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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Under a Poison Sky Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Under a Poison Sky  Episode 1 Wormwood part 1 by Brett Whitlock - Series, Sci Fi, Fantasy - After a cosmic event humans begin to develop super powers. Unknowingly an insidious Alien plot to claim Earth is hinging upon a small group of super powered beings keeping a device from falling into the hands of he Ja'khell Empire, but can Connor Hunter swallow his pride and be the leader everyone knows he can be in order to save the planet and the continued existence of the human race. Episode 1 30 pages - doc, format

Under a Poison Sky  Episode 2 Wormwood part 2 by Brett Whitlock - Series, Sci Fi, Fantasy - After a cosmic event humans begin to develop super powers. Unknowingly an insidious Alien plot to claim Earth is hinging upon a small group of super powered beings keeping a device from falling into the hands of he Ja'khell Empire. As Thrax and his associates get Closer to Sawyer tensions rise between Connor and the Underground.  29 pages - doc, format

Under a Poison Sky  Episode 3 Terrestrial matters by Brett Whitlock - Series, Sci Fi, Fantasy - After a cosmic event humans begin to develop super powers. Unknowingly an insidious Alien plot to claim Earth is hinging upon a small group of super powered beings keeping a device from falling into the hands of he Ja'khell Empire. Jackson Shepherd is found by an agent of Anubis and gets arrested by officer Hannah Williams. after a failed intervention attempt conner sees the error of his ways, meanwhile Olivia is kidnapped by Thrax. sawyer meets with Breen and they discuss the Genesis machine. Eli infiltrates Thrax's base in DC and communicates with Anubis directly. 30 pages - doc, format




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Don  -  February 3rd, 2014, 5:19pm
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pale yellow
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Don
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from pale yellow
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Last Fountain
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I just finished episode 1. This reminded me of CHRONICLE and the comic RUNAWAYS.

The synopsis made this seem way more epic than it was. It was more character focused.  I think you could focus more on the poisoned sky. I like that term. Maybe you could start off with a scene of the meteor crashing. I also think you could set-up the powers better. Although I didn't expect it  the way you handled it. I think it would be better to see people getting poisoned and discovering their new powers.

The opening few scenes would work better if they had more impact. Maybe there is a better way to show he's being hounded by mysterious calls. Maybe they can talk to him and they can say something to intrigue us to the mystery.

I think the character history would be better to see, rather than dialogue about his past. Maybe use flashbacks with narration?

There are technical screenwriting issues. You'll have to label scenes with sluglines to let the reader know where the scene takes place. Like: EXT. FOREST - DAY. The dialogue feels like run on sentences. I think it would help to break it up with periods. You have  lot of "and"s. Way too many. I think you should also remove the camera directions and using the phrase " we see". You could just describe the actions on their own.

I think you have a cool idea here. The more you show the better, I'd say. Try and get excitement building. And since it's a series maybe you can space out the character backstory over a few episodes. Build towards it.

There's my 2 cents for now. I hope it helps some. I'll check out episode 2 later.


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