SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 3:24am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  House of Flies Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    House of Flies  (currently 1720 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2013, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
House of Flies by Shane Allen Yount - Horror - A troubled young woman plagued by nightmares joins a local sorority.  As she delves deeper into the secrets of the house, she comes to the grim realization that her fellow sisters are a coven of witches hell-bent on using her in a bizarre satanic ritual. 97 pages - pdf, format



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: June 5th, 2013, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1522
Posts Per Day
0.31
Opening up...


Quoted Text
INT. (MONTAGE)
Beetoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” PLAYS AGAINST
MONDO FOOTAGE of a group of COLLEGE STUDENTS tripping on LSD in a room. The
following shots are CLOSE and TEASING:


That is not a good way to start off a script. INT or EXT is followed by a PLACE and a general TIME like INT. PLACE - NIGHT. Then under it can be MONTAGE or SERIES OF SHOTS if you like. Drop the last line, that's directing and redundant. While Beethoven's works may be public domain enough where it may be okay to have it play in a background of a scene, to have it over the montage is also telling the director what specifically should be played.

The series of shots montage is incorrectly formatted. Treat them like action line and not like dialog blocks. In fact, let's take a look at that.


Quoted Text
-- A BRUNETTE convulses on the
floor, vomiting all over herself.
-- TWO NAKED GIRLS make out nearby,
violent and passionate.
-- A BLONDE rips off her blouse
with a pair of scissors, LAUGHING
MANIACALLY as she STABS her NAKED
BOYFRIEND in the face with a pair
of scissors.
-- MORE ANGLES on the bloody
aftermath as the blonde continues
stabbing her dead boyfriend.
Nearby, a REDHEAD LAUGHS and
SCRATCHES the skin off her own
face.
-- WOMAN’S HAND slides into a LONG
WHITE GLOVE with NUMEROUS SWORDS
imbedded into it.
-- A PROFESSOR records all of this
footage on site as it happens with
a handheld. Her lens gets
SPLATTERED with blood. She smiles


Now, repeat after me. ABRACADABRA


Quoted Text

A BRUNETTE convulses on the floor. vomits.

TWO NAKED GIRLS make out nearby.

A BLONDE rips off her blouse with a pair of scissors, LAUGHING
MANIACALLY as
Laughs like a maniac. STABS her NAKED BOYFRIEND in the face with a pair of scissors.

-- MORE ANGLES on the bloody
aftermath as the blonde continues
stabbing her dead boyfriend.


REDHEAD LAUGHS . SCRATCHES the skin off her own
face.

WOMAN’S HAND slides into a LONG WHITE GLOVE with NUMEROUS SWORDS
imbedded into it
a sword pattern.

A PROFESSOR records all of this footage on site as it happens with
a handheld
. Her lens gets SPLATTERED splatters with blood. She smiles.


Getting rid of the passives. Getting rid of the redundance. Getting rid of the camera angles. Getting rid of the montage altogether. As far as I know when I read the passages at first, it is as if the teens and the Professor are all in the same room and there is no passage of time ("Nearby"..."records as it happens") So that shows me that this is not a montage. It should be written as action/narrative.

And while that's a quick example, we could get tighter still. And more direct in gender. "Blonde" alone doesn't do it. "Redhead" alone doesn't work. And since there's a Brunette. what hair colors were the other two girls? If that doesn't matter, why should the rest of it?


Quoted Text
TITLE CARD: HOUSE OF FLIES
THE MAIN THEME PLAYS AS CREDIT ROLLS OVER A COLLAGE OF GRAINY
BLACK-AND-WHITE MONDO
FOOTAGE--SEXUAL DEVIANCE AND VISCERAL
CARNAGE--MERCIFULLY BRIEF SHOTS OF FIRE, RITUALS, NAKED
WOMEN, FARM ANIMALS, AND BIZARRE RITUALS THAT LEAVE MUCH TO
THE IMAGINATION.


Here's where the MONTAGE or SERIES OF SHOTS  should be. (Highlighted for this post,)

SERIES OF SHOTS
A collage of grainy home - snuff movies and still photographs: rituals, animal sacrifice, pentagrams, sex, violence etc.


Don't worry about where the title goes. Don't worry about camera angles. DON'T PUT EVERYTHING IN CAPS IT ISN'T A WANTED POSTER IT'S A SPEC SCRIPT.

Camera angles up the wazoo. Dialog is alright, but ciould be better. I stop reading at page 20 (you're a page off, so the PDF says 21) why? Here's why.


Quoted Text
Jefferon Airplane’s “White Rabbit” plays on a record player
against the backdrop of a shower.


And if you go
chasing rabbits
and you think you're
going to fall
better get the name of
the band spelled right
as if you're supposed to name the song at all

Go ask Alice
When She's Ten Feet Tall

- DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Horror Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006