Trickster in the Tide by M - Short - A young girl holds the key to solving the disappearance of her friends, but can she unlock the secret in time?  Supernatural/thriller. 12 pages. - pdf, format

This is the third script I've read in the challenge, and this one was the best of the three by far, but I feel it still didn't meet the challenge requirements.  While it was set in the Pacific Northwest, and I guess it earned it's R rating with some gore and a couple of "fucks", where is the miraculous discovery that can change mankind?  I must have missed it.  Was it a coyote in a cave?  That doesn't seem like something that would change mankind, at least in my opinion.

Overall, the story was good, the writing concise.  A couple of slip-ups, but nothing that derailed the story.   The mood was dark.  Tay seemed to fit perfectly in to her age--you didn't make her seem older than she really was.  I think you tipped your hand a little too quickly by introducing Knox right off the bat, as I figured he was the bad guy as soon as the girls went missing.

The dialogue seemed natural, except for Knox.  For some reason, he seemed a little over the top for my taste.

Oh, what was with the side story about mom?  It really didn't seem to play into the rest of the story.  I probably would have just made Earnest a single dad and dropped the mom angle, as it didn't seem to add anything.

Other than not having a "miraculous discovery", I thought this was a pretty good effort.

Grade: B+

Gary

I didn't really understand the story. I mean I liked Tay. I liked the mystery but it didn't really fit the challenge and I was confused over Knox and Oscar. Maybe I'll take another read tonight.

Formatting is excellent.  I really like your writng style.   As for the actual story I had to skim through it.  Hopefully get back to it later.

I thought this was a solid script.  The writing is good overall, but I felt the progression was off at times.  Oscar needs some more development, but I still respect how it all unfolded in the end.

I'm going to agree and disagree with Hawkeye about Knox's dialogue.  I'm not a fan of some of the things he said, but I do like how he said it.  Does that make sense?  There was a grit and loss of control that I dug.

I'm into the full circle aspect of this, cool short.  I REALLY liked the scene where the Tay and the eyes stared at each other through the window.  Good stuff there.

Johnny

The script itself was very well written although I don't know what parameters it fell under.

I suppose the odd F$%k makes it R rated and did the coyote play some part in altering mankind ???

Well done for entering

Mark

As I go:

Is Knox Native American?

Thoughts:

Not sure if I like the super-dark take on the great Trickster. He wasn't very tricky, was he? I only say this because I love good ol' Coyote...him who when he dances we better be ready for a mess But I suppose he fits with the general tone, here.

Okay well I thought this was absolutely great. Very tight, just mean enough, and Tay was excellent. Plus, you can't beat a good nasty ending like this one.

Those who don't see a miraculous discovery here must just be very well-used to magic, I suppose!

Will agree that there wasn't much question that Knox was gonna end up the bad guy, but I'm not sure I have a suggestion for this. Maybe there's more direct evidence with Oscar?

Good characters make this stand out. Different scenery helps as well. Gruesome and some savage content.

I really liked Oscar. Colourful somehow, maybe the fact he is so matter of fact about being alive after attempt(s) on his life. He made me laugh. And I was rooting for him to make it out alive. I really liked the girl too. Innocent and realistic. I really enjoyed the quiet scenes of her on the beach. Tracing in the sand with a stick, and all the driftwood. I think these scenic elements helped this short stand out. All this without action or dialogue.  Then again I'm one of those that loved TREE OF LIFE.

I am confused on the totem concept though.  I'm thinking she was one with the bird, was someone else one with the coyote? Was it her? I don't know,  but I'm gonna say that's a good thing. Maybe the intent.

  It would have been nice to see the beast more. Maybe exaggerated appearence. I was waiting to see a totem with animals on it. Then the coyote would crack the wood, coming alive, erupting forth. Might as well go for it at that point. Make the beast more savage than the men. I didn't know where Knox stood. Was he lying and a pyschotic killer. He seemed to be hiding something from the girl.

Some grisly moments for sure. Good characters.  Some nice scenic moments. But uneven as a whole. Maybe it's the ending.

I'm 90% your 'space' under and over sentences is too high, you've probably added another 2 pages because of this. Might be a fault in the software. If it's final draft, check if you've set your line spacing to 'loose'.

Confusing, hard to take in. I had to reread several scenes before I understood what's happening. This was fine I suppose, somewhat original and the twist was fine. I didn't understand anything about Oscar, who he was, what he was doing in the script and why he was there. Consider making his story a little easier on the reader, in fact, make the whole script a little more accessible. This wasn't too bad, I enjoyed it.

Grade: C+

Very nice imagery, and for the most part the writing is easy on the eyes.  

I just think the story is a little disjointed and confusing. Then again, so is Lynch and this one's got enough atmosphere to pull it along.

Good job.

As I go (taken from Chris - Heretic's reviews) - I like the writing early on, but I don't like your Slug use.  It's easy on the eyes and that's always a plus.

Page 1 doesn't give us much, but again, it's easy to read, although a bit redundant in some details.

Page 2 - Again, the writing is good and nicely visual, but I don't like the Slug use, as you're attempting a hybrid of sorts, when at times a full Slug is needed and at others, a Mini would be fine.

"A B/S TV" - very awkward and cause for me to have to pause and figure out exactly what this is.

Sorry, but back to the Slugs - think about it - if time passes, you should be using a time element of "MOMENTS LATER" or "LATER".  Don't try to use Mini's unless you really should.  The few extra words will never negatively affect your script, but a few less words sometimes will.

Page 3 - Who is Tommy"  Either you haven't intro'd him properly, or maybe this is Knox?  Either way, something to clean up.

Page 4 - "Tay, bashful. Eliza smiles, doesn’t mind." - awkward.  Not sure exactly what this is supposed to mean.

I really like Tay's dialogue about "dog food", but I don't think the wrylie, "re: howling" works as intended.  I understand what you're going for, but I think you need an actual howl right there, then her line of dialogue.

Page 5 - "OSCAR, native American, his face as gnarled and ancient as the driftwood around it. He lies amongst the tidewrack,  eyes closed, mouth open. Looks dead." - Although I definitely like how you describe characters and things, this is a good example of a simple mistake alot of writers make.  You can and should combine the first 2 sentences, as the first isn't a complete sentence as written.  Even the short 3rd sentence can be combines with a dash.

The following 1 liner seems out of place here.

Page 6 - "your" - "you're"

"EXT. STREET" - I don't think this Slug makes much sense.

Page 7 - "EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD" - This Slug doesn't make much sense either.

Page 10 (and much of all pages) - Again, I like your writing, but you purposely omit words here and there and it only makes it look sloppy and adds confusion.  Omitting words does not help the read - ever!

Page 11 and 12 - Very confused what's going on here with Knox and Oscar.  Your writing is not clear here at all.

Well...I'm not sure at all what happened here, what the story was, what it was supposed to mean, where the miraculous discovery was or even the R rating.

It's an interesting attempt, but overall, it's a fail for me, based on the above.

Good effort, however.

Read this earlier but didn't have the time to post and now I'm going by memory. Sorry not the best way to give feedback.

I liked the tone of this. I could really feel some isolated village, a megalomaniac cop, a village conspiracy and vulnerable children, all mixed with Indian culture and mystery.

What I couldn't quite fathom was all the story, and what was happening and to who. The body, oh actually alive man, on the beach, then saying that's where the cop left him etc, but nothing then happened, seemed a tad off.

From memory the questioning giver the girl over her missing friends came from nowhere. It's the kind of thing OWC suffer from as you try and join the dots...very quickly.

But for the feeling and variation, its one of my favourites, but like mine and everybody else's needs a few tweaks.

All the best

The visuals were nice. Writing was very good. The characters for the most part were excellent. The story, well, at times a bit confusing. Had to reread a few parts but we have to understand this was done in a week. I thought the dialogue was good and I loved Tay as the protag. Add in a dead body and a few f bombs and there's your R rating. The coast was a nice touch for the story as so many choose to use the woods as the main location. The "discovery." Was it magic as Heretic suggested above? That's where I'm a little confused.

Overall, I liked it. Congrats on finishing the OWC.

- Dirk

This had a nice sense of location and some cool investigative stuff in it. I liked the hints of mystical stuff and I thought the pay-off of who did it worked well.

Having said that, I also found it a bit of an awkward read. I think it was because you let the story flow without giving us much material to orient us with what was going on. The result was that it wasn’t easy to follow and at times I was losing track of which elements I needed to focus on.

I thought the writing itself was very good and easy to read.  

The story started off slow, took a while for me to get into it.  I did like the characters though, unique and intriguing.  

Okay, have to admit I was pretty confused in a few areas.  I think the pace needs work and you need some clarification.  

I only have a few left to read and yours had the best feel for location.