SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 1:03am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Red Hook - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Red Hook - OWC  (currently 4360 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:49am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
Red Hook by Thirty-Four - Horror - When a brother has to choose between revenge or murder, neither choice is the right one (R ) - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
RegularJohn
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 11:28am Report to Moderator
New


Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

Posts
276
Posts Per Day
0.07
I really liked this story.  The pace was brisk and the writing was top notch.

One thing that could be tweaked is the "beats" and the "cont'd's" in some of your passages.  They aren't really necessary but i'm really just knit-picking.

I think that the flashback with the monk could have been a bit longer.  Maybe a visual representation of God's curse on Moric like the blade glowing or something.  Just a suggestion.

SPOILER ALERT

Also, if Moric's head is lowered and Nevin slits his throat, how would blood be spraying across Moric's back?  Maybe I'm missing something.

In either case, I enjoyed this one.  Great job.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 22
crookedowl
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



This was well done. Good writing, good dialogue... the story was enjoyable too.

Some may disagree, but I didn't find the ending completely satisfying. It just... ends. I kind of was hoping for some last surprise or twist, but there wasn't one.

I like RegularJohn's suggestion to add a little more to the flashback.

Anyway, I don't have much to say about this. Good job finishing the OWC.

Will
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 22
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
817
Posts Per Day
0.19
First one of many -

Good start to the OWC here.  Solid story and writing.  Three serialized sentences in a row on the top of page 2?  Gee whiz.

I thought Moric was coaxing Nevin into sin at the end.  The ending didn't really payoff.  Felt like there might have been a scene missing.

Good job, solid effort.

Johnny
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 22
Pale Yellow
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.41
Be careful overusing names in dialogue. When people talk to each other...they very rarely do this.

Pg 2 whisper should be whispers...

So they are breaking off cat legs and eating them? Ack.

I like the end of this story...nice twist. Good writing in this story also. I still don't know why they were cutting up a dead cat at the beginning. That is just not right! LOL

Great job.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 22
stevie
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Maybe need a super saying NYC or something? I've been to Red hook actually so the title grabbed my Interest.

A lot of potential in this one but it was a bit mixed in the end. Perhaps the writer ran out of time to properly put together.

I loved the bit about Nevin being impervious to the knife. Maybe he could be an actual angel or something?

Anyway, it was a pretty good effort



Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 22
KevinLenihan
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 10:21am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
528
Posts Per Day
0.13
While the story did nothing at all for me, I respect the writer's work. It was a breeze to read and it held my interest. That's an achievement. Many OWCs are a real chore to get through, this was not at all.

Morin did not really seem like a man stuck traveling the world for millennia looking for the forgiveness of an innocent man.  For one thing, he has been granted immense super powers by God. Why? I mean I guess he is killing bad people, but I thought his mission was to find an innocent man to forgive him?

And he spends this time brutally torturing and killing. Yeah, I get that he is killing some bad kids, but this is completely at odds with the image of someone seeking forgiveness.

The ending is a reasonably good attempt at a twist.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 22
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 10:39am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Red Hook

Logline - starts off well but I don't think the last part about ending well adds. You could just leave it that he is forced to choose.

If this is in a real city, I assume NY (hadn't got to the fourth line at that stage!) why not have it in the slugline?
Bit confused between park and street and pier?
Not sure why morin mutilates rather than just kill, seems to conflict with his mission, sentence whatever it is
Don't get the ending

Finished

Mixed bag for me. Boys down on their luck try and mug someone which back fires is fine. but I don't get the magic part and it doesn't seem to lead to anything. Then the man they just happen to mug is a dark lord etc seeking out what exactly, sinners. Surprised anybody is alive with that quest.

Then when the innocent kills himself I didn't understand why. Ok moric wants his curse to end, but Nevin has hardly done himself a favour. Almost cutting your nose off to spite your face. Why doesn't he just walk away, moric is then left with his curse - result - but nevin has survived

Needs a few tweaks for me.

Grade /c-


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 22
Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Definitely not bad, but definitely not too good, either, sorry to say.

So many instances of a character sees this or that, or a character hears this or that.  These kind of lines should be used very sparingly in a script, because any character will see and will hear whatever is aorund him.

The writing isn't great, but again, not terrible either.  It's a little too simplistic while also being a little too detailed - I know that probably doesn't make much sense.

Not sure what Red Hook has to do with anything, but if it indeed is referring to the town of Red Hook, in NY, it needs to be made clear, which leads to a big problem - your Slugs - they're very poor and so generic and nonvisual.

Story-wise, there is definitely thought here, but the execution doesn't really make alot of sense.

A decent effort though and in the very weak class of entries, I'd actually say you're in the top 20%, so good job.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 8 - 22
Last Fountain
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Ottawa
Posts
195
Posts Per Day
0.05
Some horror. Some gore. Interesting use of powers.

I liked the old man with the cane. Good character visual - tapping. I liked the whole freeze time thing in the rain. Another cool visual. Inventive to have protection area as a sort of time freeze dome.  I liked the use of white magic. I haven't seen that in the enteries much. I like the protection from the blade and the relation to sin. Interesting. I was confused by the ending though. Why kill himself? Just to piss off baddie? I think I missed something.  But good short with some cool momentsl


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

BORED? Check out my movie news for movie nerds BLOG.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 22
Ryan1
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1098
Posts Per Day
0.22
Didn't get the title reference, or the bit with the cat parts.  The kids seem to think this will grant them invisibility, but I didn't see any evidence of that.  Some good gore in here, sternums being ripped and stuff like that.  I found it hard to believe that it took hundreds or thousands of years for the old man to find Nevin, though.  This kid is a paragon of virtue?  

The ending didn't make much sense to me.  I had to reread it, because the wording of the sentence was murky -- "Nevin lifts the dagger to his throat and slits it open.
Blood sprays across Moric’s back."  At first I thought Nevin lifted the blade to Moric's throat and slit it open, but then the blood spraying across Moric's back wouldn't make sense.  So Nevin killed himself?  Why?  How does that pay back Moric for what he did?  Furthermore, a few sentences earlier it's clearly stated that the blade can't harm Nevin.  "The blade will not cut you. It cannot. It will not harm the pure."  So much for that.  Anyway, some nice imagery derailed by a story that fell apart at the end.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 22
LizzAyn
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
8
Posts Per Day
0.00
Good story, solid plot.  The action descriptions are well done and lend a lot of tension to the screenplay.  The only criticism I have is that the dialogue of the three boys sounds the same.  I couldn't tell them apart until Nevin tries to stop the attack on Moric.  Other than that it was great.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 22
RadioShea89
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 5:57am Report to Moderator
New


Location
East Coast
Posts
37
Posts Per Day
0.01
Quite gruesome, but I'd have to say one of the better reads so far. Details were well written.

Spoiler - I think it might have been a better twist to have Moric trick our hero into injuring him, making him sin, so Moric could still prove no man is innocent. At least this is what I thought might be happening, so maybe it was a twist after all.  


“Every piece of writing... starts from what I call a grit... a sight or sound, a sentence or happening that does not pass away... but quite inexplicably lodges in the mind.” ~ Rumer Godden
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 22
ReneC
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1435
Posts Per Day
0.32
Fairly well-written, especially the visuals. A good sense of cinematography. The dialogue needs some work, and some characterization would be nice. The most complete character is Moric but it would be more effective if Nevin were fleshed out more.

The ending killed it for me. Good idea, but I couldn't get past the huge logic flaw of the knife. It can't harm him, so how did he kill himself? Be careful with your pronoun use too, your subject switches from Moric to Nevin and then you say "he" but it's not really clear that he cut is own throat, it could be interpreted as cutting Moric's throat. That confusion didn't help matters.

It has some potential. Good job completing the OWC.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 22
James McClung
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
You've got a great mix of ideas here, that's for sure. I don't necessarily think all of them work together but individually, there's potential. I also loved the imagery, the atmosphere, and the gore. Gruesome in a way that's not intended as fun splatter (nothing wrong with splatter BTW, just saying). There was a darkness to this one that's been severely lacking in the majority of other entries.

I breezed over the other comments and have to say my primary issues have been addressed. I think indeed it's strange that a man searching for innocence goes looking for it amongst the guilty. I understand there's a curse at work here but it's not suggested that Moric's curse is to search for innocence in this way. You could spell that out, of course, but even then it'd be iffy.

That said, I think you're close to something here and honestly I want to see this work. I love Moric's backstory, I love the idea of a man cursed to dispatch sinners in this way, and I love this dungeon full of crosses. Unfortunately, they don't seem to jive at this point. Find a way. Or change something. It's gotta be one or the other.

The ending also didn't sit well with me. I didn't buy that Nevin would do this. I don't think he has the balls or would even actually want to do this. And indeed it seems to work soley in service of making a desired plot point, Moric's salvation being cruelly swiped away, work. It doesn't feel natural or make much sense outside of that.

And indeed, the fact that Viktor and co. are practicing black magic seems strictly incidental. It doesn't go anywhere at all except to start things off on a gory note.

Simply put, I like the canvas and I like the paint. The painting itself isn't working so well if you catch my drift. Kudos on cultivating some genuine atmosphere and some genuine darkness though. If there's one thing to take away from this one, it's that.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 22
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2013 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006