SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 6:06am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Immersion - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Immersion - OWC  (currently 2831 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:44am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
Immersion by Three Point One Four - Horror - Looking to escape her troubled home life, Lily seeks protection from a dark source. ( R ) - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I'm sorry, but I'm stopping after 3 pages.

This isn't going anywhere and it's very awkwardly written.  So many fragments that don't read right, and numerous examples terrible sentence structure and run-ons.

Lily is intro'd with blond hair and fair featured, then at the bottom of the page, she's described again, completely different, with jet black hair and eyebrow piercings.  Did I miss something?

There's just no story forming and I'm not going to waste anymore time here.

Congrats on completing an OWC.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 22
nawazm11
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
945
Posts Per Day
0.21
First one up on the list.

As pure as the driven snow? I'm not exactly sure what this means.

"-- 25 going on 10" Does this mean she looks as if she's 10? Is that even possible for a 25 year old? Not a good start, I'm afraid.

I can already see myself mixing up Lily and Mary.

"You're reading dark things." Dialogue was going fine until this, this does not read well at all.

The usernames on the laptop are cute more than anything, which really breaks up the tone of the story.

This was fine, a poor start but it does pick up later on. I didn't like the dark humour element, unless that wasn't on purpose? Ending doesn't make much sense, what does she achieve from going with the demon? Did I miss some subtext? Yeah, her life is shitty but I'm not sure if going to hell(?) is any better. There was a nice feel to this script though and I can tell you had some fun writing it.

Writing does need some work though. Definitely need more consistency.

Grade: C
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 22
mmmarnie
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 10:34am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
1085
Posts Per Day
0.22
Witching through the internet.  Definitely modern!

The scene with Lily and Irwin grabbed my interest. At first I thought he was a creeper and the reason she was into this stuff. Like maybe he was a pedophile. When she conjured up the demon, for me it happened to easily.

I didn't like Lily too much. Maybe if there was more abuse it wouldn't have bothered me that she killed so many people. But Irwin and her sister, they didn't really deserve it and Janis, she was a jerk but not sure it was murder worthy. And Pastor Quinn? I got a vague idea there was an issue, but wasn't sure. He was blown to bits. If he did something bad to her, fine. But if she just goes on some bratty killing rampage, then it's just senseless killing. Give us a reason to be behind her.


boop
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 22
KevinLenihan
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 10:44am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
528
Posts Per Day
0.13
The writing is very good here, generally. This is a writer who knows how to wield a sentence and is pretty comfortable with dialogue. Strictly on the writing, this will probably be top ten.

Regarding the story, well, there are some strengths. I could picture this writer working on shows like Charmed.

But this is actually way, way over the top for me. Something that will be common in witch OWCs, to be sure.

We have a story about a teen dabbling in magic, and out of that we get an old(Celtic?) monster/god swallowing up her boyfriend in his room, rising out of a pool and turning the preacher and others into bone and mush.

The characters don't feel real...BUT...my sense is this writer definitely has the ability to make real characters. So as an exercise, this is not at all a wasted effort.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 22
Last Fountain
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Ottawa
Posts
195
Posts Per Day
0.05
SPOILERS

I like how this started with a pastor and a Christian baptism and parallels at the end. It harkens to history and the turn of paganism into Christianity. There are a few more historical references so I assume the plan was to show how pagan/witchcraft was the common religion before other's adopted same ideas.

The older sister had some good dialogue. I like the Goth aspects as this fills modern witch guideline. This entry does this best so far with that - the internet pressence and computer witchcraft. I wish they had better usernames though.

Another entry with incantations and rhymes. The rhyming could have been better, maybe go Shakespearean? But I liked that we get subtitled demon language. Would be cool to hear. I love that we GET a demon. A historical one. And we get to see it do damage. I like that it is animal-like too. I like the carpet scare. And the found footage style webcam attack. Awesome modernized witchcraft with screen capture. Love it. Only gripe is uneven ending. Love blood baptism,  but unclear on motive to kill others beside pastor.

You definitely did research. I like all the historical roots. It adds to the myth feel. Even the character names hint at the larger picture, I think. Lily - Lillith. Janis - Janicot. Cernnunos.

Amongst early favs. Actual horror. Modern spells. Modern witch. Historical roots. Symbolism.


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

BORED? Check out my movie news for movie nerds BLOG.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 22
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7960
Posts Per Day
1.36
I liked this one. Writing was good and easy to understand. I liked the story which was also told in an easy way to follow. It was definitely horror. I liked the video chat part. I have no suggestions to improve this script. It works as is and I like it.

My only complaint would be Mary's description. What does 25 going on 10 mean? Is she mentally disabled? Acts like a 10 year old? Immature? Naive? What? I guess, I'll have to wait and see her actions to find out. I hate descriptions like that. Especially when it turns out, it doesn't fit the character at all.

Other than that, all I have to say is that it's definitely one of my favorites so far.

Great job!!!  



Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 22
kev
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Ontario
Posts
383
Posts Per Day
0.05
This was well-written and it read easily. I liked the character descriptions though I agree with the above about Mary. That description was a little confusing and not really necessary.

I thought the script was really creepy and the blood-red pool was a great visual, I really like how this wrapped up. Pretty creepy stuff. I think you hit all of the requirements here, good read!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 22
Pale Yellow
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.41
I liked this. I like the way it started and ended...There were typos but that's to be expected in an OWC. I did care about Lily. Decent story imo.

Good job.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 22
CrusaderVoice
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
159
Posts Per Day
0.04
I also think this is a strong effort.

The references to lore as 'Fountain mentioned were also a plus for me.

Not my tastes and too dark for me - but I appreciate what was done here. Why did the Pastor go? Why not? He's the mortal enemy of what got conjured up. And the others? Maybe there's collatoral damage in that kind of warfare also. That's harsh but the premise worked for me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 22
Neighbour
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
New


Seb Archer

Location
The Wasteland
Posts
109
Posts Per Day
0.03
The title sounded interesting, so here I am.

I like the opening action paragraph. I don't know why, but it catches my attention. The first line from the pastor...not so much. This could very well be an actual line from the bible, I don't know, but it was super awkward for me to read, and I had to reread it a few times.

So far the writing in the action paragraphs is a bit awkward at some points.

How did Lily's hair turn black all of the sudden? Is this a flashback? If so, that should be indicated.

This is actually getting better as it goes on. You're managing to fit a lot of story into a short amount of space. It's impressive.

Finished and I actually thought that was pretty good. Like I said, it seemed like a lot happened in such a short amount of pages. Also this seems like a cross between Paranormal Activity/Sinister in some parts and I could definitely see this as a feature.

I thought this was a good effort. Just listen to others and try and refine it as much as possible.


A bad writer, trying to become decent...

Thank you for all who put up with my work and try and help me improve.

Practice will hopefully pay off for my writing.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 22
CrusaderVoice
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
159
Posts Per Day
0.04
First line from the pastor IS a direct quote from the Bible: Romans 6:4.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 22
SAC
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hey,

This was a pretty decent story. The characters were set up well without being over done, and your dialogue read very well, I thought. I wanted to keep reading. That was good.

There's really not much bad to say here. I guess I'm big on suspense, as I think it's a key element of horror. There wasnt much save for the scene when the beast appeared and killed Irwin. I guess her spell, in the end, didnt really take, huh?

Overall, a decent effort. Congrats on entering!

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 22
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
I'll keep his short as I lost my notes and twice failed to up load my comments. It's now from memory which is not a good idea.

Nice foreshadowing with the wine on the dress.

I liked the teen anger, the goth and the drift to the cult but wasn't persuaded by what she did next.

The pastor and the mother could do with a little more, is there a back story. Is that the reason?

The man on the computer seemed a bit light weight but I like how you brought the internet into this.

The scene at the end with the pool reminded me if the film, Let the right one in.

I suppose I needed a bit more why.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 22
stevemiles
Posted: October 24th, 2013, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
The writing at the start of this was a little awkward in places, (happy to elaborate if you like) but it seemed to find its flow as it went.  The lack of a flashback indicating the time jump didn’t help and it took me a second read to connect it all.

Story held my attention and overall I was pleasantly surprised with the ending.  Thought it was handled well by concentrating on Lily and not the carnage being wrought around her.  There’s also something surreal in the final image of Cernunnos and Lily disappearing into the pool together.

What’s missing for me were Lily’s motives for all this.  The conflict between Lily and her family (and their beliefs) didn’t seem established enough to warrant her actions.  Hard to get a feeling of her 'troubled' home life when everyone around her seemed genuinely concerned for her well-being -- though perhaps I’m missing the point of the horror here...  But then, what’s in it for her?  Give us a sense of her reasoning, however twisted it may be.

  


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 22
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2013 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006