she has more hand prints along the walls. Larry of course gets mad but Amanda explains that the tooth fairy told her to do it. Amanda opens the closet door and shows Larry that the tooth fairy was hiding in there. No sign of the tooth fairy but there's the painted hand prints of the tooth fairy throughtout the inside of the closet. Bigger hands than Amanda (naturally) and maybe it has only three fingers. Larry would be scared for sure but maybe a part of him feels that Amanda is screwing with him so he yells at her and orders her to get to bed. He tucks her in and tells her not to paint the walls anymore. She tries to tell him that again it was the tooth fairy. Now it would be creepy if Amanda pointed up to her handprints along with the tooth fairy's hand prints scattered about on the ceiling above. That would freak out Larry for sure. Maybe Larry stays and sleeps with Amanda in her bed . While in bed, Larry tries to sleep and finally does but is awaken when he hears Amanda talking and giggling in the corner of the room. More handprints along the walls. He tries to speak but he can't. Amanda turns to face Larry (looks crazy) and tells her dad that the tooth fairy left him money. Larry, confused, looks under the pillow. A 20 dollar bill. Why is it there? The tooth fairy pops out of the closet and holds a clear jar in hand. In the jar is all of Larry's teeth. Kind of creepy to me.

Sorry for the long drawn out story. Again it was something that popped into my head lastnight. Either way I enjoyed your story and hope to read Morphine later this week.

Take care and best of luck on future projects.

- Dirk

Hey Dirk,

Thanks for checking this out, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I liked your suggestions. Before I wrote this, when I was in the planning stages, I originally had the Larry character obsessed with teeth after he finds blood in his saliva. I also had a random thought that Larry finds a hundred dollar bill under her pillow when he goes to take the tooth - he takes the bill to his wife and blames her, though she claims to not have put it there.

I also had a weird idea that the tooth fairy wants Amanda to lose all of her teeth (more money for adult teeth perhaps?)

Due to Larry's obsession, he doesn't want Amanda to eat sweets quite as much, but he keeps finding hard candy in her room.

Then that whole idea sort of drifted away... I wanted to keep it under 10 pages and keep it basic.

But nice suggestions, man, I'll definitely look into what else I can do here.

If you have anything you'd like me to read, let me know, I'll return the favor.

Thanks Dirk,

-- Michael

I'm with DV44 on this one.  I think I like the original ending better with the goofy smile, one toothed, bug-eyed tooth fairy holding the chisel and ball peen.

Still, good stuff.  

Michael,

Just wanted to acknowledge that I gave this a read.  Not gonna overthink it.  I didn't much care for the ending, but everything leading up to that kept me entertained   I like your writing style.   Also, looking forward to seeing the end result of The Suicide Theory.  

All the best.

Michael,

I like some of your original suggestions. Especially having Amanda lose all of her teeth. That would add for a nice twist.

No worries about reading something of mine at this time. I'm in the finishing stages of my first feature and hope to submit it in a week or two. If you're interested I'll PM you when it's on SS.

- Dirk