LivAble by Quintin Leonard - Short - Four friends struggle to make it in LA. 26 pages - pdf, format

There’s general formatting issues. Words missing capitalisation, no spaces where there should be etc.

There are typos such as:

“So by this time me and Alan were
having a beer thinking about are
next move.”

Our instead of are.

“I’m out of
commission for two more weeks but
afterwards be I’ll like a virgin...”

I’ll be like a virgin instead of be I’ll like a virgin.

A lot of the dialogue really doesn’t work well at all. Try reading it out loud or find someone to read it out to you. What works on paper doesn’t always work orally. For example try saying:

“Now that would mean she would have
to admit to herself that all those
sleepovers of girls screaming in
the bedroom was not a pillow fight.”

…out loud and you’ll realise it’s a mouthful to say all at once and really doesn’t sound right.

Because of the above issues I got to page 11 and just gave up. I really didn’t know what was going on. I knew it was about LA types trying to make it in L.A and involved relationships but I couldn’t  grasp anything beyond that. Sorry.

Was going on  Quintin Leonard

decided to take a swing at your script

some things that threw me off a bit was your slug lines

EXT. LOS ANGELES KOREATOWN -DAY-MORNING

INT. APARTMENT-MORNING

and

EXT. LOS ANGELES


EXT. LAX AIRPORT -6 MONTHS BEFORE

that through me off cause there is no description after the first slug lines...

another is the six months before should not be in the slug line it should be
super imposed and you also had it in the dialogue which is redundant.  your
dialogue is also way to long a huge turn off

i didnt understand the whole taxi cab ride with Alan and Jacob


TRISH BELMONT, 25 Caucasian and African American descent

how can someone be Caucasian and African American descent? ....forgive me of
my ignorance

WHAT DOES THE SENTENCES BELOW MEAN?

CIRCLE IS ANIMATED SHOWING THEIR NAMES AND SAYING BROTHER
AND SISTER TWINS.

Maybe im just over thinking but why was the series of shot on pg4?  Couldnt you
just do without it?

sorry man i tried to finish the script but to many things bother me with it

more practice and good luck with your writing