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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Harm None Do As Ye Will - OWC
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  Author    Harm None Do As Ye Will - OWC  (currently 2700 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Harm None Do As Ye Will by Twenty-Eight - Horror - Even though opposites attract, it doesn't always mean they can live in peace and harmony.  (PG) - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Good atmosphere set up early on, and the intent - difference between the two characters is dealt with right off the bat.

I liked the comparisons between the two groups- both chanting etc priest/priestess sermons, drawing in similarities between them - stuff like that works and maybe even highlight that further by having the church congregation doing their happy-clappy bit?

It is short, and there was probably room for a little more development is there.

I did wonder if it would have been more effective if Iris had stayed inside the church?

Good piece of work though for 5 pages. Good on you.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you whoever you are, as this is very well written...for a change.

IMO, it's not horror, though, nor does it even meet the 6 page minimum, so that's 2 strikes in the 3 parameters of the challenge.

But, I do like what I see here for the most part.  Writing's good, characters are well developed, and dialogue sounds good.  I even see some attention to detail and research.

Now, why didn't you just extend this to the 6th page?  I don't get it unless this was a last minute entry, but the writing seems too tight for that to be the case.

All i all, a very good effort, but you missed the challenge requirements, sorry to say.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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KUDOS for just five pages....I've only read six shorts so far and I'm getting T I R E D!! So even if as Jeff mentioned it did not meet the challenge...it was a breath of fresh air to me.

Strong writing. I liked the characters...loved the parallels like the chanting and the 'my people' references. Overall...really enjoyed this.
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crookedowl
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Last one for today...

Like the others I was relieved when I saw the length... and that it is written well.

But in a way, I think this would have worked better if there was a little bit more buildup to the finale. It was a little too sudden, for my taste.

Anyway, I enjoyed this one. The writing and story are really tight for a week's effort. Good job.

Will
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KevinLenihan
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Very well done! A smooth ride all the way to the end. No real hiccups in the writing.

The ending was a master stroke. The tension built, not because we wanted to see her end up with Paul...and not because we wanted to save the parishioners...but rather because we didn't want to think of Iris killing all these people.

In most writers hands, the judgmental religious nuts would die in the flames. But the twist here is that they don't...which is very deftly done. My fave so far.
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SilvaSly104
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Very well done. I had already predicted the ending, but I still read through and enjoyed it thoroughly. Not bad for a short script. Great work with the descriptions as well. Dialogue flowed through very well. Good stuff
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nawazm11
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 2:39am Report to Moderator
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Well, the picture on the title page basically reveals who wrote this. Anyway, onto to the script.

The first sentence reads poorly, even if the verb followed the statement. Not a good way to start the script.

The writing had a few stumbles on the first page, but besides that, it was pretty good. I was really enjoying the script but the ending is a little bit of a let down. Like a few other entries, the story isn't rounded and the audience could care less than they didn't accept her into the group, or at least Paul didn't. There needs to be a real resolution and a real kind of achievement. Something that shows some kind of solid change rather "Girl loves someone, this happens, they leave". Does that make sense? Looking over the comments, I seem to be the only one with that opinion though.

This had a lot of potential but requires some extension.

Grade: C
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 2:54am Report to Moderator
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Harm none....

Logline - like that, it doesn't say much about what, where etc but it's provocative

Six pages - love that length, and I promise not to steal it. I like the cover by the way.

Hecate - twice I've seen this name, must be a real one I suppose in that world
Trance like
Bit of a tonal difference with speaking to the dead and a flirty girl in the same scene

Finished

Ok, simple. Her world, his world.

Why did the witch want to speak to the dead? Is that normal? it didn't lead anywhere
I couldn't buy into the church congregation doing that over a pentacle. I can understand one side taking offence at the other but I this didn't work for me.
I didn't really feel why Paul wouldn't back her, especially after his comments about turning up in rags. If he was embedded deep in this community, we didn't see it and that is probably core to pulling this off. Even the addition of his family, accepting the girl into the church etc would have added .
The letting them go at the end was good

Overall simple and focused and with potential.

The idea of clashing worlds is sound, but as written this didn't quite come off for me.

Grade c/c+


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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Ryan1
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 4:12am Report to Moderator
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This is one of several scripts that displays a case of Carrie-itis.  I've noticed quite a lot of buildings going up in flames and/or hands shooting up from the ground.  But, I digress.  The writing was clean, simple and to the point.  My problem with the script came at the chapel scene.  Exactly what denomination was this?  Some Children of the Corn offshoot?  I simply didn't believe the reaction of the churchgoers as they mobbed this girl.  Speaking in tongues?  Really?    

Some of that dialogue was eye-rolling.  And when Paul says "Harm none do as ye will!! Remember!? You told me that!  Iris!!! P L E A S E!!!"  I know I wasn't supposed to chuckle there, but I must confess I did.  

I liked the concept of this more than the execution, but I do appreciate the brevity.
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jayrex
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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It's ok.

As for a modern setting, fair enough.  As for the story, this is basically the same story done over and over again.  This was like done hundreds of years ago.  It's as if times haven't changed.  Shame there wasn't a twist on this theme.  Also, I prefer any stories that touch on religion to never be serious.  Not for me.

The one good thing, the title page, really liked that.

All the best,


Javier


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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 1:39am Report to Moderator
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For starters, I loved the page length which helped me breeze through this one, and of course because it's well written so well done.

I liked the contrasts in the couple's faith and think this was a good premise to choose for the challenge - probably could have done with a few extra pages (can't believe I'm saying that! ) just to ramp home the differences. I do think that the reaction of the congregation was a little over the top and I would have like to have seen Paul a little more conflicted about his stance, he seems to choose his side quite easily - I think the situation should have weighed on him more.

But otherwise, a solid entry.

Good work and congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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EWall433
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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I like this a lot. It’s a fairly simply plot, but everything was well-drawn and it was a breeze to read. I liked these two kids and was rooting for them. I felt bad when Iris was humiliated and disappointed in Paul for not sticking up for her. And although the ending was bittersweet, I was glad Iris didn’t burn it all to the ground. I was basically everywhere the writer wanted me to be.

Now was this horror? Eh…

But it was good. Real damn good. Thank you!
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irish eyes
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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A great little piece for 5 pages.

The difference in beliefs was a nice little set up although I thought Paul would have defended her after his God is just happy you showed up speech.

I was hoping the church would burn to the ground just to get the horror effect otherwise there was none

I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this and as usual they didn't disappoint the reading was a breeze

Good job

Mark



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James McClung
Posted: October 23rd, 2013, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm. Well, I liked the setup and the writing overall. I suppose it all fits together well too. Still, it didn't work for me as much as I think it should have. For a supposed horror, it read a little too sweet and perfect. I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

I did like the concept of Pagan and Christian in a relationship together. It's quite great, actually. There's a lot of different directions you could go with it and emotionally, it has resonance. Still, perhaps a little too nice and fluffy in its execution.

The reaction of the preacher and parishioners irked me a little bit. I mean, it was crazy over the top and sort of forced. I wish it could've been toned down some or come out at another time in a different way. Perhaps after the sermon is over and some of the congregation are sticking around to chitchat. If Paul were to introduce Iris to the preacher in a more private conversation, for example. One could certainly build off that.

Overall though, I think it does what it set out to do and it's over in a mere (and most refreshing) five pages. Not bad, I suppose. Still too cute for a so-called horror script though.


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