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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Where The Wild Thyme Blows - OWC
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  Author    Where The Wild Thyme Blows - OWC  (currently 4219 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Where The Wild Thyme Blows by Some Muggle - Horror - A young boy gets more than he bargained for when he stumbles upon a buried treasure. (PG) - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Oh, I'm torn on this one. Very well written, I did love the feel and flow, but a few issues jumped out at me.

First off, not very horror. It's supernatural, I accept,  but more of a thriller than horror IMO.

Others things

Initially i was confused as to what period this was set it. It became clear this was present day but maybe a touch of clarity would have helped - young boy seeing miner in wool coat suggested a period piece and I didn't have anything which suggested a contrast - hope I didn't miss that all important clue
The story flow seemed a tad jolting. I can't quite put my finger on it but I found the read a little broken. I wasn't wholly sure where it was going, or why. Not sure how important the neighbours scene was, other than the bell tolls comment.
As to the core story, a boy finds locket and something happens - not wholly sure what but there is unrests, the bells toll. At the end he gives it back, the woman digs it back in, the end.  This leaves us with questions like why was this so easy to happen, after all all the boy did was wonder into an old abandoned stone cottage. Why was the miner angry when his wife visits? If this was a mining tragedy, why is he buried in the house, without a stone etc, why not buried as normal?

But look, I liked this and I applaud your writing, but the story wasn't quite there for me.

This is my first read and I'm going to have a stab at grading, which inevitably will be flawed, but on balance I would give this...humm...

C+/b-


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Last Fountain
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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I already love your descriptions. It really helps in the immersion. The details. The prose. Simple. Precise. Not flowery and overdone.  I could almost hear the musical score on the 1st page alone.

I think the horror genre works really well with imagery and atmosphere.  I think you've nailed these elements.  It ends up being more mysterious horror than gory or scary. I think these qualities could have been exploited. Maybe more ghostly imagery with the miners would achieve that. I also loved your dialogue. Sprinkled with culture.

Dark romance. Well paced. Beautifully written. Very visual. Atmospheric. But... Light on the horror.

Great entry. An early favorite.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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This was good... not great. The story was strong, but it seemed a little bit meandering (just a little. You probably could have trimmed a page of story). The writing is geared more towards people who like details in their writing. That's not me. I prefer barebones, myself. However, my personal preferences aren't something to knock you down over. That's a taste thing. It didn't have much horror as was stated above and it would be hard to say this took place around today, even this millennium. I'm not a stickler for rules, myself, but it's not really that hard to set something in current day. It's much more challenging to write for it in the past, which implies you meant it to feel this way. I think a stronger narrative is the big thing this script needs, but it was good stuff, overall.

B.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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I want to love it, probably because I was waiting for the horror to ramp up.  But hell, that scene with Caleb going round and round, with Marie doing her thing...great!  And the Miners poppin in too.

Yeah, this is one of those eerie dramas rather than horror, but your writing is outstanding.  You really lock in emphatic ends to these sentences keeping the read fresh and moving.  I can tell you have really put it in.   Great style on display here.

Good stuff & a pleasure to read,

Johnny
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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I want to like this as well, as the writing is decent and there aren't too many mistakes, but it's way too slow and there's really no horror here.

Kudos to the writer for actually writing a unique tale and a unique take on this OWC challenge.  But it's just so plodding and there's too much detail for so little payoff.

But, the good news is that this is easily one of the better entries, but saying that also shows how weak the field of competition really is - and I don't mean that as a slp in the face at all.

This is a good effort and a solid addition to this OWC.  Good job!
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Nomad
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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This was nice but a little too slow.  

The only thing that confused me was when you used the slug, "ABANDONED COTTAGES".  I had to re-read it to make sure it was more or less the same as "HILLSIDE".  It would have been better to introduce the abandoned cottages slug earlier on.

Some of the writing seemed awkward to me but I'm pretty sure it's just a difference in nationalities.

Jordan


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nawazm11
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 2:28am Report to Moderator
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Very similar title to another script posted here, in fact, it's the number of letters in the same place, with the same syllables!

Logline is cliche, doesn't do anything for me.

The spacing in your writing seems to be off by a very tiny amount. Or maybe it's all the white space that makes it look like that.

"He looks down to find a small, dull colored object
attached to a thin chain has fallen from the folds." Drags on for a little too long.

"She kneels, gathering handfuls of a small, lilac plant
(wild Thyme) which she stuffs inside the pouch." Why not just write it's thyme?

Up to page 7, I don't feel this is very modern at all, and nothing so far has really suggested it.

Page 8: "The letterbox rattles open. The locket drops to the floor.
A patter of FOOTSTEPS recede." Really struggling to understand this. Didn't Caleb have the locket? And then the footsteps recede? What footsteps? The writing is sparse and easy but because of that, your focus in the sentence shifts to the unimportant parts rather than the important ones. I had to go back and look at a few things that were referenced later on since I never caught them. Writing is kind of half and half at the moment, sometimes it's good, while other times it doesn't make much sense.

Well, I'm not really sure if I understood much. It all kind of got lost on itself. A few too many scene changes which made me struggle to understand everything going on. It seems like you did your research, which is great but some clarity would be very beneficial. I'm still not sure if I truly understood the ending. A few more edits would've been great since I can clearly see the writer put some effort into this.

Grade: C

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KevinLenihan
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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Very above average tale. Well written as far as OWC's go. Some mistakes that will be caught in rewrite.

Has a haunting vibe. Many simplyscripts members have a very distinct view of horror, and little room is left for stories that are just supernatural and haunting. That's unfortunate, because I think horror can be a pretty big box with room for all kinds of stuff in it. The Vincent Price movies and old Dracula mysteries of the 50s and 60s would not even be seen as horror today by many readers.

One problem with this story, and this has been a problem with pretty much every OWC I've read, is that we are not given much reason to care what happens to any of the characters. All that leaves is mystery and vibe, and in some of the other stories, maybe some cool images of gore.

I am not suggesting characters save cats. But there are ways to make us care what happens.

For example, what if at the beginning boys were selecting teams for soccer, and Caleb didn't get selected. Or maybe he was bullied or picked on. This might bond the audience to him, and then we care what happens. And it might play like this:

-- Caleb is picked on, heads off into the hills on his own. We feel bad for him.
-- Caleb finds the emerald: exciting! We feel happy for him.
-- Caleb encounters the ghost: mystery created
-- the old lady reaches out to Caleb: initially he responds to it. We warm to this because he has made a friend of sorts. Maybe she shows him something cool.
-- she tries to get him to give up the emerald. He refuses, this is his prized possession. As a result, the bond with his new friend is broken, so we feel bad.


And so on. The sooner you can bond the audience to the character the better, because then we care about everything that happens. And again, this doesn't mean the character has to be nice(saving cats). The character  could be the best at what he does(fighting monsters maybe), or really humorous. Anything that makes us care  about what happens. Let's put it this way: if we don't care what happens, why would we turn to the next page? Mystery might compel us, but it has to be one he-ll of a mystery to do that, and it's difficult to create that kind of mystery out of the gate.

Revision History (1 edits)
KevinLenihan  -  October 28th, 2013, 6:52pm
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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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Wasn't keen on the logline, just something about "more than he bargained for" which I find a little off-putting.

What makes this one cottage stand out? Is it because it has walls and a roof while the rest don't?

Is the cloth alive? It seems to be revealing itself.

The writing is good but also awkward on occasions, some missing words creeping in but this could be down to the deadline.

Nice opening, but I do hope there will be a witch in this tale and not just some creepy miner.

So I take it Caleb has caused the bells to ring somehow - where was this chapel? Was it with the cottages?

Should Marie be (O.S) when talking to Caleb at the park? It seemed like the shot was focused on Caleb on the swing.

Doesn’t Calen know he should respect his elders?

Could have maybe had an intercut scene here between the park and Marie’s house. In saying that, I think this was a good scene with the roundabout and I like how Marie scared the boy.  

Marie gives the cat a faint smile – how cute. A complaint about this story would be that it lacks any horror vibes (so far and IMO) other than one moment at the beginning. This could come across as a Roald Dahl novel which is quite adequate being that this is set in Wales, not to mention “The Witches”

Poor old Marie – up and down that hill all the time.

Why did Marie need a shovel? It didn’t sound necessary, considering she just threw loose dirt on top.

Is a bus shelter an “interior” location? Before it’s been an Exterior location – no biggie I guess.

Nice image with the roses at the end – good work.

Well, that was nice tale and well written. I felt it was let down for being almost too nice and this came across as a pleasant drama with some supernatural elements thrown in. I didn’t even think that a witch was necessary here and was only added to tie in with the challenge.

I did have questions: How come Caleb just suddenly stumble across these cottages? It sounded like they were well known. Why does the Miner seem angry with Marie at first? She’s doing what he wants and (SPOILER) was his wife or girlfriend? Why was the miner even at an old cottage? Didn’t he die in a pit tragedy?

These questions aside, I still have to admit to enjoying this one overall.

Good work and congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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Forgive
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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What I found most strange is the sometimes relentless negativity that is thrown at some of these scripts? Maybe it's just me and I'm getting this all wrong, but I was under the impression that these scripts are posted up here for reviews, not critiques?

On the script - I felt it was very well written. It didn't have a great deal of horror in it, but it made up for it in the way in which it told and depicted its story.

I like detail, and I liked the comparison of the roundabout and the cooking pot, both swirling round; I liked the feel that the pendulum gave - that was a nice touch. I liked the roses and their clue that there might me a romantic link in here. The bells tolling, announcing the bad news and so on

Okay - it was slow, and in places it felt a little too slow, but it was handled with care, and intended to be meaningful - something that's not always brought across in a short script.

One clear minor (excuse the pun ...) for me, was the lack of chewing gum when Caleb entered the cottage - clearly central to Marie identifying him later on, and I think it would have looked quite innocent - he could have spat it out even, indicating his disrespect, which he later displays full on toward Marie.

So it's not without flaws, but if you can't keep people happy with stuff like this, don't change your stuff, change your people.
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SAC
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey there,

This was really good!  Def one of the better entries I've read so far. Actions blocks were tight, descriptive and had a very natural feel to them. I got a good sense of the location I was in. Not overwritten. It was just good.

The only issue I has was that it wasnt scary enough. I think you could have resolved that in your opening, when Caleb comes across the ghost of the miner. That could have taken place at the end of the day, with darkness falling upon him. Something like that, perhaps, could have ratcheted up the tension, IMO.

Good ending too. Again, def one of the better ones.

Steve


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rendevous
Posted: October 25th, 2013, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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This is one of the best I've read so far. Some great descriptions, dialogue and well drawn characters. A nice turn of phrase here and there too. The writer also managed to depict Wales well.
I did like the story and the characters but I would have liked to care a bit more. A little bit more could have happened.
That said, it's a good piece.

R


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mmmarnie
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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I love your writing. Beautifully descriptive, maybe too much for a screenplay but a pleasure to read. Great visuals and your attention to small details help create atmosphere.

My fave part was Marie swirling the pot, and the kids swirling Caleb.

I have to admit, I got a little lost on the story itself. I know in the end what happened to Caleb and why but the parts with the shovel confused me.

It didn't hit "horror" for me but I still loved it. My fave so far. Again, love your writing style.


boop
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James McClung
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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Good one here. I had very few issues with it. I disagree that it wasn't horror but it is very subdued horror and there aren't exclamation points around what's supposed to be scary. That might be a drawback in a sense. People shouldn't really have to wonder what's scary and what's not. Still, it had a classic sensibility to it, almost throwback to old school horror literature.

I wondered about the modern angle once or twice. With the exception of the phone and the bus stop, this could easily have been a period piece. Nevertheless, I know these kinds of small villages exist. I remember watching Breaking The Waves and wondering if it wasn't a period piece until a helicopter showed up and I had it figured out.

I was confused occasionally. At first, I thought Caleb had stolen something dear to the miner. After his "chat" with Marie, I was surprised by the focus on her as opposed to Caleb confronting the miner again in some form. I briefly wondered why Marie wasn't minding her own business even. I mean, it'd be nice to teach Caleb a small lesson (I figured he'd return the locket after the scene on the roundabout) but that would've made for an overly simplistic moral parable, perhaps.

I was also confused as to why Marie had hidden something in the miner's house. I quickly figured out she probably had a history with the dude and that this was his ghost that had been walking around. Indeed, that comes to be the case. But you say he's in his 20s. Marie then tells Caleb he wasn't much older than he was (umm... no) then the picture shows him in his teens. A little bit of inconsistency here, I'd say.

Many of these things became clear at the end. I'm not griping per se but I think these are things a writer would want to know. Just walking you through my thought process, so to speak.

Anyway, decent effort, this one. Good job.


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