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I really liked this story. The pace was brisk and the writing was top notch.
One thing that could be tweaked is the "beats" and the "cont'd's" in some of your passages. They aren't really necessary but i'm really just knit-picking.
I think that the flashback with the monk could have been a bit longer. Maybe a visual representation of God's curse on Moric like the blade glowing or something. Just a suggestion.
SPOILER ALERT
Also, if Moric's head is lowered and Nevin slits his throat, how would blood be spraying across Moric's back? Maybe I'm missing something.
This was well done. Good writing, good dialogue... the story was enjoyable too.
Some may disagree, but I didn't find the ending completely satisfying. It just... ends. I kind of was hoping for some last surprise or twist, but there wasn't one.
I like RegularJohn's suggestion to add a little more to the flashback.
Anyway, I don't have much to say about this. Good job finishing the OWC.
Be careful overusing names in dialogue. When people talk to each other...they very rarely do this.
Pg 2 whisper should be whispers...
So they are breaking off cat legs and eating them? Ack.
I like the end of this story...nice twist. Good writing in this story also. I still don't know why they were cutting up a dead cat at the beginning. That is just not right! LOL
While the story did nothing at all for me, I respect the writer's work. It was a breeze to read and it held my interest. That's an achievement. Many OWCs are a real chore to get through, this was not at all.
Morin did not really seem like a man stuck traveling the world for millennia looking for the forgiveness of an innocent man. For one thing, he has been granted immense super powers by God. Why? I mean I guess he is killing bad people, but I thought his mission was to find an innocent man to forgive him?
And he spends this time brutally torturing and killing. Yeah, I get that he is killing some bad kids, but this is completely at odds with the image of someone seeking forgiveness.
The ending is a reasonably good attempt at a twist.
Logline - starts off well but I don't think the last part about ending well adds. You could just leave it that he is forced to choose.
If this is in a real city, I assume NY (hadn't got to the fourth line at that stage!) why not have it in the slugline? Bit confused between park and street and pier? Not sure why morin mutilates rather than just kill, seems to conflict with his mission, sentence whatever it is Don't get the ending
Finished
Mixed bag for me. Boys down on their luck try and mug someone which back fires is fine. but I don't get the magic part and it doesn't seem to lead to anything. Then the man they just happen to mug is a dark lord etc seeking out what exactly, sinners. Surprised anybody is alive with that quest.
Then when the innocent kills himself I didn't understand why. Ok moric wants his curse to end, but Nevin has hardly done himself a favour. Almost cutting your nose off to spite your face. Why doesn't he just walk away, moric is then left with his curse - result - but nevin has survived
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Definitely not bad, but definitely not too good, either, sorry to say.
So many instances of a character sees this or that, or a character hears this or that. These kind of lines should be used very sparingly in a script, because any character will see and will hear whatever is aorund him.
The writing isn't great, but again, not terrible either. It's a little too simplistic while also being a little too detailed - I know that probably doesn't make much sense.
Not sure what Red Hook has to do with anything, but if it indeed is referring to the town of Red Hook, in NY, it needs to be made clear, which leads to a big problem - your Slugs - they're very poor and so generic and nonvisual.
Story-wise, there is definitely thought here, but the execution doesn't really make alot of sense.
A decent effort though and in the very weak class of entries, I'd actually say you're in the top 20%, so good job.
Some horror. Some gore. Interesting use of powers.
I liked the old man with the cane. Good character visual - tapping. I liked the whole freeze time thing in the rain. Another cool visual. Inventive to have protection area as a sort of time freeze dome. I liked the use of white magic. I haven't seen that in the enteries much. I like the protection from the blade and the relation to sin. Interesting. I was confused by the ending though. Why kill himself? Just to piss off baddie? I think I missed something. But good short with some cool momentsl
Didn't get the title reference, or the bit with the cat parts. The kids seem to think this will grant them invisibility, but I didn't see any evidence of that. Some good gore in here, sternums being ripped and stuff like that. I found it hard to believe that it took hundreds or thousands of years for the old man to find Nevin, though. This kid is a paragon of virtue?
The ending didn't make much sense to me. I had to reread it, because the wording of the sentence was murky -- "Nevin lifts the dagger to his throat and slits it open. Blood sprays across Moric’s back." At first I thought Nevin lifted the blade to Moric's throat and slit it open, but then the blood spraying across Moric's back wouldn't make sense. So Nevin killed himself? Why? How does that pay back Moric for what he did? Furthermore, a few sentences earlier it's clearly stated that the blade can't harm Nevin. "The blade will not cut you. It cannot. It will not harm the pure." So much for that. Anyway, some nice imagery derailed by a story that fell apart at the end.
Good story, solid plot. The action descriptions are well done and lend a lot of tension to the screenplay. The only criticism I have is that the dialogue of the three boys sounds the same. I couldn't tell them apart until Nevin tries to stop the attack on Moric. Other than that it was great.
Quite gruesome, but I'd have to say one of the better reads so far. Details were well written.
Spoiler - I think it might have been a better twist to have Moric trick our hero into injuring him, making him sin, so Moric could still prove no man is innocent. At least this is what I thought might be happening, so maybe it was a twist after all.
“Every piece of writing... starts from what I call a grit... a sight or sound, a sentence or happening that does not pass away... but quite inexplicably lodges in the mind.” ~ Rumer Godden
Fairly well-written, especially the visuals. A good sense of cinematography. The dialogue needs some work, and some characterization would be nice. The most complete character is Moric but it would be more effective if Nevin were fleshed out more.
The ending killed it for me. Good idea, but I couldn't get past the huge logic flaw of the knife. It can't harm him, so how did he kill himself? Be careful with your pronoun use too, your subject switches from Moric to Nevin and then you say "he" but it's not really clear that he cut is own throat, it could be interpreted as cutting Moric's throat. That confusion didn't help matters.
It has some potential. Good job completing the OWC.
You've got a great mix of ideas here, that's for sure. I don't necessarily think all of them work together but individually, there's potential. I also loved the imagery, the atmosphere, and the gore. Gruesome in a way that's not intended as fun splatter (nothing wrong with splatter BTW, just saying). There was a darkness to this one that's been severely lacking in the majority of other entries.
I breezed over the other comments and have to say my primary issues have been addressed. I think indeed it's strange that a man searching for innocence goes looking for it amongst the guilty. I understand there's a curse at work here but it's not suggested that Moric's curse is to search for innocence in this way. You could spell that out, of course, but even then it'd be iffy.
That said, I think you're close to something here and honestly I want to see this work. I love Moric's backstory, I love the idea of a man cursed to dispatch sinners in this way, and I love this dungeon full of crosses. Unfortunately, they don't seem to jive at this point. Find a way. Or change something. It's gotta be one or the other.
The ending also didn't sit well with me. I didn't buy that Nevin would do this. I don't think he has the balls or would even actually want to do this. And indeed it seems to work soley in service of making a desired plot point, Moric's salvation being cruelly swiped away, work. It doesn't feel natural or make much sense outside of that.
And indeed, the fact that Viktor and co. are practicing black magic seems strictly incidental. It doesn't go anywhere at all except to start things off on a gory note.
Simply put, I like the canvas and I like the paint. The painting itself isn't working so well if you catch my drift. Kudos on cultivating some genuine atmosphere and some genuine darkness though. If there's one thing to take away from this one, it's that.