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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  What Comes Around - OWC
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  Author    What Comes Around - OWC  (currently 2264 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:35am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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What Comes Around by Twelve - Horror - A young woman fights back against the witch she's indebted to. (PG) - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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What comes around

Spoilers

Logline - like that, quite tidy, decent conflict

Six pages - yeah, right on, that helps

I keep seeing the wrong image when I read Thong !!

Finished

What was in the box! What was Celia wanting to do! Where did all those hands come from at the end? Did she eat the bacon! Questions, questions.

I liked the power imbalance, the anger, the conflict, the desire to get something back. But, there was too much for me that we didn't know. I couldn't really connect with the girl, I didn't know her, really.

Why was she covered in blood? Was she good or bad or somewhere in between, I didn't  feel I had enough to decide.

Needs a few tweaks for me, but the basis is there.

My grade c-/d+


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm...not sure what to say here...

The writing is pretty decent.  The dialogue is pretty good.  ANd it even packs a punch, but it doesn't mean anything, doesn't go anywhere,a dn leaves us asking all these questions that we'll never have answers to.

Maybe this was written late and the writer ran out of time?  Otherwise, why so short with so much left unexplained?

Interesting, and even likable, but in the end a dissappointment.

Good work, though.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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I think the writing was good here...few typos here and there. I liked the story...liked Lucy...liked that she helped her mother in the end...and it made up for whatever was in the box! I would've liked to see her struggle between the good/evil that she did in order to help her mother.

Good job for a week.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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Not too shabby.  What stood out to me was the descriptions, I enjoyed them.  Good writing to go along with it, a couple of errors, but nothing that can't be easily corrected.

Did Lucy's mom have cancer?  I'd imagine the many hands at the end could look scary on film.  A little unexpected scare.  I thought the children playing like nothing is unusual was a nice touch.

Good one,

Johnny
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stevemiles
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Short and to the point, though too undeveloped to get a decent feel for either story or characters.  Some nice ideas -- the hands pulling people away and Celia and the kids desperately trying to get into the car stood out.  

For this to work I think we needed an understanding of what it was Lucy was doing for Celia, the power one had over the other and a clearer idea of the stakes involved.  Though nicely written with it's moments, it's one of those that leaves more questions than answers.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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nawazm11
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 4:24am Report to Moderator
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"could easily be mistaken for a
vapid trophy wife if not for the wicked glint in her eye?" A glint in her eye would show nothing, I could see what you were going for but it doesn't work.

Thong? Like... A thong thong or am I being immature?   Just kidding, on with the script.

"Lucy punches Celia in the stomach" I'd just change it to face since stomach seems a little comical. Or maybe it's just me who can't imagine that.

Finished. The writing was fine but this really needed an extra page of exposition to find out what the hell happened. I didn't understand the setup and I didn't really understand the hands grabbing people. This was a good effort and a well rounded story but it needs more detail.

Grade: C/C+
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KevinLenihan
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 7:14am Report to Moderator
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Nothing wrong with the writing.

I assume the story was rushed. Not so much the writing, but the fact that the writer just didn't have time to formulate the ideas.

The first issue was I didn't understand if Lucy was helping Celia because she wanted something out of it(thus the deal) or because she was being forced. It's likely the former, but I don't think it was ever mentioned what she hoped to gain. That's kind of critical to the story.

And the ending just felt like the writer was out of time and had to throw something in there.

I have to say, in the past, and even this particular event, I've begun OWC's and then not submitted them because I couldn't think of a satisfying ending. Sometimes I even feel like I got off to a really good start, and I hate to abandon the project...but I do.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 4:17am Report to Moderator
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No comments read before.
Non-native spaker – take it or leave it.

What Comes around

Hello.

Your script reminds me to These tv Shows with good looking People hunting with Special witchpowers other ghosts...
Charmed etc. That's not my stuff. Defenitely.

You didn' wrote Horror. It was more Comedy or sth. like charmed etc,
No Problem. It seems to me you even haven't tried. So Horror mabe is not your stuff.

I was irritaded by all the doors.

Big Pro- Your script could be the one where's the most physical moving. Very fast. Moving is existentiel part in film.

Don't take it personal.  I don't like the Comedy witch concepts.
Many, many People does.



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EWall433
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Pg. 4 I’m a little unclear about where the numerous hands are coming from. I know it’s related to the jar, but it’s not quite meshing in my head for some reason.

I think introducing the mother in the beginning would’ve worked better. Give us more of a reason to root for Lucy up front. Just a quick peck on the cheek and, “I’ll be right back, mom”, could’ve worked.

I get the sense that this may have been a last minute entry. The writing was good and the story was interesting. But it felt like there was more story to tell, and at 6 pages you definitely had room to tell it. The good news is I wanted to know more about the ‘things’ Lucy had done, why Celia was using her, and most importantly, what the heck was up with all those hands!

So good work for one week. I’d be interested in reading a more fleshed out version. Congrats!
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James McClung
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Ah, something short(er). How refreshing.

So this one had my attention for a little while. You kick the story off nicely with Lucy and her box all covered in blood. I liked the mystery and the dialogue and the fact that you gave the reader something to go on but didn't dilly dally and kept the story going.

I'd hoped it'd all pay off in the end and while I liked the twist with the mother, it wasn't enough. I was left with many unanswered questions. The last scare with the hands is a cheap way to end things with so little to go on.

Seeing as this is six pages, it's especially perplexing. Indeed, I, like Jeff, am left wondering if the lack of closure wasn't a timing issue. You have four more pages to wrap things up in a more complete and thus satisfying fashion. If somehow the backstory is too vast or complicated to do so, it might not have been a very good one to begin with (for an OWC anyway).

The writing is relatively strong. Flows nicely anyway. Some of the descriptions are a tad longwinded but that's about it. I wouldn't particularly mind if you left them as is. Others might though.

The phrase "bloody and haunted" stood out to me though. Bloody, I get. Bloody and haunted, not so much. What does this look like?

That's about it. Nice setup but incomplete, I think, and thus disappointing.


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Forgive
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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Can't disagree entirely with the posters above, although I'm happy to go with stuff-unexplained as this gives the reader something to read for.

Have to agree that intro'ing the mother at the beginning could work.

Also, not knowing what's in the box or not knowing what's in the glass container is okay, but maybe not both? The 'what's in the box' question could have had a simple and witch-like answer.

The writing overall was good - very clean and quick, but as noted above, there were odd bits of over-writing popping up now and again. The story - I think you tried to keep it simple, and that was mostly worked, but maybe some clarity here and there (expansion) would have helped. Good job overall, with lots of positives to it.
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big lew
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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The writer can write, but maybe should have written more to answer some obvious questions.

What did Lucy do or not do that displeased Celia?  What's in the bloody box?  What's with the hands? What's the significance of the box on the pedestal that Lucy smashed?

I want Mama to live, but why must Lucy die?

Four more pages might have taken this to a much higher level...but thanks for the ride.


To any and all:
If you're interested and just for fun, here's a link to 9 Horror Films, each under 9 minutes.

http://theweek.com/article/ind.....amp;utm_medium=email
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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 24th, 2013, 1:46am Report to Moderator
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Another nicely written piece with good natural sounding dialogue. I was really into the story and then it suddenly ended and all I had was questions, questions and more questions.

I did like the reveal of Lucy's mother which at least gives us the motivation behind the character but other than that, nothing is really clear. What was in the box that Lucy originally handed Celia? What was in the jar? Why keep a jar that is so dangerous to their lives - at least label it or something.

Only coming in at 6 pages, there was a little room to further develop this to maybe answer some of those questions or maybe I'm just too curious for my own good and should accept this story the way it is.

I liked it but wouldn't have minded just a little more clarity to help me follow parts of the story.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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JosephLewis
Posted: October 25th, 2013, 4:00am Report to Moderator
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good script, nice writing.
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