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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  And He Spoke A Darkened Heart - OWC
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  Author    And He Spoke A Darkened Heart - OWC  (currently 3119 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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And He Spoke A Darkened Heart by Four - Horror - A mix of corporate philosophy and evil combine to make merriment on the eve of war. ( PG ) - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, 1/2 a page and I'm out.

Mistakes everywhere, including your opening line.

I see the tone appears to be a joke or pisser and I don't have time for this now.

Congrats on completing a script and entering.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Nothing scary, creey or much less interesting here. Feels like a big joke with a weak punchline. By the way, what is Elvis doing at a 'hell' meeting?

TIED OF THE CAPPED LAUGHS AND APPLAUSE every other narrative line.
Note the title on the title page has a typo. I know...feels trivial, but still...sorry. this did zippo for me.



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JD
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not really sure what to make of this one. There's a ton of dialogue, which shows up on the screen as talking heads, and not much action except for applause and stuff. Nothing to do with horror as far as I could tell. Horror usually has suspense and the sense of impending doom for at least soneone or something, I didn't see any of that here. And what's with all the action / description lines being in caps?
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RegularJohn
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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Be wary of too many capitalized words.  Usually they're saved for sounds or really important objects.

Half a page down and I see what the problem is.  I hope something really scary pops up soon as this is headed in the wrong direction very quickly.

Started glancing over things but by page 3, I'm done.  A perfect example of what happens when dialogue takes front and center before action.  I don't mean to be a d*** but you really can't just have your characters talking for 3 or more pages and add a line of cheering in between each bulking paragraph.  It's like staring at someone while they're having a phone conversation.

Sorry I couldn't make it through your script.  Thanks for your submission in any case.

Johnny


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SilvaSly104
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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This script read more like a comedy than a horror. While I do applaud your approach, it still felt kinda flat to me. Your prose could definitely need some work done on it, and some of the dialogue felt like it rambled on and on...great to begin with, but felt a bit too continuous focusing on the same subject of statistics. The part that really took my interest was Phil's conversation with the young man. That was genuine interesting, as it did hold my curiosity who this person would be.

**SPOILER ALERT**

I do have to admit though, I was hoping the unidentified young man would be Justin Bieber sent to terrorize humanity with his music...one of the other reasons the story felt flat for me...didn't feel like Winston Churchill was quite the right punch to end the story. Oh well...decent read nonetheless
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Last Fountain
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Another comedic take. Not really any horror. A satire I guess. Commenting on economics and socio-political ideas. At least it's a modern take on what witches would be up to. Business.  Technology.  

SPOILERS

The end twist confused me. I'm thinking he is Hitler.  In modern days. The 2nd coming of antichrist? Didn't get it I guess. But some interesting sociological ideas about modern witches.


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DV44
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Not a drop of horror anywhere. More of a comedy. Nicey written though. You're definitely an accomplished writer. I applaud your efforts but I would have loved to seen one of these warlocks/witches actually do something in the modern world instead of a long drawn out rally about talking to take over the world. Either way a worthy effort.

Congrats on completing the OWC!

- Dirk
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wonkavite
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

Hey -  

I enjoyed this one.  I do agree with other posters, of course, that there's absolutely no horror here.  But...as a comedy, it was fun (especially the first part).  I did giggle several times while reading the speech. (The possessed children vomit and clap at the same time.)  Cute.

I *do* have considerable questions about the timeline, here.  James Dean and Elvis at a table in Hell...and Adolph as a young man?  Is "Adolph" just starting his journey?  Or does time just somehow work different in Hell?  It left me confused.

But as a comedic trifle, it was fun.  
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RJ
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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FAIRIES ZIP PAST A SERVANT AND SNATCH DRINKS FROM HER TRAY. – was taken by this statement and didn’t understand until further what type of ball this was – thought it could have been made clear that it was a ball for demons, witches, etc. Plus, unless this is a complete pisser, there’s not need for the capitalization of all of the description lines.
Ok, by mid page 3, I agree that the talking is taking it’s toll.

Good effort, but in the end, I too, was left a little bewildered.

Renee
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SAC
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Not really a serious entry here, yeah? Doesn't fall anywhere near the criteria needed for this challenge, but I thought it was cute and had some moments that made me chuckle. However, it's littered with typos and improper format. You might wanna check out some other scripts to see how it should be done. It takes time, that's for sure.

In regards to the ending, how could we possibly know Winston Churchill is speaking if he's in VO? Unless its a famous quote and I'm just missing the boat?

Anyway, congrats on entering.

Steve


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James McClung
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Not a bad start. A little clever, a little funny. It got stale as it went along though. I mean, I think by page 2 or so, the punchline had sunk in.

A lull after the speech then there's the ending. Funny. Not laugh out loud but it made me crack a smile.

Action is sparse so I honestly can't really comment on it. Lots of typos though. Clean 'em up.

As an OWC entry, man, oh man. Failure-a-mundo. Not horror. Not modern. That's only 1/3 criteria.

For what it is, not bad. Nothing special but it does what it's supposed to do and goes by quick.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 25th, 2013, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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This one didn't really work for me. I liked the idea though of the Warlock Co. The first half of the script was just speeches at a podium. The rest was about a young Hitler. That was pretty much it.

Suggestion. Cut down on the speeches, introduce Hitler earlier and show a little more of his and Phil's character. So we care about something. Someone.


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Ledbetter
Posted: October 25th, 2013, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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I hate to jump on the train but I have to agree here.

ZIP on the horror!

I got half way though and pulled the plug based soley on that.

I love the fact that you gave it a shot and your writing has heart.

That's what makes the OWC so great though. Take a challange and try...

For that I applaude you.

Best of luck in your writing.

Shawn.....><
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 27th, 2013, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


AND HE SPOKE A DARKEND HEART

Hello!

It was entertaining, but didn't hit the genre.

The idea of presenting the EVIL INC is creative. The scene at all was too lengthy in execution. You had a lot of potential there to make a horrible party of the evil. And I mean really horrible. Too bad, that you didn't do so...



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