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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Prankster Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Prankster  (currently 807 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2013, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Prankster by Curt Seavers - Short, Weird Comedy - An introduction to the bizarre world of the most annoying person that ever lives.  4 pages - pdf, format

The Prankster Meets Quincy by Curt Seavers - Short, Weird Comedy - The Prankster meets more weird people. Involves soup, coroners and old TV writers.  8 pages - pdf, format


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CurtSeavers
Posted: May 20th, 2013, 5:21am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Don for posting this up.
This is my first attempt and I need help with anyone who knows this damn Trelby software - how do you make a title page?

Otherwise, yeah, not a lot going on plot wise but I'm not exactly the best writer in the world right now as you can see.,  Just wanna make you laugh and smile, or scratch the back of your head.
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Alex_212
Posted: May 20th, 2013, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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There's 2 screenplays here ???

The one that says 4 pages is really 2 pages and the once that is 8 pages long is actually 7.

You shouldn't count the cover pages in the total !!!!!

"A quiet dump of a place located at the end of a shopping parade."
How do we know it's at the end of a shopping parade ??? Maybe start with the Prankster walking down the street through a commercial area and into the Lions Den Pub as it will flow better ?

"RICK ASTLEY, 45, wipes glasses with a cloth as he stands behind the bar. He's the local barman. A muscular beefhead that takes no shit from anyone"
He's the local barman ????? He is standing behind the bar wiping glasses, I'm sure he's not a patron ?? don't state the obvious.

"He takes no shit from anyone" This cant be filmed only state what is visible or you can hear.

"He's the PRANKSTER. 43 going on 13. One of the most annoying people you will ever meet"
None of this can be filmed either.

"He eyes Rick at the bar." Not sure what you mean hear ?? He eyeballs Rick at the bar.

"A light bulb flashes above his head. He's got an idea"
Unless you are going to show a flashing lightbulb above his head I would drop this. Not filmable.

"Rick begins to glow red." now sure if the barman will be glowing in a red colour or what ??

"Something about this guy is just making him mad." Not filmable again?? Maybe a Frustrated Rick looks towards Prankster and frowns.

Noticed the Pint was six quid at first then he asked for seven ???

Have to say the end was a let down and I was expecting something funny to happen. It didn't.

For a first time screenplay you have made a good attempt though you really need to state what is filmable as many of your action lines did not work.

Keep at it and good luck.

Regards Alex

PS We all started somewhere and it's a long and fun journey. Keep at it


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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spesh2k
Posted: May 20th, 2013, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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You've all ready explained the title page, so I won't say anything further about that.

It is quite apparent that this is your first try at a script (I only read the first Prankster, skimmed through the second "Quincy" version as well). But you're not too far behind with format and all that stuff. It's the writing itself that needs work.

As for the story... I don't really know what to say. It's a punchline with no set up pretty much. There's no character development, no arc, no plot... if we don't care about anything in the story, what's the point?

It lacks creativity. Even the old Bugs Bunny cartoons have some kind of clever way of getting to the punchline.

This prankster just stands outside a bar, giggling to himself, with a mischievous grin. he goes into this said bar, acts like an asshole to some guy we don't give two shits about and then splashes a beer in his face.

The bartender chases him out, pumping his fist as Prankster gets away.

Perhaps you're going for the "the comedy in a situation comes from the absurd simplicity" type thing, but at least be clever with it. I remember in the mid 90's, Dana Carvey had his own sketch comedy show. He had a sketch where him and Steve Carell go around and play pranks on people - but here was the schtick: They shovel snow from driveways. While the person who lives there goes inside to get them cash, they run away and giggle. They'd also go around to restaurants, pay the bill first before receiving the food, and then run away giggling. The comedy was in the irony, though it was kind of dumb and silly.

As for the writing...

INT. LIONS DEN PUB - BAR AREA - DAY

RICK ASTLEY, 45, wipes glasses with a cloth as he stands behind the bar. He's the local barman. A muscular beefhead that takes no shit from anyone.

The bar area is empty. Rick's not bothered. He whistles along to a cheesey pop song.


No need to say he's the local barman. We get that because he's behind the bar. And muscular beef head is good enough. No need to mention he "takes no shit from anyone" (written awkwardly and this is something that can't be filmed). Especially because, moments later, he takes shit.

And why mention his last name? Not really important, is it? Also, I think cheesy is spelled wrong (here you have cheesey).

Here's what I would have written:

INT. BAR - CONTINUOUS

The joint is empty. (and maybe a brief one line description)

RICK (45) stands behind the bar and wipes down beer mugs. Though very masculine, he whistles along to a cheesy POP SONG.


That's all you need to write.

EXT. THE LIONS DEN PUB - DAY

Mischievious eyes. A never fading smirk. The face of a human troll. He's the PRANKSTER. 43 going on 13. One of the most annoying people you will ever meet.
Prankster strolls across the empty beer garden. Stops to take a look inside the window. He eyes Rick at the bar. Prankster chortles. His eyes spark wildly. A light bulb
flashes above his head. He's got an idea.


It reads like the pub itself has mischievous eyes and a never fading smirk. Obviously, unless this is some kind of psychedelic acid trip, you're most likely talking about a person. And you go too far into detail. Just a line or two description will suffice. Try to write what we can see - it's okay to add some prose here and there to capture the character's essence, but this is far too much description.

And try to break up the action blocks into 2-3 sentence paragraphs. It's called white space. Easier on the eyes, makes for a quicker read.

Rick pours the beer. Eyes the Prankster suspiciously. He
can't stop smiling. Rick begins to glow red. Something about...


You make it sound like Rick can't stop smiling.

Overall, much work to be done. Keep reading scripts and check out some books on screenwriting. It will help you progress as a writer and storyteller.

-- Michael

---------------------------


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2


Revision History (1 edits)
spesh2k  -  May 20th, 2013, 11:27pm
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CurtSeavers
Posted: May 22nd, 2013, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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AlexSarris and Spesh2k, thank you so much for your replies!
I am so happy you gave me your time and I'm sorry you had to read over this awful mess but I'm so grateful for your replies!! Thank you
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CurtSeavers
Posted: May 22nd, 2013, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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To try and make some sense what was going on here and some more questions:

I'm not responsible for the page count. It does it automatically. Is this right or wrong?
I didnt write the page count because nothing asked me for a page count.


"A quiet dump of a place located at the end of a shopping parade."
How do we know it's at the end of a shopping parade ??? Maybe start with the Prankster walking down the street through a commercial area and into the Lions Den Pub as it will flow better ?

I wrote it's at the end of a shopping parade. Don't quite get the complaint here? It's a one shot. I'm not looking for a Michael Myers POV down the street


"RICK ASTLEY, 45, wipes glasses with a cloth as he stands behind the bar. He's the local barman. A muscular beefhead that takes no s*** from anyone"
He's the local barman ????? He is standing behind the bar wiping glasses, I'm sure he's not a patron ?? don't state the obvious


Ha! True. But I'm sure if I didnt say he was a barman I'd be getting "You need to say who he is/ why is he behind the bar/ label him correctly/ He's a barman - tell us/ "
So to cover all angles - - Rick is the BARMAN.


"He takes no s*** from anyone" This cant be filmed only state what is visible or you can hear.

He's a tough guy. It is visible.

"He's the PRANKSTER. 43 going on 13. One of the most annoying people you will ever meet"
None of this can be filmed either.

This is true haha!

"He eyes Rick at the bar." Not sure what you mean hear ?? He eyeballs Rick at the bar.
So you knew what I meant.

"A light bulb flashes above his head. He's got an idea"
Unless you are going to show a flashing lightbulb above his head I would drop this. Not filmable.
Yes I want the lightbulb.

"Something about this guy is just making him mad." Not filmable again?? Maybe a Frustrated Rick looks towards Prankster and frowns.
This is much better! Thank you. Amazingly better! THanks, man!

Noticed the Pint was six quid at first then he asked for seven ???
It's about the politics of alcohol being raised by the pound every election. No, it's not. You are are correct. It is a bad mistake. I don't even drink in pubs these days so have no idea how much they cost.

Have to say the end was a let down and I was expecting something funny to happen. It didn't.

Yup, I'm real sorry about that I do apologize if this seems like a wind up, I do really need help as you can see and just wanted to put something out. I really feel bad about talented people like you and Spesh have wasted theiur time on me, so I am realyl sorry. but I will improve and the next one will be much better.

Thank you for your time and comments, I really do appreciate it


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CurtSeavers
Posted: May 23rd, 2013, 12:07am Report to Moderator
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Hi SpesH2K,

Many thanks for reading, an achievement it itself to get where you got.

I really wasnt aiming for anything - as you have pointed out - it is just a flat piece of crap. But sometimes, people can find interest or humour in that.
It doesnt always have to be so generic or cliched or planned or whatever.
Sure - it does have to be entertaining. For you, and everyone else this is the work of an asshat. I do agree. But also, entertain, that it might make 1 person laugh at how bad it is. That's a plus point

Thank you about the bar scene. Thank you

Ahhh, yeah I see what you mean about the outside scene! Hahaah! That crackedm eup! It does seem like the pub has fucking eyes lol!! That is awesome!
Thank you, man, I'm so  stupid ~I amazed myself!!!!

Hey, thanks for reading as much as you could, I didnt meant to offend or hurt anyone jsut wanna learn by ridicule I guess but you guys have actaually been really kind and amazing I feel bad about even thinking that...Sorry

Thanks for all your help, nice people do exist!
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spesh2k
Posted: May 23rd, 2013, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey Curt,

A little hard on yourself, aren't you?

Keep reading scripts around here and you'll improve as a writer and storyteller.

Whether it's writing for film, stage or a book. Even journalism. The basics are pretty much the same: There's a beginning, a middle and an end. Now, you can toy with narrative in many ways, but there needs to be a story to tell before you tell it.

This is just an action and a reaction. No set up. No character. No voice.

Put more thought into it. Be creative. You get to be the God of your own world! Take advantage!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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