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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Blind Casting - OWC
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  Author    Blind Casting - OWC  (currently 5824 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blind Casting by A Green Wort - Horror - Beware the words and their portent or lose your soul without repent, for caution and woe wait within for those with blackness born of sin. (reader cautioned) - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Pretty well written.  The talent on display here is obvious.

The writer is either well versed in witchcraft or did a shitload of research.  Either way, this reads well and comes off authentic and very unique.

Writing-wise, it's good, but there are so many orphans hanging out by themselves.  A little overwritten in terms of detail in places, but all in all, very well done for a week's time.

The story is pretty cool and I like how you structured this, as well.  You didn't give everything away right out of the gate, and because of that, each reveal made the read stronger and stronger.

Dialogue was a highlight and the rhyming chants/spells were very well conceived.

Characters were also well drawn and each seemed real and even unique.  Molly was cool peeps, whether she's good or evil, and that's tough to pull off.

This will likely be a contender.

Great job all the way around!
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crookedowl
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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This was good. Well-written, good dialogue... there's really nothing to complain about. Impressive for something done in a week.

Good job completing the OWC.

Will
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Great writing this one. I love the title and the logline has that poetic artsy feel that I love. The whole script had it also ....I like.

Loved the beetles creepy as hell.

I think the spells got old after a while losing the charm but overall I liked this one. I think you could've ended it after Molly shot Penny in the head...I loved her line afterwards 'fucking amateurs' chuckled.

Good job!
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Last Fountain
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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A well- paced quick read, definitely fulfilling all requirements. Great specific intro for each character. And was that a gay warlock? One of many firsts in this entry. The 1st I've read that included incantations,  even going so far as to have rhymes. Another first. The first to incorporate modern technology (loosely) with phone timers. The 1st to be super violent with the kills. I really liked how this filled every requirment of the challenge.

The powers were inventive. No potions hahaha. Beetles erupting from a body. The mirror attack! Crotch time massacre!  You made me squirm a few times. Sounds like horror to me, eh. I also really liked the bullet scene and "amateur".

This entry reminded me of CARRIE. The old one. So i mean that in a good way. On the most part the spells were good, I mean the wording, but could have been stronger. What's important is it gives the right mood, setting the atmosphere and recalling ancient myths. But some rhymes were better than others. To be fair - as this is an otherwise glowing review.

The most violent and inventive entry I've read yet. Checks all the boxes.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 12:07am Report to Moderator
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This kept my attention throughout.  I laughed when Molly smiled with missing teeth, and the scene right after that.  In fact, I thought the story unraveled very well from the start.

The dialogue works well and gives these witches a fun, creative vibe.  I guess the way you told the story makes it really good, I can see it maybe come across cliché in another situation.

Good work, like it.

Johnny

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oJOHNNYoNUTSo  -  October 20th, 2013, 12:26am
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NickSedario
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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Very well written, but it seems like it lacked explanation as to why Molly was such a badass compared to the other witches.  And I agree with Johnny that it came off as kind of cliche to a certain degree.  Needs a better twist, IMO.   But good job for what it is.  Definitely met the challenge.

Also, needs a real logline.  And what's up with "reader cautioned?"   That's cheesy.

Edit: Actually I'm seeing reader cautioned on quite a few scripts.  Must be a new thing.

Revision History (1 edits)
oJOHNNYoNUTSo  -  October 20th, 2013, 6:21am
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Forgive
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry - thought I missed something until Silverback's post - what is the motivation to attack Molly? Just doesn't seem to be there. But it's not like Molly's bothered about that - she just goes back at 'em and kills them off. Sorry, but the story fails from the off for me, and there's no point in having good writing if it's not about anything. Not my cup of tea, that's all.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive
Sorry - thought I missed something until Silverback's post - what is the motivation to attack Molly? Just doesn't seem to be there. But it's not like Molly's bothered about that - she just goes back at 'em and kills them off. Sorry, but the story fails from the off for me, and there's no point in having good writing if it's not about anything. Not my cup of tea, that's all.


Really, Simon?  Maybe you didn't read closely enough or maybe the writer chose to leave some things ambiguous.

Shocked at the lack of love for this one.  It rocks and the writer obviously did a kickass job and spent alot of time coming up with this.

And...no...this isn't mine and I have no clue who wrote it, but it deserves attention, if nothing else.

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stevie
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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I honestly couldn't get into this one.

The start was good but when they were eating pizza and all this weird shit began, I had NFBI what the story was leading to.

Actual writing and formatting was pretty good, and the invocations were authentic. But it submerged into a quagmire for me.



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nawazm11
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 1:10am Report to Moderator
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That logline makes no sense and tells nothing about the story.

"He screams in agony, screams that go on and on." Reads very poorly.

Dual dialogue might get a few eyebrow scrunches.

There was definitely something I missed since I still have no clue who Molly was meant to be? This needs extension, The Order stuff is interesting but it doesn't really reach its full potential since the reader barely knows what the characters are talking about. Writing had a few hiccups but besides that, it was fine. This had a nice movie feel to it but I would've preferred a little more expansion on the story. It's hard to care for Molly since we discover this was just the characters' jobs, and from what I understood, they were unaware. So the killing just doesn't resonate with the audience, or maybe not as much as it should since Molly is introduced almost like she's some kind of bimbo. It's not a bad script, some memorable characters, working dialogue, a good effort for a week's worth.

Grade: C+/B-
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James McClung
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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A solid effort. Very textured and detail-oriented. I dug it. The juxtaposition between the witchcraft elements and the more mundane activities of the characters' everyday lives was a nice touch. The juxtaposition of intricate, calculated rituals and significant objects and someone bursting into flames at someone else's whim is a little iffy but I went with it. The sing-songy spells were a little corny but I went with them as well.

Again. Texture. Good stuff.

The writing was solid. Very little to complaint about... but indeed, there's some to complain about. Lots of orphans. They gots to go. Commas used as periods. Split dialogue is annoying as always. But it won't take much to clean up.

I think if there's any issues to work on, it'd be the feel that this is part of something bigger and thus not self-contained. A lot of people have mentioned the lack of a motive and lack of explanation about who Molly is. This would be a contributor to that. Not knowing who the Order is would be another. I didn't mind but others might (and do already).

That and the title's not great. It doesn't catch my interest at all and I don't understand what it refers to. I clicked it because it was on the portal and Jeff liked it.

Other than that, I'd be nitpicking. I suppose I could rag on it for being somewhat cliche or not so much scary as in-your-face. Honestly, I think if filmed, this could easily end up as something I really wouldn't like with hot young TV stars and trendy, MTV-style filmmaking with no atmosphere. But on the other hand, it could end up as something else. On paper, it reads more or less effective and hits the marks it set out to hit.

Loved the beetles too. Sick shit.

If it weren't for the other reviews, I'd say this one'd end up being a favorite. I suppose not just yet. I think it's a strong candidate though. We shall see...


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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 8:44am Report to Moderator
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No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.

Blind casting

Hello

First time I got problems to get through. Not because I don't wanted to. The combination of different theme-worlds and lots of character made it hard, without review again and again. Plus -They are also talking, interacting, right?

I dislike  that it starts straight with several shots in a ritual world. Why that? It'2013 here, I' m sitting in front of my laptop watching your film. Or is it usual today, am we living in a ritual witch world? You have to give me one smell first, a point of identification. It is to wild. And that moves on.

It's also haloween if I undersood right, a dream is happening, a homosexual couple...

I don't judge this script, because there is something extraordinary that you took pictures so far away from each other. You wanted to much. To want more is a friend of success. So check your pictures and bundle some energy from what you have started here.





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Nomad
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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This is well written for the most part, but there isn't much of a story here.  

It ends just when it's getting good and there's no closure.  I want to know what happens next, but as it's written, it leaves me hanging.


Quoted Text
Bryan stands in the center, soaking wet. The yellowish
fluid drips onto the carpet, staining it.


It should be "A yellowish fluid drips...".  
When you say "The yellowish fluid drips...", I feel like I missed the introduction of the fluid before.  I had to go back and re-read it to make sure.

"DISSOLVE TO:" isn't necessary.  It's not wrong but it doesn't add anything to the script and it takes up valuable lines.  There are a couple other lines you could cut out too.


Quoted Text
HELEN
That was fast. I told you it pays
to tip well.


This dialogue is out of place.  Will just saw his boyfriend burst into flames, the rest of them are worried about being killed, they feel like they were set up by The Order, yet Helen feels like this is the right time to comment on proper tipping etiquette?

This is the second script where a gun is used to kill a witch/warlock.  Interesting.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
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THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Nomad  -  October 22nd, 2013, 11:04am
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KevinLenihan
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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I read this carefully. Slowly. Trying to make sure I didn't miss anything. The reason was because it was obvious from the first words that a veteran writer, a very competent and gifted writer, had crafted this work. The skill with the early dialogue not only showed talent, but that the writer had put some quality time into this.

So it pains me to say the story fell completely flat. I want to do my best to relate why, because this is clearly a very talented writer.

There is absolutely no story here. There is plot, there is some potentially interesting world building with the witch order. But there are no memorable images or ideas or feelings. No lasting impressions.

There are a lot of characters, but we don't get a dimensional sense of any of them, and there is certainly not even close to one that we care what happens to.

There is no mystery we need to see solved...no mystery box we want to see inside of.

A writer needs to ask these questions when constructing a story, needs to ask them at the end of every page: how can I hold the audience? How can I keep them from changing the channel?

Yes, we want to put conflict in scenes. But conflict without caring is empty, powerless. If we are not interested in the characters, or care about them, then we don't care what conflict they are in.

The witch assassins were hired by the coven to kill Molly. Do we care about Molly? No attempt is made to make us care about her. We don't know anything about her at all. She petted the cat, which might have been the writer playing with us a bit, but whatever the case it does not bond us to her the least bit.

And why would we care about the assassins hired to kill Molly? Is there anything about them that we would want to see them to prevail, or to suffer justice at Molly's hands?

If we want to take the approach that caring about characters in shorts is not important, ok...maybe other things can be achieved, such as a really clever twist, or some kind of intellectual stimulation, or an unforgettable image. I don't see any of that here.

The writer is for sure a talented SOB! So hopefully next time he/she can dig deeper and realize the potential in their talent by giving us something that either moves us or leaves a lasting impression.

P.S. I did like the pulling of the gun at the end. When spells fail, resort to lead!
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