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  Author    Snow Sharks  (currently 5549 views)
Don
Posted: October 11th, 2013, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Snow Sharks by Chris Shalom (heretic) - Horror, Comedy - Nothing ruins a birthday ski trip like snow sharks. Well, that and cornices. 114 pages - pdf, format


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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 11th, 2014, 3:03am Report to Moderator
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Thought I'd help out, or not... depending on how you look at it I suppose.

First thoughts... Snow Sharks? Reminds me of Sharknado... and if you haven't pitched this script to them yet, then you should get on it. Another thing is the page count... off-putting at 114 for this subject matter I feel.

I open the script and it's written really well. So there's a sigh of relief. Opening scene just fine... aside from the fin appearing above the snow, kinda hard to swallow, but these are snow sharks and I knew what I was getting into before I opened this. However, I was struck with the thought that this story would work so much better if whatever lived under the snow was never seen. Or, they could be metaphorical sharks. Some type of alien creature.... a rewrite like that would open the scope to a lot more production companies. You're really limiting yourself with this subject matter.


This is annoying... there is no age, nor physical description of Mya aside from her wearing reading glasses. Her arm around the teddy bear is only serving to confuse me... I know kids probably wear reading glasses too, but for me it conjures up someone older. She has a thick book in her hand.... again, this says someone older.  Maybe too old for a teddy bear. I'm sure all will become clear later.

Code

Jo crosses to the door, unlocks
it, and slams it open and shut repeatedly.


I have an issue with slamming a door open. Why not something like this: Jo unlocks the door then opens and slams it shut repeatedly.

I'm not sure we need to mention that she crosses anywhere. You could cut from the window to the door if you felt like it... but that would be your choice as the director.

Code

A BANGIN’ CLUB BEAT explodes through the room. Jo sings along
at the top of her lungs and begins to dance around Mya’s bed.
After a moment, she starts shaking her ass above Mya’s head.


I know people say you shouldn't (not that I ever listen to them)... but I can't help wondering which bangin club beat you had in mind.

Code

Fenner stops. At the look on Mya’s face, Jo does too.


The above reads awkwardly right now, imo.

Up to page 12 - The usual set-up, bunch of kids about to meet their doom. I can't complain, I've pretty much done it too with a horror I wrote, although I did veer slightly from the formula. The usual shizzle though... I suppose it all comes down to how entertaining the take downs are and then how inventive you are at the end. As a viewer, I wouldn't be particularly interested in this concept (only because I've seen it a million times and sharks in the snow is just not appealing, albeit different, but still a tough concept to swallow), but as a writer, I am interested to see how you pull this off... particularly 114 pages (or whatever) worth of script.

So far the characters are developed well. I'm assuming Mya is the protagonist with Jeff as her main support... but we'll see how it plays out. You've made them likeable, had some comic moments. Given us a takedown in the first 12 too.

Code

He turns and starts to run. Suddenly...poof!
He disappears, and everything is quiet again.


OK as soon as I start reading again you intro' two disposable characters. This is good. You're giving the viewer what they want which is what I call takedowns. I also like how you haven't shown the sharks in this one. As soon as the fin is intro'd it's an LOL moment. You could turn this into a sharknado spoof if you felt like it and it would probably sell. However, if I were you, I'd still take it more seriously and use the shark thing metaphorically... with the creatures being something simply unseen. What I'd also have liked to have seen is more screaming. So whatever is under the snow takes his legs first, he's screaming, blood staining the snow etc, then he is slowly dragged under while screaming for help, hands futilely scrabbling on the snow for purchase. These are the best bits, don't slack on them... plus that extra, not only has a speaking part but he gets to do some real acting too.

Code

Jeff’s SUV cruises upwards. The hill road up is curvy and
treacherous, despite being meticulously maintained.


The above reads awkwardly.

Up to page 16 and the intro to Brady... this is getting good. I'm glad we're not just going to be dealing with the initial characters. This opens the door to more bloodshed... which is what this film should be about. Plus they're rich, arrogant assholes... even better. I have to stop for a while. I'll come back to this later. So far though, much better than I thought it was going to be.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 12th, 2014, 2:51am Report to Moderator
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OK. I wasn't quite prepared for just how silly this was going to get. I know you're not taking it seriously either... but this bit is particularly silly.

Code

BLARGH!!! The head of a FULL GROWN SHARK explodes out of the
fireplace next to Sonia, sending flaming logs flying.

DARCY (CONT’D)
What...

Sonia screams at the top of her lungs as the shark lunges
forward and grabs her left leg, ripping it off above the
knee. Unbalanced, she teeters, then starts to jump on one
leg, hopping away from the shark.

The shark, flat on its belly, manages to propel itself
forward by slamming its pectoral fins against the floor.
Hopping forwards after Sonia, it takes chomps out of the
floor with each leap.



Sharks in the snow I can just about deal with... but sharks coming out of fireplaces and hopping around a room is way too much for me. I'll try and read some more.


Code

The shark slams the ground hard. The mounted moosehead
detaches from its base, falls, and lands square on Sonia’s
head like a mask. A hopping, one-legged, moose-headed Sonia.



I'm just not feeling this at all. You listed this as a horror. This is a comedy. Not the first time in the script you've veered from the mood. On the one hand, we're not supposed to take it seriously, but I think you've gone too far with the comedy.... maybe you should just make this an all out spoof.

I'm out at page 36... once things got going, I don't believe you handled things the way you should and it isn't for me. There probably is an audience for this out there though, and would really work well as a spoof if you injected more comedy. At the moment I feel this script is going through an identity crisis.

Good luck with it.
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Heretic
Posted: February 12th, 2014, 5:39am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Dustin! Much appreciated. You are right to bow out -- it is not going to get less silly.

Wil definitely take the specific notes into account, thanks. As for the identity crisis -- that's a great heads up. To me it is all equally silly, but I will definitely check out the first act and see if there's a way to broadcast more clearly exactly how silly this is meant to be.

This is listed as horror first and comedy second because it follows a traditional horror structure and because the violence is aimed at a (silly) hard R. I didn't think of it as an out-and-out spoof, more as a Piranha (2010) type. Though maybe, like it's predecessor, that could be considered an out-and-out spoof.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 12th, 2014, 6:52am Report to Moderator
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Oh damn... I didn't read that you'd put comedy in the logline, in fact I didn't read the logline. I didn't know how you were handling this so went in expecting a serious horror, even though the subject matter is a bit out there. Maybe I shouldn't have tried reading this in the mornings.

But that's just my opinion anyway... and I'm sorry for getting confused. I'll finish the rest now I know that you were aiming for full on comedy.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 14th, 2014, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Written very well but definitely an overuse of the word 'starts'. It's OK now and again, but you use it a lot. He starts to do this or that... a lot of the time they could just do it, no need to start.... if you catch my drift.

I'm at around page 83 now and I just want this to end. The mad scientist is convenient but I suppose works in a comedy. I think the half-corpse Darcy is quite funny. Other funny moments too, but over all I'm finding this a tough read to finish. I know what the gang has to do to win and it seems obvious they will do it... if I managed to get this far watching this film I would definitely turn off now. Not enough funny. I think you need to make this an all out comedy... I laugh at bloodshed all the time, so I think you could forget even mentioning horror.

You have a talent for comedy, and it's almost as though even when you try to be serious, you'll find something funny about it. I could be wrong... maybe the ridiculousness of the subject matter calls for it.

I'm going to bow out now for real I think. If I were writing this script I'd try and make it one or the other.
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Heretic
Posted: February 14th, 2014, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers Dustin. Yeah that "starts" thing definitely plagues me with screenwriting. I'll keep it on my radar for the rewrite.

Not enough funny, that's fair. I think what I'd like to do with the rewrite is strip this down to the sequences that are most inherently funny and leave out some of the beats that are more traditional horror structure, but we'll see. Thanks!
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James McClung
Posted: February 20th, 2014, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris. Somehow I missed this one. The title is irresistible so naturally, I decided to take a look.

Some notes to start you off...

Pg. 1 - Not a fan of characters talking to themselves. In this case, I’m not sure what the point of it is. I feel like the guy would be too scared to say anything. “Bear. Be big, make noise,” works and one would probably be confused without it but the rest feels extraneous and awkward.

I notice this is also supposed to be a comedy. I’m wondering if it’s not supposed to be funny. If it is, it doesn’t work. Feels more Troll 2 than anything.

Pg. 3 - Wait... does Eli actually get eaten by the title? If so, THAT is funny. And yet, unclear.

If not, that’s fine. It’s still fun.

Pg. 12 - EXT. FORK IN THE ROAD - Think you can cut this and just go straight to the APEX LIFT. Doesn’t seem to add much otherwise. The previous scene was already the “WHOO!” moment.

Pg. 28 - Not sure if this scene works. On the one hand, it’s kinda funny. On the other, it seems like it’s trying to be dumb on purpose, what with Brady screaming “Snow sharks!” If it’s not supposed to be funny, I think you got a problem.

I don’t know. I’ve never been a fan of the whole frantic, can-only-get-one-word-out schtick. Not saying the dude has to be calm and collected but sometimes I feel like people just have to be aware of how blatantly incoherent they’re being, panicked or otherwise.

Pg. 33 - Action here is mad overwritten. A drag it to read. I’d break it up if you can.

Pg. 34 - “The bearskin extinguishes.” - I’d rephrase.

Also, “dumbstruck” instead of “struck dumb?” The latter reads weird.

Pg. 53 - Not sure I buy Quentin gnawing through the rope.

Pg. 58 - What are “Whippets” supposed to be? I take it Jeff’s not carrying a bunch of nitrous oxide.

Pg. 61 - “I’m not sad...” - Meh. Not cheesy enough to be funny. Cheesy enough not to be dramatic. Also, too long for a man who’s been ripped in half and is losing tons of blood by the second. I’d rephrase or cut.

- “Rest in peace.” - Cut. Clearly bullshit.

Pg. 65 - What’s the point of mentioning 3D if it’s all in 2D?

- This is the first script -- and likely the last -- where a character blatantly lies to the authorities about what’s actually going on (snow sharks) in favor of a more plausible story (“killers”) that would actually get them to help because, of course, no one would believe the truth.

This is a good thing. Kudos.

Pg. 69 - “Quentin hurls his cellphone...” - Sentence is way too long-winded and convoluted. Would break up.

- “I’m sorry about Quentin, babe.” - Sounds phony. Would cut/rephrase.

Pg. 70 - Wouldn’t Darcy be totally dead at this point anyway? What’s with his mouth moving?

Pg. 72 - TUBE ROOM - I like this room. Reminds me of the Neptune chamber in Resident Evil

Pg. 73 - Already way too much blatant exposition on Fappenteimer’s part and he’s barely gotten started. I’d try to incorporate this information more gracefully.

- “SNOW sharks. What have I done?” - Too much.

Pg. 79 - Okay. Now, I guess Darcy’s resilience is a gag of sorts. Fair enough. I’m not a fan but indeed, fair enough.

Pg. 85-86 - Think this whole section could use a rewrite. I was definitely confused as to all the stuff going on with Jo inside the shark’s mouth, the shark landing, hanging by its teeth, etc. Couldn’t get a handle on what’s supposed to be happening.

--

First things first,

Not a fan of the writing style. Way too flashy for my taste. It seems like a conscious choice on your part so I won’t harp on it too much. But I will say that in certain places, the writing is so long-winded, I had to re-read. If you want to add some extra flare to your writing, that’s one thing but it shouldn’t be at the expense of clarity or flow.

That said, it did even out as the main characters came into the picture. I’d just keep an eye out for overwriting whenever you decide to give this another sweep.

The characters, I did like. Some of them were idiots but they were funny and endearing for the most part. All of them had distinct personalities and while some perhaps didn’t maintain the same presence throughout, I never had a hard time distinguishing one from the other...

...except on the bad guy side, of course. I guess all the suits were supposed to form a composite bad guy of sorts, i.e. the government. Fair enough, I suppose. Dr. Fappenteimer was a blatant deus ex machina though. Quite shamelessly so.

By the way... Fappenteimer... I see what you did there.

The one thing I will note on the protagonist side is how irrelevant the subplot with Julia was. There were a number of times it was brought up and I’d totally forgotten about it. It doesn’t really play into the plot at all. The parallel between suicide and Mya inviting her friends on a trip that takes a turn for the worst is more than a little flimsy. On top of that, the suicide doesn’t seem to shape Mya’s personality or behavior in anyway, at least as far as I could tell.

Bottom line, either it needs to be expanded upon or cut out entirely. You’ve got 113 pages here so needless to say, you could lose some material.

Now... let’s get to the nitty gritty. I basically wanted to like this a lot more than I did. The concept is a lot of fun and you definitely deliver on the gore front. When the humor worked, it worked quite well. I’ve already talked about the characters. All in all, I think this has the potential to really be something special.

But...

The humor didn’t always work. At times, it seemed like it was trying too hard or intentionally trying to be stupid. I mean, granted, the script is called Snow Sharks. You have to expect some stupidity but honestly, I’ve never been a fan of the so-bad-it’s-good genre when it’s intentional. Nothing is funnier or more entertaining than *genuine* incompetence so when the filmmakers or whoever are in on the joke, the work is automatically at a disadvantage.

Reading the logline, I expected something more along the lines of Dead Snow. Often, that’s what I got but at other times, it seemed like you were trying to go the Sharknado route.

What really hurt the script for me was something that honestly I couldn’t tell was supposed to be funny or not and that was the treatment of death or on a more general level, danger. When the snow sharks show up, no one but Brady seems to freak out or at the very least mention how fucked up of a situation this is. Some of them even end up going to bed, despite the fact that there are vicious killing machines swarming all around them.

When characters die, no one seems to care or even react, really. Occasionally, they’ll casually acknowledge the passing of a friend but usually it’s in an extremely nonchalant way. This happens so often that when characters start talking about how much they loved their dead significant other or, for example, when Jeff dies and Mya freaks out... it’s actually weirder than all of the deadpan non-reactions that characters are having the majority of the time.

This stuff basically killed the horror aspects of the script for me because it made the stakes completely worthless. What the fuck do any of these characters care about the sharks terrorizing tourists when they don’t even care about their friends *actually* being killed? It made me wonder what the point of all this was. If the script’s supposed to be a horror-comedy ala Piranha, it doesn’t work and if it’s trying to be so-bad-it’s good, I’ve already explained why that doesn’t work either. If it’s the former, you’ve got a much bigger problem on your hands because even if this is all supposed to be humorous, it’s not even consistent because indeed characters do occasionally make mention of loving their dead girlfriends or boyfriends.

I’d work on this if it’s against what you’re going for. If it is intentional, I’m just gonna have to bow out and say this is a missed opportunity for something better that doesn’t constantly take the piss.

Other than that, you’ve got some cartoon physics going on. If the sharks are genetically engineered, I can go along with some of it but when they presumably weigh several tons, a lot of the action just isn’t going to fly. Also a lot of instances of characters who should be dead, incapacitated, or in pain are not. Some of this works as humor but other instances, again, kill the stakes. If a character can’t even scream at getting a leg or arm bitten off, what’s the point? They may as well be in a Will Ferrel movie.

Even as a self-aware film, I don’t think this was quite-self aware enough. Even if it’s not my thing, I think the humor needs to be consistent if it’s to have any effect.

So that’s about what I got. Overall, I can tell you know what you’re doing when it comes to screenwriting, at least generally speaking, but I guess I’d say the tone of this was lost on me. If it’s supposed to be a basic horror-comedy, the humor gets to be a little too stupid and if it’s supposed to be so-bad-it’s-good, it’s not quite stupid enough, not to mention inconsistent. Personally, I’d go in the former direction but that’s just me.

So not bad, overall. But needs work and could certainly be better.

Hope this helps. Forgive the typos. Been typing for a while.


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Heretic
Posted: February 21st, 2014, 1:06am Report to Moderator
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James,

Awesome! Thank you. I want to whittle this one down from something that's too long and tonally inconsistent to something that's…y'know, the opposite. The above will really help me do that. It's definitely supposed to be Piranha-style horror-comedy, but I'm a little hamstrung by the fact that my sense of humour skews significantly towards the stupid already, so it's not surprising to hear that the stupidity drags the tone down.

I'm struggling a bit because I did want something dumb enough that, for example, the shamelessness of Fappenteimer's character as screenwriting tool could be a part of the joke without destroying the whole thing. Maybe that's not reasonable. Regarding the physics, as well, I think this is one of the main things pushing the Sharknado feeling and maybe something that just has to be toned down.

Thanks too for the page by page notes. Some really helpful stuff there in defining the boundaries of what's working.

I'm basically braindead after day two of a conference here on genocide, so I'll leave it at that, but again, thank you very much.
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TonyDionisio
Posted: February 22nd, 2014, 3:41am Report to Moderator
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Here in N.Y. at Times Square,  they are filming Sharknado 2. This just reminded me of it. Couldn't sleep.

Gl,

Tony
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Gum
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Hey Chris;

Hope all is well. I didn't realize you had a feature on the board... well, not until now that is. Good thing I decided to float around through all the features today. I usually stick to the 'Shorts', cause they're any easy read, and thus, usually easy to give feedback. That being said, you have been kind enough to give me more than just a few lines of good advice in the past that I would like to offer, for what it's worth, at least a read of your script, and perhaps some credible feedback.

First off... Snow Sharks! Holy crap. I thought I had cornered the market on 'way out there' with a chrome plated Psychopomp trying to seduce a comedic icon. I think you rolled me on this one. Truthfully, I wasn't even aware that there were a few movies out there with the same premise, or concept, until I read some of the other comments. So I did a quick search, and lo and behold... Snow Shark movies are not only out there, they're making sequels! Man, I really need to crawl out from under my rock every now and again.

I was wondering, however, why you might have a go at creating yet 'another' one since the novelty might come and go just as quick as the sharks themselves, but... meh! If you have something lurking in the back of your head that you just need to get down on paper, I say go for it! I'm no stranger to that either. I went a few pages in and decided I better backtrack so I don't forget what I've read. So, as I go... again.

"EXT. GREAT WHITE - BACKCOUNTRY - DUSK
Jagged peaks rise in the distance like...y’know. Teeth."

Nice... the slug puts me in mind of how awesome a winter sunrise/sunset could actually be, without all the forty below. The rest has me visualizing the 'Jaws' poster. Perhaps just 'Sharp, Jagged Peaks' would give the visual as well?

Eli, on the ascension, at an arbitrary age of 33. I'm feeling an iconic preamble building up. We'll see with the other character names.

Just hit the title... Cool teaser!

Mya appears to be our Protag, and the readers anchor to accept the visuals (or the journey) at a face value. From the Sanskrit 'Maya'(Illusion), we indeed do come upon her in a deep sleep. Even so, when she's awoken by her friends, still introduces herself to us as being 'Sleepy'. Perhaps Mya never really awakens, and we just follow her. The music is after all... soothing, enough to keep us in a lull. She has no age either, thinking maybe she's not even here, so she'll have to lead us to see what she sees.

"At the door, MATT “Fenner” FENNER (26) appears. No two ways about it -- he looks like a dirty hippie, scraggly beard, poncho, and all."

This guy had me visualizing 'Alice in Chains' deceased front man; Layne Staley, especially from the 'Man in the Box' video. Which reminds me, you should make Fenner a heroin addict. Makes for a quick 3D character, plenty of callback, and a whole host of scenarios that could be turned on their head.

" Jo drops her pants too, and the two shake their bare asses to the music. Despite herself, Mya laughs.

MYA
Okay! Okay, I’m up. Put those things away."

LOL, yes let's put them away. If this is a quirky, B-Gore, then we're not suppose to see gratuitous skin till at least... umm, page ten? Just shi**ing you. I'm getting a feel now that this is going to be a comedy/gore as it was actually stated. The avenue of approach is a little off for the character set though. Some of the humour is on game, some is not. There are two names on the credit of this script, I'm just curious if there are two different types of (conflicting) humour here at work. Actually, after the Phoebe Cates topless scene in 'Fast Times', anything else, in terms of gratuitous, just doesn't measure up

" EXT. FORK IN THE ROAD - DAY
The SUV pulls up to the fork and stops. The music shuts off."

HA ha! If Joseph Campbell was still around, he'd be going "Wait a minute... what?!" The classic 'Stepping off of the Beaten Path'. I'm always left wondering how I could covertly accomplish this without being too overtly direct. Damn you for thinking inside the box!... er, I mean, well done.

Here Mya offers up an alternative solution to a mediocre existence. That is, of everyone having their own void within the land of plenty. "Follow me" she says, and I'll take you unto my illusion where everything is free! This is getting good.

" The SUV turns left. Away from Mount Ursa. Towards Great
White. The music BLARES again."

So, they ascend right into the jaws of the beast. Curiously, no one objects though. It was too easy. Maybe if Fenner is supposed to meet someone on the original path up at Mount Ursa. A fix that he's scheduled to get him through the days ahead, then perhaps it would pose as a major stumbling block for the group, and somehow, let us know that not all is right with their quick decision.

"Hey guys, let's stick to the fu**ing plan!" Adds a little bit of tension, and a little bit of tension never hurts a story. The only problem is... he's NOT an addict. LOL, you'll probably never hear that said outside of this board; "Not being a heroin addict is a problem."

It doesn't have to be Fenner of course, it could be anyone of the characters who pose the "is this a good idea?" scenario, just an indication that they know something else besides a free ride lies in wait for them. Maybe Mya herself is not in a dream state after all, but a nightmare, and she's bringing everyone to the edge of darkness with the old adage; "You get nothing, for nothing"

" QUENTIN
Careful what you say. Y’know there are mics in all these vehicles now. The government’s listening."

It would appear they (government) invade Mya's illusion as well. Can't seem to find solace inside the truth. I dig the fact that, if all else fails, we now have a scapegoat to fall back on. I smell weapon grade sulphur here. This allows the reader to understand that, if there's something out there killing people, then there's always someone, or something  out there who wants to make it a weapon, and it usually involves a shadow OP.

LIZ
Damn right, fuck ‘em. People that eat shark fin soup, that is, not “the Chinese.”

LOL, reminded me of The Dude and Walter having it out about the (sic)'Chinaman' who pi**ed on the Dude's rug in 'The Big Labowski" Could be worse. Could have been about Eskimo's eating soup made with Eyeballs from a Seal, but then again, the Inuit would agree to disagree. About being an Eskimo that is.

" SUIT 1
Out here, you can get off and still have blue balls, y’know? I mean, this Mother Nature bitch is so cold you can slap her thigh and get a Slushee. Y’know?"

LOL, this character's dialog is even funnier if you pronounce it with an English accent. I think this guy should definitely be from the U.K.

BRADY
Help me!"

Wait... who is Brady? Sorry man, I had to double back on this guy. So far, he's only had two lines (pg.17 & pg.22). Mind you, there are 9 characters now that I'm trying to tie this all together with. Yet none of them appear to have any major character flaws, or nuances that make them memorable. At least, none that I remember.

Actually, Mya is memorable because she's our Protag, and Darcy, because he's a tool, and has some bigger chunks of dialog that get clever, like the Johnny Walker thing. I gave 'Suit 1' an English accent, so if I see him again I'll most likely remember him. Perhaps if Fenner was a bit more off the wall, then he might sink in a little deeper as a character. He's kind of that way a bit, just not enough if that makes any sense.  But I'm still rootin' for him.

"SLAP! Brady slaps his head left, then backhands it right,then slaps it left again."

Ha ha! I envisioned Ren slapping the sh*t out of Stimpy, and in his south of the border suave "Keep it together mang!"

"A hopping, one-legged, moose-headed Sonia?"

This is an insane comedy of errors that I'm going to assume, would play out much better on film than I would even imagine. Puts me in mind of the Evil Dead sequel, Army of Darkness, and that bizarre tribute to the comedy/gore scene.

"JO (CONT’D)
I was almost there, you asshole! Do you have any idea how hard it is to come in a fucking tree?"

OK, not quite as enchanting as the scene with Forrest Gump and Jenny in the tree. Not sure why this scene is even here, considering the circumstances they're involved with. Actually, I've seen worse, with respect to people getting it on in adverse situations. Aspects of our creature hood I guess.

I'm going to plead ignorance here... what's a "Whippet'?

“ROB
No, you’re doing four before three. Four, light a fire under Mike. We need them giddy fuckin’ foxhole drunk when media hits the lounge. We’re sneaking a look at the red-cheeked rich and we want the 9-to-5ers to feel it. Without pissing off the wallets, of course."

The euphemistic double- speak of the executive/corporate tool. LOL, it would seem, at times, like their minions are the only ones hanging onto their rant. You got this down though… funny.

“ROB (CONT’D)
Avalanche, flying mutant bears, a skull crushing serial killer racking up a thousand points a head and aiming for a cool mil...nothing is shutting this weekend down.”

Oh man, part of me wants this dude to get ripped in half by a shark, but my other side thinks he’s kind of funny to keep around… for now.

“MYA
“We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried. Most people were silent.”

JEFF
“Now I am become-”

I think this would have played out better if Jeff chimed in with something out of context, and drooling ignorance, like… “I have a dream.”

I'm gonna have to break up this rant in 2 seperate posts, the post is complaining it's too long. Not sure if it's the actual length of the post, or the actuall character count. Maybe you would know why it's giving me that message.
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Gum
Posted: March 2nd, 2014, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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Post 2... LOL, Pack a lunch, I'm making you read feedback tonight!

“DR. FAPPENTEIMER (CONT’D)
...the Destroyer of Worlds.

DR. FAPPENTEIMER (CONT’D)
Yes...indeed, this is my doing. I was pushed, yes, and I was threatened, even beaten...but history will rest the depth of the coming carnage on my shoulders.”

OK, quite a bit going on here now. Easter eggs everywhere, pushing the envelope on Campbell’s twelve step boons, scapegoats, perhaps a hint there’s a Machina pulling wires from within. It’s all working though, you’re getting clever, and I’m digging it. I say (Joseph Campbell), only because it’s convenient, however, these processes can be found at a more in depth state through the Comte de Saint-Germain and his opus LA TRÈS SAINTE TRINOSOPHIE, or ‘Most Holy Trinosophia’. I think this would be right up your alley, if you haven’t already found it and incorporated it into you repertoire.

The gang has now entered figuratively and literally into the belly of the beast. The tunnel and secret lab under, or ‘Within’ the Great White itself. Here they can begin the transformative process of changing. From thesis, through the antithesis of actually releasing themselves unto the beast, in order to acquire the synthesis of their return.

The telling of Jonah and the Whale, and him being consumed by the beast itself has intrigued stories for ages, and you’ve covertly inserted it at a convenient time.

The Alchemical process takes place within an Alembic. Usually a 72 hour process (3 days) known as ‘Digestion’, where the suffered matter is further broken down into its constituents to be reorganized, and born anew and combined with the energy released from within the beast itself (here it would represent itself as knowledge, how the beast works, and how to kill it). What it is that's taking place within the lab of the Great White Mountain.

Mya, as the Christ is thrown into a cave (lab), or grotto, and it's hermetically sealed off with a stone, or lid. Allowing her to percolate within the final and complete sacrament of the Bridal Chamber. Purging away the Frankincense and Myrrh, the sulfuric residue of ignorance, giving unto her the power of the Golden Man, the base consciousness of knowledge.

Is she still residing within her illusion, or is she ready to emerge unto the corporeal as a warrior to be reckoned with? I'm feeding of the mythological narrative here, because it's the primary catalyst of my wanting to read and write screenplays. So, if I'm ranting, forgive me.

I like what you did with FAPPENTEIMER here. I’m wondering if we’ll see a pair of fish, or mutants under the guise of ‘Fat Man’ and ‘Little Boy’, actually, I’m hoping I do.

“..out into open air. Inside its mouth, Jo screams for help as the shark disappears into the abyss below.”

“MYA
I didn’t just not go over to her house. You know what I said? I said, “Yes, I’ve gotta focus on my priorities, and friends don’t always come first.” And that’s it. Those are the last words she heard anyone say before she-“

Not sure why she hasn’t resolved this yet?  As it stands, this suicide thing is weighing her down. I would perhaps have Jo die in the Grotto, the Lab. Then Mya can purge herself there. Leaving behind all traces of forgiveness, acquire Jo’s energy, and use it for the coming fight.

“A mass of shark fins streams down the hill after Fenner... and behind them, a massive avalanche... and in the avalanche, hundreds of sharks... and most of the avalanche sharks are on fire.”

This scene would be stellar in 3D!

“Her hand comes up with a screwdriver as the fiery shark slams its right fin against the groomer, angling its body to get it further inside. Mya stabs at its eyes with the screwdriver, desperate. Fenner starts to stab the side of its head.”

This would be a great time for Fenner to stab the shark in the top of its head with a hypodermic needle full of heroin, a ‘Hot Dose’ where the thing becomes crazed and begins a feeding frenzy amongst the other sharks, having them tear each other apart in a crimson bath on the hill. Fenner, being an addict, is actually the Deus ex Machina! Ha ha!

Or maybe not, we still have 10 pages to go. LOL For that scene though, could be cool.

“EXT. GREAT WHITE - DAY
Just white.
It’s a beautiful day. Suits mill around, snowmobiles run up and down. The lodge is gone. Two suits convene.”

The story is now book ended with the opening scene, but I’m feeling ripped off that Mya and Fenner didn’t make it. Unless they’re trapped in the lodge under the snow and still have a chance?

Anyways. Kudos to you for finding the time to write a feature on such a crazy subject. It would definitely be difficult to keep it fresh, because all you really have to envision is ‘Snow’, ‘Sharks’, and ‘Blood’. You have to keep the action going, or carry it with some interesting dialog, and I think you gave it your all in both categories.

I won’t bang on about anything else at this time, because I see Dustin and James have already given you quite a bit of useful feedback.

So cheers to this, I enjoyed the read, keep writing, and take care for now… Rick.
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JonathonHaberer
Posted: March 18th, 2014, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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I watched sharktapus once. I plan on asking God for that 80weekend mins back. Should I read this?
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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 18th, 2014, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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I noticed earlier on IMDb that there is actually a film called Sand Sharks... released in 2011. It scores lower than Sharknado.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1844770/?ref_=tt_rec_tti

Apparently it took two writers. I think I prefer snow sharks over sand sharks though, or even sharks in a tornado. At least this one is tongue-in-cheek and would make a great spoof. Probably exactly the right time for a shark spoof.
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 18th, 2014, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Sand Sharks is God Awful, but then again, so are all these DTV pissers.
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