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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Willow's Bewitchment - OWC
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  Author    Willow's Bewitchment - OWC  (currently 4515 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Willow's Bewitchment by Seven - Horror - Poor, sweet Willow the witch deftly escapes the horrors of inhumanity only to face a worse fate! ( R ) - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Willows Bewithchment

Spoilers

P2 - zobies?
Their motivation evaporates. - ???

Finished

A few writing issues but which one hasn't , they're all rushed.

I quite like the genre, quite Shaun of Dead esq, but the story was a bit lacking for me.
We have no background or connection with willow, or why She's  there, or why there's zombies etc Like another script, it felt liked we missed the beginning.

A few fun lines, front door, back door etc, but they felt tossed in to give a bland situation some spice.

There were things I liked but it lacks a connection for me, but has potential to be something.

My grade....humm....C-


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit!  Another one that I'm out on before the end of Page 2.

This isn't horror in any way, as far as I'm concerned, and it doesn't even attempt to be.  It's not funny either, sorry to say.

Slugs are a real mess - lots of action taking place within the Slug that actually isn't.

Typos, really awkward writing, just not good in way.

Congrats on completing the challenge, but I don't think you met the parameters and with such a wide open challenge, I don't see how that could be.  
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Last Fountain
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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Yes! First sentence - zombies! Horror? Check. A lot of these are more mysterious but this is a fun action horror. It's not so scary, but more intense and exciting. Right off the bat I loved your female protagonist. She had a few good lines - "get a life". Haha. The style reminds me of BUFFY-era Whedon. Her name helped too.

I enjoyed the inventive use of magic with the knots. Built the tension nicely too. Once she gets to the house the horror traditions continue like the messed up family providing shelter. Great line about the front door type of girl. Perverse and crude, but that's black comedy for ya. Nice use of charm magic as well. A variety.

Spunky attitude. Intense. Action packed. Light on true scares.  

But I definitely enjoyed myself wih this witch vs zombie mashup. It's one of those fun horrors you'd watch with buddies and yell at the screen. As for comments on not enough development - shake it off - it's 10 pages filled with witchery, zombies, and unwanted gentleman callery.

Good job for sure....
            and no potions. Hahaha.


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stevemiles
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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Organic? -- Seems like an odd choice of word to describe a character.

For me some awkward descriptions made this difficult to follow and the action tended to dive around all over the place.  The first page alone left me scratching my head -- took me a while to understand Willow was driving.  The initial description should clarify this.

Story-wise it feels like the witch angle was shoe-horned into a zombie short with little attention to any background or development.  Overall I just don’t know what was happening or why.  Plenty of creativity on display but a kind of scattergun approach to story telling that doesn't give the story time to breathe.  Apologies, but this was not for me.


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SAC
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 7:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey,

Not a bad little tale you have here, but it just didn't do it for me. I did enjoy Willow's dialogue (to a certain extent). She sounded a bit aloof. And the knots in the yarn was clever. I really got good visuals here, but I think perhaps you used too much exposition.

Where you lost me is when Willow entered the house. I wasn't too sure where the story was going there, but when I did realize the zombies were already at the door and feasting.

Anyway, as with all, not bad for a rush job!

Good luck!

Steve


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know what to make of this one. I was down for a Witch vs. zombies, then that Willow! That lovely proptagonist opened her piehole. Every word this twerp spoke I wanted a zombie to eat her brains...whatever's left of them. Uly too.

I gave up around page six. The dialog was that bad to me.

You can call me Uly. Pronouce it. Say it aloud. I dare you.
That's supposed to be funny, I guess.

I'm sorry if I'm being a bit on the rough side. Some OWC aren't always going to be clean andneat. Even the regulars miss stuff now and then. I'm not perfect, not even in my own delusions of granduer.

But I didn't care much for this. Had potential.


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RadioShea89
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thought the visuals and action were at least a bit interesting at the beginning. Zombies and comedy are almost like bacon and eggs these days. But then the middle just seemed off and weird. The ending action sequence had me confused as to what exactly was going on. I didn't know why I should care about this character, so can't say I did.

Careful of typos. Pg. 3 bouse s/b blouse. Pg. 5 flannel is wrong. Pg. 7 beautiful is wrong, etc.

Finishing is to be commended, so well done there.


“Every piece of writing... starts from what I call a grit... a sight or sound, a sentence or happening that does not pass away... but quite inexplicably lodges in the mind.” ~ Rumer Godden
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Forgive
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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interesting mix - witches and zombies, I don't think I've come across that before.

Good on you for making the effort to get an entry in, and none of them are going to be perfect.

I wasn't too sure about the dialogue, to be honest, and some of the story felt a bit rushed. The story elements were there, and a fairly good idea backs it up. Maybe it needed a little more investment in the characters, and there's a couple of typo's here and there too.

Aside from that, not a bad effort.
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nawazm11
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 4:49am Report to Moderator
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"C’mon, c’mon, c’mon! C’MON! A pox
upon you, you dirty bucket of
bolts! START!" Love this line.

And it's followed by a very obvious spelling mistake...

"DADDY ZOMBIE
Bay-yees."  

"Uly slips again, his shoots acros beneath him, his hand rips
away magick banishing bag." What?

Strange script but it was refreshing in one way. Not very clear what goes on and why but I enjoyed it and got a few chuckles, could've been funnier though. Not a bad effort, haven't got a lot to say. This was a sound entry for the challenge

Grade: C
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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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Zombies and witches combined – this should be my kind of story but…

Some terrible execution and poor dialogue really lets it down.

Do these people even know about the zombies? Willow’s ringing the damn doorbell when a zombie horde is coming after her… Really! And Uly (great name) is making apple cider – although I love his taste, why in the hell is he making apple cider and offering Willow a cinnamon stick to stir it with. Looks like Rick and his party missed out when they found Hershel’s farm.

Why does Uly only have flannel shirts at this time of year? What time of year is it?

Do we need to know the whole inventory of the kitchen?

I’m sorry but this one was a big letdown for me because I was expecting it to be fun, but I had to keep rereading pages constantly because of the sloppy writing.

Try not to have characters talk to themselves for too long as it rarely reads well and keep an eye out for those pesky typo’s (zobie) because there was few around. And also try not to finish with Fade out on its lonesome on the final page which never looks good.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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nawazm11
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 1:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CoopBazinga

Do these people even know about the zombies? Willow’s ringing the damn doorbell when a zombie horde is coming after her… Really! And Uly (great name) is making apple cider – although I love his taste, why in the hell is he making apple cider and offering Willow a cinnamon stick to stir it with. Looks like Rick and his party missed out when they found Hershel’s farm.



Surprisingly, I actually loved this for some reason. I thought it was so outrageous and stupid that it became great. Glad you mentioned it though, gave me a good chuckle.

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ReneC
Posted: October 24th, 2013, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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I like the direction this was started in. The apology for running over "mister zombie" promised something special, but it didn't really turn out that way. Instead, it degenerated into gory slapstick, which would have been okay if it were written with a bit more care.

What starts off with competent writing becomes very hurried, full of spelling and grammar mistakes. I can only assume this was a last minute entry. The tension and pace are frustratingly slow at the start; what should have been fast action was bogged down by long and detailed descriptions inexplicably separated into multiple paragraphs. That part gets better later on, a case where rushing actually helped the writer.

Willow talks to herself too much, I'm not sure what this world looks like or the rules, why Uly wants babies, and I can't for the life of me figure out how she gets away because the writing got way too confusing at that point.

I like the vibe here, it has potential to be fun and entertaining, but it's chock full of mistakes and should be better than it turned out. Give it a careful rewrite, work on Willow's character and detail the world a bit more, and I think people will dig it.


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RJ
Posted: October 24th, 2013, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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I, too, like the whole 'Zombie vs Witch' thing, but found that Willow's comical lines in the beginning made this feel a little cheesy. I don't know what I was expecting, but not that.

As the story wenton though, I like this more and more. I liked the setup at Uly's house and how the Zombies almost got her. I liked the use of the pouch that Uly has and how that ties into it - and then he got his own back. So all in all, except for the comical side in the beginning (althougth I did like what she said when she was trying to start the car again) and a few little errors here and there, there was a lot to like about this in the end.

Good effort on this one.

Renee
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mmmarnie
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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3 pages of Willow talking to herself is a bit much.

Hmm. Can't say I was a fan of this story. The challenge was horror and this def was not a horror. I appreciated some of the "cheesy-ness" but I think you went a little over the top.


Congrats on completing something for this challenge.


boop
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