Little Robin part 1 by Dustin Bowcott - Drama - A teacher risks everything to rescue an abused boy from the clutches of a paedophile ring. 55 pages - pdf, format

Little Robin part 2 54 pages

Little Robin part 3 55 pages

Thanks for putting them all together like that. I wasn't sure if I should have put them in the series section or not.

This is a made-for-TV drama.

Dustin,

Who are you intending/ hoping to get this into the hands of?

Mainstream television producers, ie, BBC, Channel 4, etc.?

Quoted from Toby_E Dustin, Who are you intending/ hoping to get this into the hands of? Mainstream television producers, ie, BBC, Channel 4, etc.?

Well... the big ones would be nice, but yeah TV stations looking to make dramas. I'm not sure that it is quite ready to send out yet. I'm just going to take a break and work on some other stuff.

Ok, man. Cool. I started on the first episode, but I've got to rush out.

Initial impressions were pretty positive. I've got a few ideas how you could maybe strengthen it, but I'll relay them to you later in the day.

Only comments I would have would be wary of swearing and on-screen explicitly sexual scenes, because I remember reading an interview with a producer from Channel 4 who was talking about what you can show/ say at what time in the day. Sure, this is a dark little drama, so it's not going to be a pre-9pm number, but I'd still consider trimming some of the language  (mainly the "cunt") and explicit sexual scenes (the first scene where Maliq [who needs a description; I had no idea who or how old he was, etc.] forces Billy to give him oral sex was fine, as it was implied. The second scene was too graphic in my opinion).

Quoted from Toby_E Ok, man. Cool. I started on the first episode, but I've got to rush out. Initial impressions were pretty positive. I've got a few ideas how you could maybe strengthen it, but I'll relay them to you later in the day. Only comments I would have would be wary of swearing and on-screen explicitly sexual scenes, because I remember reading an interview with a producer from Channel 4 who was talking about what you can show/ say at what time in the day. Sure, this is a dark little drama, so it's not going to be a pre-9pm number, but I'd still consider trimming some of the language  (mainly the "cunt") and explicit sexual scenes (the first scene where Maliq [who needs a description; I had no idea who or how old he was, etc.] forces Billy to give him oral sex was fine, as it was implied. The second scene was too graphic in my opinion).

Yeah, thanks for looking in. I'll certainly take that advice. I have tried to keep it low key.. but obviously low key to me may not be so low to everyone else. Thanks again for the advice, I'll definitely take that on board.

Dustin,

Apologies for the delay in posting up my comments.

I wrote out a huuuuuuuuge reply last night, but Firefox crashed before I could post it. And I haven't had the heart to re-type up my thoughts until now!

As I said initially, I really liked this. I didn't make many notes whilst I was reading it (I read it on my Ipad, and I hate typing on Ipads), so instead, my comments are going to be more dealing with overall issues I had with the script, versus small page-by-page issues.

However, I did make a few page-specific notes:

Page 2- I personally think that Stacey’s introduction is out-of-character from how you portray her later in the script. You portray her as a more caring character; I mean, sure, she’s a drug addict and a woman of the night, but she does care about Robin. You also portray her as a victim; someone who is vulnerable, which I don’t feel is in line with this initial encounter with her character.

Page 7- I wasn’t a fan of the scene with Carl and Suzanne, as I felt that it slowed down the story too much, and the important information delivered to the reader in this scene is portrayed to us again later in the script. So if you are looking for scenes to trim/ cut if the page count gets too high in a rewrite, I would consider this scene.

Page 24- Who is Pete, and how does he know that there is a little boy living at that house? I think this scene would come across more natural and less forced if Pete was a punter, who after he has ‘finished’ with Stacey, happens to spot Robin, and then delivers his little business proposal to Billy whilst Stacey is cleaning herself up.

Page 48- Carl came across too unlikeable during this scene, in my opinion. Sure, the man has just lost his wife and kid, so we will cut him some slack. However, I think the scene will work better if Mike is more of a dick to him. Then, we will hate Mike, feel sorry for Carl, and then actually like it when Carl gets into the altercation with him.

Those are my page specific notes. Now onto a few more general comments.

I had a slight issues with the ending of the episode. Now, in the logline, you tell us that this is going to be a story about a teacher who risks everything to save a child from a paedophile ring. I wanted to read this, because that’s the sort of drama I love: dark, evil, with a hint of revenge. However, in this first episode, apart from the aforementioned scene with Pete, there is no real indication that this is the route your story is going to take. As I said, I have only read episode one and so, I imagine, the paedophile storyline is going to be introduced in episode two. However, in my opinion, this aspect of your story needs to be introduced by the end of this first episode, the reason being that it is your story’s hook; it’s what makes it different from other dramas in which a teacher helps a child with a dysfunctional family. Because this is your story’s selling point, you don’t want to withhold this from the audience.

I would also consider tweaking how Anita and Edward die, the reason being that I how they die can really shed light into what motivates Carl to help Robin escape this paedophile ring. In my opinion, there is two ways/ motivations that could work:
1). Carl feels guilty for the death of Edward and Anita, and so by helping Robin, he hopes he can rid some of the guilt that haunts him. If you go down this route, the main theme of your story is going to be redemption. A possible way the death could work to cause these feelings of guilt in Carl could be as simple as Carl not being able to take Edward to karate, for whatever reason (probably a slightly selfish one, which would also work as Carl could overcome this flaw of being selfish by helping Robin; but I digress). And so instead, Anita has to walk Edward to karate. However, on the way, they get run over by a drunk driver.
2). Carl couldn’t save his family, and was helpless as they died. He, therefore, also feels extreme guilt for their death. However, he can save Robin. And because he has this opportunity to actually save a child, he takes it. Not too sure what the death could be here, but maybe a house fire, or something. Carl returns to see his house blazing, but Anita and Edward are still inside. But Carl can’t get in to save them.

Personally, I think number one would work better. But that’s just my opinion.

But yeah, as I said, I really enjoyed this.

Good luck with future rewrites, and hope you found at least some of what I wrote helpful.

All the best.

Toby.

Thanks Toby. I got the same feel from the Stacey intro. That's been there since draft 1 and it bugs me when I read it too. So thanks for the confirmation on that.

Yeah the page count is too high. I'd prefer to get it down to a two part drama but when I went back in I found it genuinely hard to find 40 pages to trim. I can trim some here and there... but over all I'm worried about correctly pacing it. A 150 page script will be difficult to break into sections. Unless they make it a TV film, which I don't think we do in our country. So that's probably why I left those scenes in. I'll just have to be braver and do the right thing see where the story goes.

The Pete thing is cleared up later in the series. It's pretty important to the plot that we don't know exactly who he is at this point. We're supposed to think, who the hell is this guy? How does he just show up? Trust me, those questions are answered in the final part.

Gotcha on page 48. I know exactly what you mean and how to rectify it. Thanks. I would have missed that on my own.


Yeah on the hook at the end of the episode... I thought so too. So thanks for clarifying that for me. I'll bring that scene forward... or even include an extra scene to make it more obvious. I'll have to look at the story.. the way it is paced at 160 pages makes it difficult to split. I suppose if I want to make this work, i'm going to have to work some jiggery-pokery.

I was trying to convey point number 2 in the script. As a father I would always blame myself for not being there... but I get your point. Not everyone will get that so may need to be shown it better. I'll put some more thought into that.

I'd like to return the read, I'm just wary of reading a comedy. Very hit and miss with me. If that is all you have or want me to read though I'll give it a go. I notice it says latest writing. So if you have anything gritty, I'd be more than happy to give it a read.

Dustin,

been meaning to get these notes up for a while.  Apologies on the delay, been away from the computer for a few weeks.

Notes for Part 1:

Caps for Robin on his first appearance.

p.8 -- think you could trim the end of the staff-room conversation on p.8 and get out a little sooner. Same for the charity shop scene on p.18.  My gut feeling is we saw what we needed with Robin’s frightened reaction to Billy.

Not sure about the HEAD (Why not just Miriam from the outset?) Seems like she’d be more supportive of Carl’s suspicions -- if not as equally frustrated.

p.23 - (opening paragraph) -- think you should mention a TV somewhere in the action for clarity.

p.24 --  This scene was a hard sell for me.  While the social services angle does lend some credibility, the risk Pete would be taking just wandering in off the street and making this offer blows all logic out the window.  There’s so many ways to work this angle into play where subtlety is on your side and for me this just wasn’t it.

As to Pete’s character, the lip-licking, leering etc. although creepy, made him feel like more of a caricature and takes a degree of power out of the scene.

p.34 - something more for MALIQ, even just an age to give us a sense of his character.


Part 2:

Again Pete’s involvement in this whole set-up seems reckless for someone in his position.  Robin could still ID him (raising suspicion if nothing else) as could Billy, despite his collusion.  I’d wonder about a second ‘right-hand man’ type to put the distance between Pete and do the actual leg-work.
  
p.28 - Time-line felt awkward here -- would they still be in the social service office in the middle of the night?  I’ve honestly know idea how they function, so I guess they could.

A little confused as to Monroe’s part in this.  The idea is fine, stacking the odds against Carl by threatening his career.  But Monroe’s character just comes out of nowhere and is able to get Carl immediately suspended -- what kind of councillor/MP can do that? Think his role needs a stronger explanation.

Also seemed a little too convenient that Pete would be at Monroe’s house when Carl visits.  Why not have Carl go to the social services?  Following their decision to release Robin back into Stacey and Billy’s care he’d have more of a reason to seek out a senior member and discover Pete this way.

p.51 -- After Carl gets suspended he collects Robin from the school and yet the teachers figure there must be a valid reason for it?  His not answering when she calls out his name would seem to be reason enough to suspect something’s amiss.  


PART 3:

Miriam:

p.51 (part 2) ‘Something about this just doesn’t feel right.’
p.1 -- ‘Just seemed a tad strange, still does’
p.2 -- ‘This isn’t looking good Suzanne’.
p.4 -- ‘It doesn’t add up. Something weird is going on.’

This part of Miriam’s dialogue stood out.  Felt like going in circles here.

p.9 - Suzanne’s house scene -- not sure what it gives us that we don’t already know. Seems it could be condensed.  There’s a fair amount of police procedure here that could be trimmed in favour of concentrating on more central characters.

p.21 - ‘Framer’ - Farmer.

p.36 -- How does Flannigan know that the MP Carl refers to is Monroe?

p.39 -- Robin seems a little too self aware of Carl’s motives for his age.

Thought this was an interesting idea and while it does work, I’ve mixed feelings regarding the overall execution.  Story-wise I think there’s a lot more potential for twisting the various threads and opposing factions to heighten the conflict and suspense.  

While there’s something to be said for the main characters (Billy’s dilemma of selling Robin to fund his addiction added a unique angle) some of the choices made, particularly towards the end, missed the mark for me.  These are just my thoughts on this, again, it did work, so feel free to disregard.

The idea of a pedophile ring operating undercover of a child social services is a strong one and I was surprised it didn’t feature more prominently.  Towards the end it faded into the background and we only seem to scratch the surface of the players involved.

I was also surprised at the choice to essentially take Carl out of the immediate conflict by having him flee the country with Robin.  You build the odds against him over the course of the story only to remove him from the threat of Billy/Pete/Monroe -- while at the same time introducing two new characters in Flannigan and Wright to do the leg-work in tracking him down.

To me part 3 spent too much of its focus on establishing Flannigan and Wright (if not the police investigation as a whole) which took a degree of momentum away from already established characters.  I wonder if one potential remedy to this would be to work the detectives into the story-line earlier?

When it finally reached a head with Pete and Billy it felt too brief -- more of an anti-climax.  One element that kept me reading was the desire to see justice done and the likes of Pete and Billy get their comeuppance -- and to be honest it felt like Billy got off lightly given the circumstances while the true level of Pete’s ‘enterprise’ was only touched on.  I respect it might not be the angle you’ve set out to explore; though to me it was the one I was rooting for Carl to expose and bring down.

I did wonder how this would work if the story picked up after Carl has lost his family in the crash.  A lot of part 1 is given to this set-up and his downward spiral.  I don’t think you’d stand to lose too much by starting later -- if it’s the place you aim to get to, would it benefit to start there and reveal the backstory as you go?

Hope this doesn’t give the impression I wasn’t entertained by this.  The writing’s sparse and for a work of its length it reads at a decent pace.  The dialogue’s clipped and moves the story along -- though there could be more subtext in the exchanges, if anything to keep with the gritty tone set by the action.

Hope this helps.  Hopefully you can get some more reads on this and see where it takes you.  Best of luck.

Steve.

Quoted from stevemiles Dustin, been meaning to get these notes up for a while.  Apologies on the delay, been away from the computer for a few weeks. Notes for Part 1: Caps for Robin on his first appearance. p.8 -- think you could trim the end of the staff-room conversation on p.8 and get out a little sooner. Same for the charity shop scene on p.18.  My gut feeling is we saw what we needed with Robin’s frightened reaction to Billy. Not sure about the HEAD (Why not just Miriam from the outset?) Seems like she’d be more supportive of Carl’s suspicions -- if not as equally frustrated. p.23 - (opening paragraph) -- think you should mention a TV somewhere in the action for clarity. p.24 --  This scene was a hard sell for me.  While the social services angle does lend some credibility, the risk Pete would be taking just wandering in off the street and making this offer blows all logic out the window.  There’s so many ways to work this angle into play where subtlety is on your side and for me this just wasn’t it. As to Pete’s character, the lip-licking, leering etc. although creepy, made him feel like more of a caricature and takes a degree of power out of the scene. p.34 - something more for MALIQ, even just an age to give us a sense of his character. Part 2: Again Pete’s involvement in this whole set-up seems reckless for someone in his position.  Robin could still ID him (raising suspicion if nothing else) as could Billy, despite his collusion.  I’d wonder about a second ‘right-hand man’ type to put the distance between Pete and do the actual leg-work.    p.28 - Time-line felt awkward here -- would they still be in the social service office in the middle of the night?  I’ve honestly know idea how they function, so I guess they could. A little confused as to Monroe’s part in this.  The idea is fine, stacking the odds against Carl by threatening his career.  But Monroe’s character just comes out of nowhere and is able to get Carl immediately suspended -- what kind of councillor/MP can do that? Think his role needs a stronger explanation. Also seemed a little too convenient that Pete would be at Monroe’s house when Carl visits.  Why not have Carl go to the social services?  Following their decision to release Robin back into Stacey and Billy’s care he’d have more of a reason to seek out a senior member and discover Pete this way. p.51 -- After Carl gets suspended he collects Robin from the school and yet the teachers figure there must be a valid reason for it?  His not answering when she calls out his name would seem to be reason enough to suspect something’s amiss.   PART 3: Miriam: p.51 (part 2) ‘Something about this just doesn’t feel right.’ p.1 -- ‘Just seemed a tad strange, still does’ p.2 -- ‘This isn’t looking good Suzanne’. p.4 -- ‘It doesn’t add up. Something weird is going on.’ This part of Miriam’s dialogue stood out.  Felt like going in circles here. p.9 - Suzanne’s house scene -- not sure what it gives us that we don’t already know. Seems it could be condensed.  There’s a fair amount of police procedure here that could be trimmed in favour of concentrating on more central characters. p.21 - ‘Framer’ - Farmer. p.36 -- How does Flannigan know that the MP Carl refers to is Monroe? p.39 -- Robin seems a little too self aware of Carl’s motives for his age. Thought this was an interesting idea and while it does work, I’ve mixed feelings regarding the overall execution.  Story-wise I think there’s a lot more potential for twisting the various threads and opposing factions to heighten the conflict and suspense.   While there’s something to be said for the main characters (Billy’s dilemma of selling Robin to fund his addiction added a unique angle) some of the choices made, particularly towards the end, missed the mark for me.  These are just my thoughts on this, again, it did work, so feel free to disregard. The idea of a pedophile ring operating undercover of a child social services is a strong one and I was surprised it didn’t feature more prominently.  Towards the end it faded into the background and we only seem to scratch the surface of the players involved. I was also surprised at the choice to essentially take Carl out of the immediate conflict by having him flee the country with Robin.  You build the odds against him over the course of the story only to remove him from the threat of Billy/Pete/Monroe -- while at the same time introducing two new characters in Flannigan and Wright to do the leg-work in tracking him down. To me part 3 spent too much of its focus on establishing Flannigan and Wright (if not the police investigation as a whole) which took a degree of momentum away from already established characters.  I wonder if one potential remedy to this would be to work the detectives into the story-line earlier? When it finally reached a head with Pete and Billy it felt too brief -- more of an anti-climax.  One element that kept me reading was the desire to see justice done and the likes of Pete and Billy get their comeuppance -- and to be honest it felt like Billy got off lightly given the circumstances while the true level of Pete’s ‘enterprise’ was only touched on.  I respect it might not be the angle you’ve set out to explore; though to me it was the one I was rooting for Carl to expose and bring down. I did wonder how this would work if the story picked up after Carl has lost his family in the crash.  A lot of part 1 is given to this set-up and his downward spiral.  I don’t think you’d stand to lose too much by starting later -- if it’s the place you aim to get to, would it benefit to start there and reveal the backstory as you go? Hope this doesn’t give the impression I wasn’t entertained by this.  The writing’s sparse and for a work of its length it reads at a decent pace.  The dialogue’s clipped and moves the story along -- though there could be more subtext in the exchanges, if anything to keep with the gritty tone set by the action. Hope this helps.  Hopefully you can get some more reads on this and see where it takes you.  Best of luck. Steve.

Yes steve, thanks. These notes do help a lot and I will come back to these once I get time to do a rewrite. I like all of your ideas and recognise the weaknesses you have pointed out.

I think, in regards to the police, I will have them investigating the paedophile ring earlier in the script, like right from the start. So rather than they come in to search for Carl, they're already watching what is going on. Carl can still take flight and surprise them. I like that idea a lot, thanks mate. I should be able to get back to this script some time August or September... and after the notes you've provided I'm itching to do so.

I'm a little busy right now, but when I'm not against a deadline I will come back for more reads, I imagine some time around August. Hope your projects are going well.