Competition by Nikki April Lee - Short, Drama, Thriller - A young bombshell receives the scare of her life when she cheats with the wrong husband.  9 pages - pdf, format

Hey Nikki.

This hasn't gotten a review so I thought I'd give it a crack.

"she chats on the phone with a friend".  A bit redundant.  A phone to her ear may be better.

Some of your descriptions read a bit funny to me.  The first description of the building is an example.  "Once successful"?  I'm guessing that this building is just big though other successful business could have been small yet still successful.  I'm probably over-thinking this but to me it reads strange.

For the most part, this flows pretty well but towards the middle got a bit too talky and bit comically when the battery dilemma arose.  What was going to happen if Davina forgot about the extra batteries?  Was Sarah gonna rummage through her purse, place the batteries in the recorder and hit the record button?  That entire part just didn't work and brought the tension to a big speed for me.

Where did the safe come into play?  So Sarah stored her purse in Mr. Stribridge's safe (probably before the bang session) then she'd take it out of the safe and leave?  I mean Sarah and Davina's husband go to hotels to do it but then I'm still confused as to why this safe would come up in the first place.  I see later on that apparently the fooling around happens at the house or perhaps in the office but a "shitty motel downtown" is where it gets competitive for Davina.  Sort of a weird contradiction for me.  I'd like to read your thoughts on that part.

"Eyes as big as basketballs."  A bit of a stretch for me as far as similes go."

"...pierces her windshield and deposits into her skull."  Another weird description.

So I'm confused with the ending.  I get that Sarah was get the scoop with the infidelity and was going to publish it but the relationship between Davina and her husband is what has me scratching my head.  She seems oddly cool with killing Sarah and handling the whole situation like she's done this before.  So does Mr. Stribridge go around, banging all these young employees and has his wife kill them or what?  I don't know, it's all too jarring for me to believe.

So overall this story was actually decently written.  You have an handle on script writing IMO, but this story was just too twisted up in itself to really grasp.  The issue with the batteries actually made me chuckle like she would struggle with the recorder before Davina continued her monologue which, I feel, went on a bit too long.  I can appreciate what you were after and it was riveting through the first 3 pages but sort of lost itself in the remainder.  I hope this helped.  Sorry if I came across a bit harsh.  Good luck.

Johnny

This is the second script I've seen from her and she hasn't chimed in yet.  It's strangely bizarre how many people can't seem to find their way to the portal.  Or they choose not to?

Quoted from NickSedario It's strangely bizarre how many people can't seem to find their way to the portal.

I hear ya, Silverback.  Maybe Don should put a giant red "discussion/review forum" button on the homepage.  I've read a few times that people didn't even know this page existed after submitting a script.  Oh well.

I remember reading this a couple of days ago and thinking that it was pretty talky.

Also, a wife knows that her husband cheats on a regular basis and kills this one girl because she's "competition."  

Then we're introduced to the twist, which makes me scratch my head.  

This cold-blooded wife who has no qualms about murder comes across as the lackey of her womanizing husband.  

Doesn't make logical sense from a female perspective unless the husband has his wife completely brainwashed.

I think this worked okay but another twist at the end would have been good.