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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Social Climbers Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 5th, 2013, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Social Climbers by Elijah Kay (ekay14) - Short, Comedy - Four high school outcasts struggle to survive in a hostile social environment. In this episode, the four give lead poisoning to a beloved student. 15 pages - pdf, format


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 5th, 2013, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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There's a lot of typos like  - “I got to us the bathroom“. Worth going through again or getting someone to proof read, I always miss some no matter how many times I read my stuff.

Some formatting issues, have a look at some scripts and see how they are structured, like scene headings over short periods of time, montages and dual dialogue so you can see how they should be formatted.

Typos and formatting aside the story didn't do much for me, it was all over the place and unbelievable. The attempt at the Kevin Smith dialogue regarding Vader just didn't work, nor did the rest of the banter I'm afraid.

I think you tried to do too much in too little time. Everything was rushed. Try tackling one scene at a time, flesh it out until it seems natural  and read all the dialogue out loud. That's all I can suggest to get you started, hope it helps.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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ElijahKay
Posted: October 31st, 2013, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the advice man, sorry just got back
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razi
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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I dont see a plot  , read the first 6 pages nothings is happening


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CoryMcCoy
Posted: November 9th, 2013, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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This reads like a bad South Park episode to me... I'm sorry, but, I need to be honest. If in my mind I replace the voices with that of Cartmen, Kyle, Stan and Kenny it kind of works. I just don't laugh as much. I think it's a good attempt! And I'm definitely no pro by any means. So, maybe tighten it up, fix the errors and it will be better. All and all not for me but good luck with it!


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ElijahKay
Posted: November 11th, 2013, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much for all your feed back. The spelling and grammar errors are unacceptable, but more importantly, I think I have been trying to replicate the kind of senses of humor I've seen on TV when I should be remaining loyal to my own. I took a long cliche, white teenager walk in the park to clear my head and decided to abandon this script and attempt something more true to myself. (its called Cadillac and Parker, it should be up soon)

Thanks,  
Elijah
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CoryMcCoy
Posted: November 11th, 2013, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Elijah, I'm glad you took the criticism constructively! I would love to read the new script when you're done it! Let me know when it's up! Lot's of scripts get added constantly so I'll keep an eye out, but, it would be easier if you could PM me or something when it's around!

Take care!
Cory


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Andrew
Posted: November 11th, 2013, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Useful or not, that's a great title. Real eye-catcher. It just sounds like a tv show.


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ElijahKay
Posted: November 12th, 2013, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Cory, I'll be sure to contact you.

Elijah
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ElijahKay
Posted: November 20th, 2013, 12:32am Report to Moderator
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"Cadillac and Parker" is in this weeks unproduced scripts if any of you want to check it out.
http://www.simplyscripts.com/unpro.html
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