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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  The Rift - OWC
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  Author    The Rift - OWC  (currently 4595 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Rift by Twenty-Five - Horror - Hooky playing siblings seek help when they lose a friend in a monster inhabited woods, and end up ensnared in a witch's trap. (PG) - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I can tell alot of peeps are going to be cursing me this weekend, as this is the 6th script I've bailed on very early on.

I'm sorry, but I'm out after the first page.

Writing is so overblown and contains an insane amount of unfilmables and asides, which are a HUGE pet peeve of mine.

With all the prose, you'd think this would be super visual, but it's not at all.  I have absolutely no idea what these kids are doing or where they are. On the top of Page 2, you write, "She drops her sled by her feet.  Not happy." - HUH?  What sled?  Did I miss something? If these kids are sledding, you need to set the scene immediately, which you did not.

Congrats on completing a script for this OWC.
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KevinLenihan
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent craftsmanship. A good old fashioned fairy tale! Gets right into the story. Would work well in film.

Evokes images of that old German witch fairy tale, I forget the name...

Only criticism is that the developments are pretty easy to see coming.

Not sure about Sam taking the keys. Feels like the writer got in a pickle and that was the device used to get out of it.

But the tension starts early, builds, and doesn't let up.

The writing is effective all the way through.
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nawazm11
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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I really despise these types of character descriptions but I suppose it's a matter of taste in the end. You seem like a good writer so you probably know the ins and outs of it all in the end anyway. I probably have a clue who wrote this.

"Why do we have to do the Rift?" I keep reading this and I'm not any closer to understanding what it means. Is it a typo, or is just meant to sound like that?

"This monster better not mess with her!" Cute, but doesn't read well. I'd scrap it.

Mmm, page 4, kind of reminds me of that children's tale with those starving(?) kids that find a seemingly nice candy witch's house in the forest. Hopefully the story isn't as simple as that.

I'm being picky but AARGH! seems more like an adult scream.

Well, the ending was obvious but you knew that (kind of a cheat really). I could see what you were going for but I hate to say it, any decent writer could've written this. It's the same story again and again. But there's literally nothing different about it, and I was really hoping there was. You may have changed(?) the ending and set it in modern times but it just really lacked. Maybe I missed something but the script doesn't work for me, although it's solid, mostly because of what it was based on.

Grade: C-


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khamanna
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 2:38am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS:
I like the spin you put on the old tale - Sam and Brad's affection but I'd want more of it. In fact I'd want much more - otherwise it's the same old tale in the moderns setting and I'd think you'd want to differentiate yours from that one.
Although the dialog was fun to read and the whole thing flowed very smoothly.
Your characters are fresh and I could feel that they are modern kids - which is pretty hard to do, I'd say and you managed beautifully IMHO. I really liked Willie's last line "Sam was".
But I'd appreciate it much more if there was more of Brad and Sam together.
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SilvaSly104
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting read. Predictable, but interesting nonetheless. You seem to have the makings of a short story writer, as your descriptions are insanely detailed to the tiniest bit. Nothing wrong with that, but be careful not to overwrite your descriptions, as some readers can be easily put off by that.

As I said, it was a predictable read. Great approach you took, but I do agree with some of the comments above...I sure was hoping you would have taken the story in a different route than what is familiar to many who read such fairy tales. Dialogue did flow smoothly, so kudos on that.
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stevie
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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This was a nice little quaint read, a modern spin on the hansel and gretel.

I liked the descriptions, didn't feel too prosy. It had a good flow.

So yeah, good effort and it was cool!



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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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It was fine. I'm not a fan of descriptions where the writer is speaking directly to me, but you can't take away points for someone's writing style. This was very... predictable, though, as you're surely aware. The dialogue (which is really your only selling point) was faux-clever and didn't do much for me. A highly average story which deserves a highly average score.

C.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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The rift

Wasn't there a witch film with a similar name? Doesn't matter just reminds me that's all.

Logline - bit heavy but we get the picture and I can't lecture anybody about loglines....anybody

Dun dun darr - a big RIFT title. I know a writer who does things like that, I wonder, mind you I thought she's written a handful of the scripts I've read so far
Oh, and she likes bold slugs as well!
I got a little confused about the woods and the hills etc
The cabin in the woods felt a bit so so but I did like the witch, kind of reminded me of the witch from the film brave.

The twist in the SUV did work but I don't think you should have said it was coming

Nothing radical but ok

Grade c


My scripts  HERE

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Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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stevemiles
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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‘Are we goin’ the right way?’ -- wouldn’t they have followed the sled’s trail in?  Maybe that would have been too easy...

Storywise this started out well and I thought you did a good job with Sam’s character.  The way she looked out for the others; wanting to leave yet staying on account of her young crush -- it’s a nice little bit of character work and I actually started to care...

For me it felt like the tension and mystery started to drift about halfway through, almost as if the writer felt the limit approaching and wasn’t sure how to keep things rolling.  I'll admit to feeling a little let down with the ending.  Nothing groundbreaking, but it had potential.  Just left me, well, disappointed I guess.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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James McClung
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm... Well, I liked it. Well crafted, straightforward take on a classic story. Very safe. Perhaps too safe? References to pop tarts and polyunsaturated fat and phrases like "dude" and "shotgun" are about as far outside the lines as this thing colors. But it worked for me.

The writing was decent overall. The character descriptions were obnoxious. Similar descriptions appear in the action. There's also a few orphans that need to be taken care of. Other than that, pretty breezy.

I will say though that Andromeda's (nice name BTW) age goes outside the challenge, as far as I'm concerned anyway. Not a huge deal. But it falls short in the context of the OWC.

Anyway, that's about it. Good job.


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jayrex
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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It's not bad.  It grew on me the more I read it.  It was fine story-wise.  I liked the witches name.  I'm curious about the connection between Brad and the witch.  Is the witch his mother?  Since there was cartoons on in the cabin?  It was an easy read too.

All the best,


Javier


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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I don't mind the descriptions as much because it can get a read going.  I always think a good rule is to only do it when you have no other option to explain it.  I feel like there were more options, but that's just me.

I enjoyed the story, it picked up for me in the second half and although the twist was more than predicable, I appreciate the fact that you alluded to us about it before it was revealed.  That part of it is a more technique IMO, because it gives a distinct visual and tone to what follows it.

Good job!

Johnny
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


The Rift

Hello.

I've seen modern Hansel and Gretel in Alaska. I saw the ending coming, but it was OK.

Many illogical things like with the keys or the fact that such adorable brave kids would skip school (especially concerning to their age. etc… But I think you know them now, they are obviously.

In many scripts I read there is so much irony inside. I haven't known before, that horror has such a strong connection to that (proven by what I read in OWC until yet).

You did a good job with the kids. They are adorable.

I don't like the witch. She turns in a point and then speaks in another way. A kind of cool-smart-speaking. You are not the only author who does that here.

At this witch theme anybody seems to think: It's a witch, a fabulous creature, so I can let her/him speak like I want to.  Unhappily many choose to let them speak, as, I guess, maybe themselves.
It's a bad decision. Those serene minded cool witches are everywhere in the OWC. This is the thing when it gets too ironic for me.
Half-solid. much to work



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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 24th, 2013, 1:18am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one but wasn't overwhelmed with it. The characters were good, the dialogue was good and it was written by a confident hand. A solid piece of writing for a weeks work.

I guess my complaint would be that it was so simple and predictable - basically Hansel & Gretel remodeled and the ending was just so unsatisfying, but I think this could be down to the page count. I would have love to have seen some twist - how about that said monster is true and comes in and attacks the witch and this is what sets the children free... I don't know but it definitely needs to something to differentiate it from that famous old wise tale.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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