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New Salem by Wolfgang Calvin - Horror - In the secluded town of New Salem, Alaska, a disgraced sheriff seeks to rescue his former deputies from a coven of witches operating a whore house. ( R ) - pdf, format
Uh, yeah, posting this with "Final Draft 8 Demo" all over every page is not a good idea, bro.
Writing-wise, I can tell you're probably brand new at this and it does show. I don't mean that in a mean way, but I have to be honest. There are so many mistakes of every kind everywhere here. You really need to look into the use of the apostrophe.
You're attempting to direct ths shots here and it reads very poorly.
Your character intros are all very poor - you over describe details that don't matter, yet never give a single character an age - "young" and "old" are in the eyes of the reader.
Character names come off as goofy. Action is not remotely realistic. All in all, it doesn't work at all as written.
Too bad too, because I actually love your logline and was thinking this could be really cool.
Don't give up, as the fixes here are relatively simple once you know what you're doing.
Time to buy your FD and get out of the demo mode or find another program.
You don't need all the CUT TOs. Most of the time, when a new line of narrative happens, it's ubderstood (wiithout writing it) that we are "cutting to" that new scene, action or character. Right now the abundance of it clutters up the pages. I don't mind one or two in a longer script, but they aren't needed this much in a short script.
'Young and old' - needs to be more defined with characters. Friar is a deputy that's "young". Diana is "an old woman'. That shows menothing. John Friar could be 28 and Diana could be 52.
About Sexy Susie and Lori Love. I don't mind funny names. But in narrative you keep switching from Lori Love to Lori, Sexy Susie to Susie and so on. Note there's no Dirty Diana...just Diana. Not that I'm saying there Diana should be dirty. But alass, she has no funny nickname.
Forget the 'SUPERIMPOSE' at the end. It isn't needed.
Aside from all the above and a few spelling errors, the story drags out a bit too long (Diana has a 'talking fallicy' cliche) but for the OWC it's a decent shot. Not bad, But it could have been far better.
Hard to get through because of the watermark. Waaaay too much minor details about characters personal appearance. Frequently hard to follow the logic -- or lack of -- in sentences. And the point of the story?
Despite some flaws with the writing I kind of liked the action here, straight in, no messing around. Reading the feedback I see this is your first script -- so kudos for that, it’s not a bad effort for a first time at all.
A few things to think about:
I wouldn’t use ‘gloom’ to indicate time of day. It’s generally DAY or NIGHT, though I’d suggest reading up on slug-lines to see what the accepted format is and the reasons why.
Spend more time thinking through your action lines. Not sure you can come to a ‘screeching halt’ if you’re plowing through muddy ground. Might seem like a niggle, but stuff like this counts when writing for a visual medium.
Same thing with,
‘Sheriff Lyon lays on his knees, breathing heavily.’
Why not,
‘Sheriff Lyon kneels, breathing heavily’.
How do we know he’s the ‘...former Sheriff’? Again, this has to be shown through the story itself and not told to the reader.
Spend some time on the spelling and grammar -- apostrophes in particular, it’ll go a long way to get reads.
Think about how to tighten your action lines and trim the fat, i.e.
‘Lori Love comes stomping out of the house, making her way towards Sheriff Lyon. The gunfire doesn’t phase her, it only seems to piss her off.’
It’s not terrible, but it could be simpler:
‘Lori Love stomps out of the house and continues towards the Sheriff unfazed.’
-- We’d know by her next line of dialogue that she’s pissed at him.
Again, not a bad effort for a first try -- good luck and keep at it!
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Celtx is free, there are also free templates for both Microsoft Word and Libre Office (Open Office on Windows).
You seem to have an aversion to commas.
"WOMAN (O.S.) Oh stop it you dumb asshole... "
Who is this woman?
"Suddenly Sexy Susie comes bursting through the cellar door."
No need for the word 'suddenly'... indeed, there rarely is in a screenplay.
"Lori Love comes stomping out of the house ..."
No... Lori stomps out of the house
"Sheriff Lyon fires his rifle at Lori Love but, Lori reaches her arms out and the bullets turn to dust. "
Drop the 'but' and put in a full stop.
"notices the murder of crows "
Murder of Crows is actually the title of one of my latest scripts.
Anyway... I skimmed through to the end which is why I noticed that. Story is very lacklustre. Just needs work. I can't score you as I didn�t read it all.
Don't get me wrong, you're a pretty decent writer. You just need a more fitting story. You should also read lots of scripts.
Well, the final draft demo slapped across every page is very distracting. Just use some free software like trelby in the future. Or, from my knowledge, you can edit away the watermark since it's not tattooed onto the script with a simple pdf editor.
These names seem to be taken out of a porno methinks.
The POVs make me think this is a pisser, since I see no reason for them to exist.
Page 3: You see, I can't really pinpoint it but I literally have no idea why this was made on the trial version of final draft since the writer obviously knows what he's doing.
Why the hell is there an underscore in the dialogue?
"Diana notices the gun. Freezes, pupils dilate. She smirks. DIANA (CONT’D) Bastard. Sheriff Lyon fires the handgun, blows Diana’s head off. "
You know, surprisingly, this was okay. Not too bad. Writing for the most part was fine. Seemed like a pisser, didn't laugh much mostly because I'm not in the mood. Story had some good surprises and I had fun. Ending could've been better though, a little underwhelming but it was still fine. Good effort.
Grade: C+ Would've been a B- if you took away those annoying watermarks.
Storywise, it was entertaining to some degree. A whorehouse full of witches. A determined Sheriff to clean house and rescue Johnny. Horror was present indeed but the format needs some working. Get some new software (Celtrex, Trelby) to help with the watermark in the background. Too many times the watermark blended with the dialogue and action lines. Hard to read. Also when introducing the character for the first time include an age. Helps the reader get an idea what the person looks like. No age. No idea if the person is young or old. Anyways, good job. Keep writing, you'll only get better with time.
Like others, I found myself really distracted by the Final Draft watermark. As some have mentioned, Celtx is one option. Another would be cutting and pasting into Word, and then tweaking format as needed.
Based on a few things (typos, etc), I'm guessing you're a relatively new writer. Yes, there are things that you'll revise re: your writing style as you go along. Abbreviating descriptions to essential details only. More active verbs. Shorter sentences, etc.
And there were a few little things that stood out for me as promising in this. One line in particular "you'd make a better pet than supper."
So keep at it..! And congrats on submitting to the OWC!
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Just opened this one up. The FD water mark is a bit distracting, but I understand if you haven't wanted to take the plunge for a legit copy yet. Celtx is free. Check it out.
Story wise, this one was okay. I liked the idea of a Sheriff trying to rid his town of the coven. That idea can probably be made into a feature script.
I'm not so sure I liked the witches boiling people. Seemed unnecessary. Maybe because I'm tired of cannibalism stories.
I liked the wooden gun. Sort of like needing a silver bullet to kill a werewolf.
I think some of your writiing can be made a little more clear, but over all, a decent story.
Page 1. The end of the slug should tell us what time of day it is. DAY or NIGHT. GLOOM isn't exactly a time reference.
Do tires screech in mud?
Why do you describe Freddy Lyon as former sheriff. If that is important to the story, let it be revealed on screen in some way otherwise, an audience will never know. Your character name in the dialogue you call him Sheriff Lyons. Why not skip the "former" part and just call him Sheriff Lyons.
Page 2. Your slug says CELLAR. You need to tell us where or who's cellar it is. Is it the whore house or the dilapidated colonial?
"Former" Sherriff? How in the world are we supposed to know that?
So many CUT TO's. Ugh. More distracting to me than the Final Draft watermark AND unnecessary.
Lots of characters already by page 2.
I couldn't get into this story. For me it was too much action, not enough character development. I didn't care about anyone so for me the story fell flat. I think even in action stories we need to have some investment in the main character.
Good job completing something for this challenge though.