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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Ways and Means Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 24th, 2013, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ways and Means by Lyndon McGill - Short, Thriller - Two U.S. Senators work across the aisle to achieve more than their political ambitions. 8 pages - pdf, format


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DanBall
Posted: May 24th, 2013, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

So the two senators are lovers?


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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UofOstudent
Posted: June 1st, 2013, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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Before I begin I want to make it clear that this is just My opinion of your work. With that said, it's my personal belief that opinions of your/my/anyone's work, are merely tools writers should use to help them hone their craft. I'm not an expert, I make no claim to be one. I am just a struggling writer/director hoping that my input might help another story-teller.

First off--nice to see a fellow Oregonian here on SS. How's everything in Salem....on the reverse side of that, I wouldn't put your address on the internet, what with weirdo stalker types and identity thieves just to name a few potential problems on the world wide web, it's best to be as anonymous as possible.

pg 1 - "Senator KEVIN KAUFMAN (Democrat, early 40s),” -- I wouldn't put their party affiliation in the character description. You're action and character description should be all about showing the audience what will appear on the screen, not telling them things that will be explained later or can't necessarily be filmed.

”Senator Dohohue enters followed by Kaitlyn, his aide." -- We already know it's his aid from the description in the prior scene.

pg 2 - "As Senator Donohue STARTS the car, a gloved right hand reaches around the right side of Kaitlyn's head and quickly covers her mouth. Then a gloved left hand puts an automatic pistol to her left temple." -- This paragraph feels a bit cumbersome. Maybe something like, "Senator Donohue starts the car. A gloved hand covers Kaitlyn's mouth; a gun is placed to her temple." Just a thought.

"Kaitlyn's attempt to cry out is muffled by the gloved hand." Maybe simplify to something like, " Kailtyn lets out a muffled scream."

"Senator Donohue jerks his head to the right and sees a MASKED MAN (Richard Nixon mask), dressed totally in black, leaning forward in the back seat, holding the gun to Kaitlyn's head." -- This sentence is a little too specific about how the masked man is sitting. Depending on the lighting conditions, framing of the shot, depth of field of the lens, how large or small the backseat of car that is used is, where the camera is actually placed which would depend on whether or not the DP is using a RED Epic or just a DSLR camera, and so on the actor probably won't be sitting they way you've written it. Details like this aren't necessary for a spec script, and unless you're producing this, already have the vehicle in question and have had your actors do a few test shots, in the proper lighting to see how it'll all frame up I'd leave things like this out. Only include details that are necessary to drive the story forward. It'll make your writing leaner and you won't run the risk of upsetting overly sensitive director types. Just for the record I'm not like that, but a lot of them are.

pg 3 - "Senator Donohue removes his cell phone from his coat pocket and Kaitlyn removes hers from her purse and they toss them over their shoulders into the back." -- It's implied that the Senator and his aid will dig their cell phones out of their respective places. I would possibly revise this sentence to something like, "Senator Donohue and Kaitlyn comply; toss their cell phones in the back." But that's just me. Also, things like costuming have an effect on scenes like this. What if the director and the costume designer decide that Kaitlyn's the kind of gal that leaves her purse at her desk so she always carries her cell in a shirt or coat pocket since she probably has extremely busy days of running errands, making copies, doing research on bills, etc. for the senator so she's away from her purse and her cell phone if she keeps it in there. Again this is just my opinion, but it is something to consider.

"The Masked Man waves his pistol toward the door. Senator Donohue opens it." -- Yes! This is a good example of details that drive the story forward.

MASKED MAN: Now! Or you're both gonna die! -- "Or you're both gonna die," is kind of redundant. It's implied, what with the gun and all, that they need to do what the guy says. I think it would have more than enough impact for the man to just say, "Now!"

pg 4 - ”Senator Donohue lays down first then Kaitlyn joins him, sobbing." -- I think Kaitlyn would probably start sobbing when he tells them to take off their clothes. Just my opinion.

"Senator Donohue rolls over on top of Kaitlyn." -- I sort of pictured two kids playing a game of "steamroller" here. Maybe don't use "rolls over on top of her," maybe instead, "Senator Donohue carefully positions himself on top of Kaitlyn," or something to that effect.

pg 5 - "Senator Donohue lays down on Kaitlyn's back and enters her slowly. She groans and sobs." -- Unless Kaitlyn is a girl that has a lot of anal sex, this wouldn't happen this fast; not without the senator having to force it in or a lot of lube is involved. You might want to make his entering her a bit more painful for Kaitlyn, this would also heighten the horrific situation that they're in and cause the audience to wince a bit more.

SENATOR DONOHUE: I think he's going to blackmail me. -- I thinks that overly implied by the events that just unfolded. There's really no need for the senator to say it. And, Kaitlyn's actions and lines right after might need a rethink. She was just raped...in the ass no less. Even if the Senator was forced to do it, she was still just raped, by her boss. A man she no doubt trusts. That's not something you just ignore or bounce back from...unless she's used to this sort of treatment which is a whole other short film altogether.

pg 6 - "Senator Donohue and Kaitlyn emerge cautiously and glance around the parking lot before making their way to the Senator's car. They get in, Senator Donohue STARTS the car and they drive away." -- I had a buddy who worked the ER for years. He saw a few anal rape victims come in and not one of them was walking easy. A good example of this in a movie would be in American History X, after the skinheads rape Edward Norton's character in the prison shower. Were I you I would work the painful aftermath of anal rape in here somehow.

"Kaitlyn enters, looking like she didn't get much sleep." -- Unless she was part of this plan to blackmail the Senator and used to rough anal sex, losing sleep would be far down the list of things this poor woman would have gone through after an experience like that.

To beat a dead horse... The whole scene from middle of page six to the top of page seven needs a little more drama and tension added to it, in my opinion. Kaitlyn was raped, and the poor Senator was forced to do it. So unless one or the other or both of them were in on it they should be suffering from mild PTSD, at the very least.

pg 7 - Okay, so the senator was in on it...or at least it was implied he was. This makes his "performance" to Kaitlyn more believable but I think Kaitlyn needs to be a lot more messed up mentally.

So, being that I'm a fan of twisted things I dug this idea and with the suggestions I made I would totally make this short. It's dark, it's twisted, and it points a rather scathing finger at our politicians...metaphorically speaking. Well done.
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