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I am not sure how to feel about this. Firstly, you are confusing your and you're. Secondly, what's the point of this story?
*Spoilers*
Everybody dies in this script, but no solid reason is given. Richard kills his own brother, Rab, but why? Rab didn't steal any cocaine. He just found it. Richard just could have asked it back.
Same goes for Tony. Who killed him and why? And why did Fizz shoot himself in the end?
I know it's a short, but you have to provide convincing answers to these.
I liked some of your dialogues and the slang that you used. It sounded pretty authentic.
It can be an interesting script, but you need to address the issues that I mentioned.
Richard kills his brother Rab because I assume he wouldn't give the coke back, so Richard tried to beat it out of him but it went to far. Tony is a prison warden and had arranged a buyer with an inmate which endid up going wrong, they took the drugs and killed him. Fizz ends up shooting himself because two of his best friends have been killed, three if you include Richard. It's all got to much for him and he doesn't know how to handle it.
I know the ending is abrupt and probably needs to be changed.
I'm a stills photographer and I am trying to write and shoot a short as a project. I have never wrote a script in my life so I know it's not going to be awesome but I dont know any script writers so I had to try myself. For me it's all about the end result. Writing for me is a means to an end. I was going to end the story after Richard dies but the feedback I was getting said that I needed a proper ending so the last few pages were done in a hurry. Also this is a non funded project so I have to write the script with that in mind. Bottom line is that I'm a shooter not a writer but I'll try anything once, so that's where I am. I'm not appose to a change in the ending so if anyone thinks they can improve it, please feel free to try.
I know you've mentioned that you're not a screenwriter, but I'm pretty sure people are gonna feel less inclined to give you advice if they know they're not gonna get any back. Maybe reading and reviewing other scripts would not only help you get more reviews yourself, but improve your skills as a screenwriter as it'll highlight all the things that you're doing wrong. As you said, you don't know any screenwriters, so why not become one yourself? It may not be your forte, but if you can write a good script, that'll help secure funding in the future. Things like that.
I am reading scripts here, that's the main reason I joined. Granted I haven't left any feedback yet but I only joined yesterday and I will be leaving feedback. I may well write another script after I get my head round this one, but for now my aim is to end up with something half decent and ready to shoot for spring.
Hello again Navi, I have rewritten the ending, hope it makes more sence now. I've put the new script up and it should be on show tonight. Thanks for the feedback.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Thanks Reef Dreamer, I've put up rewrite of this, it's getting posted tonight, you're prob better reading that as I've tightened it up a bit. I have been reading other peoples scripts and leaving feedback although being a newbie I can only say so much, thanks for the welcome.
You're a stills photographer? Sorry, you've got no chance of filming this successfully.
First off, this fails on numerous levels. It could be nicely picked apart here, but there'd be no point, as you've tried something which you're not ready to do any justice to.
For this to work, you're going to have to take one or two key elements from it and work on them. Look at the finding and decision making process: One guy finds the drugs, tells his friend, and they have to make a decision on what to do with it. That would be easier to film as you've limited the locations and bodies involved, and you're concentrating the story in one particular area.
The way you are running it now, you're getting far too complicated, and the story is going to run flat because you've missed out so much that is interesting, built up no tension, and have created no atmosphere.
Pare back and find some essential elements and work on those.
WOW you really do think you're James Bond eh? I think I need to give you a good shake for stirring me up.
Joking aside I think you've been a bit harsh here. With an opening line of ' Sorry, you've got no chance of filming this successfully' and 'It could be nicely picked apart here, but there'd be no point, as you've tried something which you're not ready to do any justice to'.
I'm glad it's not for ' For Your Eyes Only ' and you're lucky I don't have a ' Licence to Kill '
I think that's more puns in one hit than I've had in my entire time on these boards.
I don't want to be too harsh, but it is too ambitious for a first job.
Sometimes people try and film a trailer as a bit of a tester - that might be worth a go, and it may help to see how much of a challenge you're setting yourself.
Like I say, if you were to take a portion of this script and re-work it, I really think you're more likely to get some solid input from the boards, because there is quite a lot wrong with it as it stands.
The principle idea works very well though... hopefully that will give you a (uh oh) quantum of solace. Damn, wasn't going to go there
Why not just team up with a screenwriter? Most of us will let our shorts go out for free, just for a writing credit.
I'd suggest reading through the shorts here or even asking a screenwriter to write your concept for you. If they know it will be made then they'll probably do it. So long as they get the writing credit and you can do a good job of filming it.
Your scene setting is good. You know what you want to see. However, your dialogue seems almost childish in some places.
You don't seem to know the difference between, to and too, nor you're and your. No biggy if you're filming it yourself.
Code
They’re pleased to see each other and give each other a hug.
In the above you tell us that they are pleased to see each other when just having them hug is enough of a visual clue to tell us that already.
Code
FIZZ
This shit’s wicked, whoever owns it
is going to be really be pissed
off, they are going to come looking
for it for sure.
TONY
I hope they do, it’s been a while
since I had a good rumble. I miss
the army sometimes.
I find that difficult to believe from a prison guard. 20 kilo's of cocaine, depending on purity, is worth around £500k wholesale, that's obviously at 25k per key. People coming for that kind of money are usually more than about just having a rumble. It's more bullet in the brain type stuff.
Code
TONY
Yeah, I know a guy inside who runs
a big part of Scotland from his
cell. I’ll take a bit in tomorrow
and see what he says.
I hadn't imagined this guy to be stupid up until now. A prison guard with army experience is going to inform one of the biggest gangsters in Scotland about a 20 kilo cocaine haul that is probably his.
Code
EXT THE ROCKS NEXT DAY
Fizz puffs on a joint.
Tony walks up to him, punches him square in the face.
Fizz falls to the ground holding his chin.
FIZZ
What the fuck?
Fizz looks like he’s in shock, he can’t believe what’s just
happened.
TONY
Thanks to you I've been suspended
from my work. Some fucking grass
saw me handing over coke and stuck
me in.
FIZZ
Well it wasn’t fuckin me, chill
your beans man. What’s going to
happen to you?
TONY
Fuck knows, they searched me and
never found anything but even If I
do get my job back, I’ll be getting
be watched, so as soon as we get
rid of this I'm offski.
FIZZ
Did you see that guy? What did he
say?
TONY
Yeah, its all set up for later
today, give Rab a call.
Fizz gets out his phone. Hits a saved number.
FIZZ
Rab?
Is this actually a comedy? Bit too slapstick for me.
Code
Richard walks closer to Fizz and puts the gun to his head.
FIZZ
Your drugs?
As Richard goes to pull the trigger, Tony comes up from
behind and puts a knife to his throat. Richard drops the gun
and Fizz quickly picks it up then pulls out a coin and looks
at Richard.
FIZZ (CONT’D)
Heads or tails big man?
Richard thinks. Tension building.
Yeah... this is really bad. If you're older than sixteen, then you do really need screenwriter assistance. Stick to what you're good at. Leave story making to the writers. I'm not even interested in the ending.
Pages: 1, 
Author
Cocaine Galore
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I think that's more puns in one hit than I've had in my entire time on these boards.
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