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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  I Wish... Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 2nd, 2013, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I Wish… by Sean Halket - Short - A story of what ifs. 20 pages - pdf, format


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RegularJohn
Posted: October 2nd, 2013, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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Hey Sean.

20 pages?  It's only five.

Nice little story here with no talk and all walk.  Well paced and detailed.  Some things you can get rid of are the "CUT TO's" and the numbers on the scenes.  Neither are necessary.

The dance number at the end of the first scene was a bit funny to me.  It's nice to see a couple of characters just shut up and DANCE!  Haha.

I kinda knew where this was going halfway through but I still enjoyed the read.  Overall a good story, especially without a single word of dialogue, well done.  Keep up the good work.

Johnny


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MikeMac
Posted: October 8th, 2013, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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You don't like it? how about some bacon?

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Brings to mind a B&W perfume commercial.
If you want to get someones attention...whisper.

Too many "He" and "She's" for me but I can see what you're doing.

What kind of music? calliope, Jazz, big band?

M//


But thats not where the story ends.... theres twists and turns and a coupla' bends.
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