Sidewalks by Curtis Rainey (AmbitionIsKey) - Short, Drama - After discovering she's pregnant a rebellious teenage girl returns home to face the mother that she hasn't seen in months. 10 pages - pdf, format

Thanks Don for getting this up so fast.  Really appreciate it!

Again, a big shout out and thank you to TOBY (Toby_E) who really helped me out with this one and saw many drafts and eventually led me in the right direction with this, like with my last short!  Can't thank him enough!

The first draft of this was written in less than an hour and was something I did when a muse hit me.  And from then, it's grown into a short I really enjoyed working on, and one I really appreciate, thanks to Toby!

Hope you guys like it!

-- Curt

Hey up, Curt.

Typo on page 2, 'I hate what you've did to this family...'.  Something doesn't read right here?

I liked this, I nice story about love, life and family but...I couldn't help feel something was missing.  I can't explain what I was expecting but I thought something more was going to happen.  Even at the end when Bailee drew her dad in the picture, I thought it was going to lead somewhere but you didn't dwell on it and I was a bit disappointed.

There's nothing wrong with this,  not at all, it's a nice story but I thought it was going to give me more, don't know why and not sure what but I felt a little short changed.  Still a good piece though.  This isn't a great review really, is it?  lol.

Hey Allfy,

Hmm.  I'm not sure if that's a typo.  I would just say that it's the way Neve actually speaks, to me it reads fine..?

Glad you liked it.  I agree that maybe something's missing.  But the aim with this one was to be short and quick.  I think the first draft was maybe one or two pages shorter, and I didn't really want there to be a lot of scenes -- just something effective, easy to film, that had a nice story that everyone could understand.

In the original draft, Bailee's dad was an actual character but he was removed and the chalk drawing was a tactic so to let the reader know that her father is apart of her life, and apart of Neve's.

Glad you like the story though, and the short overall.  Reviews are basically our thoughts on something, and you gave me your thoughts, so to me this is a review and one that's gotten me thinking!

Always appreciate your feedback, thanks for the read!

-- Curt

Hey Curt,
I really liked the story but also agree with Alffy about something being missing. I’m not sure you need the series of shots, because some of the information is implied later. I think the Mother Daughter conflict can be further explored. My question is how has the characters changed from beginning to end, yes they are a happy family at end, but how did they change on an emotional level? What have mother and daughter resolved to reach the happy family unit? Is the pregnancy enough? Just some thoughts.
Stefan

I agree with alffy... feels like something is missing.

He used the phrase "short changed", and I'll second that.

I get the whole mother/daughters will always be there for each other bit...

However, I just got nothing out of this... no emotional connection... like with your earlier stuff.

I like "When it was Bliss" better.

Thanks for all the comments, guys.  Guess I might have to rethink this one.

-- Curt

Hey, Curt

I liked this, but I don't think it really works as a short. It's a simple, straightforward story. It would work better in a feature, but there is just no payoff. I was expecting a dark twist with the Father and Bailee.

I thought that the montage scene was too long. I wanted to see Neve in a depressed state, to empathize with her, but you kind of glossed over it.

The minor characters feel like placeholders, only there to drive the story along.

Overall, i thought the story was uneventful. Nothing really too dramatic happened.

As with all your works, very well writtten and a quick read.

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey Hey Allfy, Hmm.  I'm not sure if that's a typo.  I would just say that it's the way Neve actually speaks, to me it reads fine..?

Must be just me then lol.  Actually you're right, if it's the way your character talks then anything could be considered correct.  I mean, the way some youngsters talk these days leaves me scratching my head...I can't follow a word of it lol.

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey Thanks for all the comments, guys.  Guess I might have to rethink this one. -- Curt

Hey don't start re-thinking anything just yet.  That's, what, two, three, so-so comments?  You still have the whole rest of the forum.  I guarantee you that there will also be many people that will like this.  

As for me, I'm sorry I didn't find much in "Sidewalks," because I really, really wanted to like it.  It's probably the lightest in gloom & doom that you've written, but I don't think that's the problem (and I'm sure many people will go into this thinking that something extra tragic is going to occur).  Someone mentioned "uneventful" and maybe that's it.  Neve doesn't go through a bucket-load of conflict or obstacles or any kind of problem.  She gets into an argument with her mother, leaves, gets pregnant, shows back up to her mother's house, and smash cut to several years later -- everything's hunky dory -- although a little vague.  Some questions -- that you are probably leaving up to the viewer to decide on his/her own -- but what exactly happened to Neve's father and why is she so angry with her mother about it?  Does Dan stick around or does he skip town when Neve gives birth?  Who's the man in Neve's life?

I thought that a lot was missing from the script...

The opening scene, for starters:  why is Neve so pissed at her money for a birthday party.  It was a nice thing to do and, even if Neve though she was too mature for it, there was no reason to rip her mother a new one.  I thought she wasw way out of line and I immediately grew to dislike her.

Neve's time alone went by too quickly and I felt no urgency or concern for her.  This has to be fleshed out a lot.  Spend some time with her thinking whether or not she should return home.  What are her other options.

The ending just seemed very unrealistic for me.  How does a 21 year old single mom afford a house?

I think this story needs to be flesh out a whole lot more.  Look at Juno.  That story worked because it covered everything in Juno's pregnancy.  There was no glossing over things.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hi Curt.  I might be on an Island with what I'm about to say, as no one else has mentioned this.  So you can disregard it as me being way off if you like, as I might well be.

The things that stood out for me were things that I can only describe as being a little, well...cheesy. The phrase that came to mind after the first scene was 'day time soap opera'.  This is what this felt like to me, and I'm not sure you were actually going for that.

I don't like the use of a SERIES of SHOTS in a script, and it happens to be because of things like this:

- With a smile on his face, a soaking Dan gives Neve a piggyback down a street as it rains.

- MOMENTS LATER they stop and kiss.

I'm hearing an 80's soft-rock ballad playing over this.  It's you know... a bit like a Bon Jovi video.

Later on this stood out for me...

NEVE
For, just, giving me this
unconditional love.

This sounds like something written on a Valentines day card, and not like something a person would say.

Sorry if this sounds harsh.  Just a few thoughts.  You are clearly a sound story teller, so don't take any of this to heart. Keep on keepin' on.

Quoted from dogglebe I thought that a lot was missing from the script... The opening scene, for starters:  why is Neve so pissed at her money for a birthday party.  It was a nice thing to do and, even if Neve though she was too mature for it, there was no reason to rip her mother a new one.  I thought she wasw way out of line and I immediately grew to dislike her. Neve's time alone went by too quickly and I felt no urgency or concern for her.  This has to be fleshed out a lot.  Spend some time with her thinking whether or not she should return home.  What are her other options. The ending just seemed very unrealistic for me.  How does a 21 year old single mom afford a house? Phil

Phil raises some good points.

First, and I totally didn't even pick up on it, the beginning... I can see how readers will easily dislike Neve almost instantly and that is not good as she is your protag.  Also Curt, I got to thinking, as I usually do when I read your shorts, maybe the cliche "it should have been you instead" line could be axed.

Secondly, and I've already said it, but you definitely need work on Neve's situation -- extensively.

I have nothing invested in this character.  I don't see her going through obstacles or having major struggles with her conscience as to whether or not she'll carry the baby to term.  Believe me, a woman (especially a teenage girl) going through a pregnancy (that was a surprise, no less) by herself, alone, with no one there for her, well, that's a fucking hard situation, as Mr.  White would put it.  As it is, she just gets knocked up, returns home, and all of a sudden smash cut to 4 years later and everything is peachy.  Explore Neve's character, her journey...everything.  Squeeze everything you can from an idea like this.

As for a 21-year-old single mom being able to afford a house???  Well, Phil, we don't know.  You're right in that too many things have been left out of this story.  Does Dan man up and find a good paying job to support Neve and his daughter?  Does Neve herself find a really good job?  Does she ditch Dan and meet up with some guy who was born into money?  Does Diane pitch in some cash?  Who knows... it's unclear.  As for it being unrealistic, I disagree.  I know a couple around that same age that just bought a house.  How they do it with the "jobs" that they have... if you wanna call it jobs...but they manage, and I'm very surprised.

Quoted from Guest As for a 21-year-old single mom being able to afford a house???  Well, Phil, we don't know.  You're right in that too many things have been left out of this story.  Does Dan man up and find a good paying job to support Neve and his daughter?  Does Neve herself find a really good job?  Does she ditch Dan and meet up with some guy who was born into money?  Does Diane pitch in some cash?  Who knows... it's unclear.  As for it being unrealistic, I disagree.  I know a couple around that same age that just bought a house.  How they do it with the "jobs" that they have... if you wanna call it jobs...but they manage, and I'm very surprised.

Exactly!  We don't know how she did this.  Did she win the lottery?  An inheritence?  Did she star in an MTV reality show?


Phil

I think I'll have to work on another draft then, thanks guys.

-- Curt