The Undercovers by Mark Rupprecht - Short, Action, Adventure - An iconic American rock band, who are also spies, attempt to help a German scientist escape East Berlin in 1986. 9 pages - pdf, format

Hi, Mark.

The good news is, the formatting's fine. The other good news is that the action descriptions were concise. However...

There are numerous unfilmables I noticed. - 'Johnny,7, in awe, holds a guitar for the first time.' How are we supposed to know he's holding the guitar for the first time? You need to show us this, not tell us this. You could describe how wrapping paper surrounds him or maybe even some dialogue.

Some things are just worded weirdly. - 'A vintage wooden console TV set blasts to drown out the activity.' I don't know if this is me being dumb, but are you saying the TV set is wooden or the thing that the TV set rests on is wooden? If you're describing what the TV set rests on, then that's completely redundant anyway. Also, what activity? There was multiple instances of this and it really took me away from the story. You should always read it at least twice.

I noticed some grammatical issues to. 'Johnny his mic stand.' - It should be 'Johnny, his mic stand'. It's only a comma but it makes all the difference. You also repeated this line on page 5 so you should consider revising that.

You also went pretty crazy with the hyphens, especially near the end. I don't think I really need to give you an example of this but it's best not to overuse things for the sake of variety.

'The band -- a hundred yards from freedom when -- BOOM. It
explodes. The compression blows them all to the ground. One
by one they peel themselves up. Thump picks up the bottle.'

Here, there were about 3 shots in one paragraph of action. When starting a new shot, just use another line. It's clearer and generally, just makes more sense.

As for the story, it didn't really tickle my spring roll. It just seemed a bit random. A rock band who are spies? Maybe that would work for a comedy/action but this isn't listed as a comedy so...

What was the point in Johnny's flashback? It had no relevance and felt forced. You didn't even tell us it was a flashback so I'd suggest looking up how to correctly format them.

I'll stop now. Hope this helped.

Format-wise there were a few problems, but nothing that was too distracting or hard to fix. The writing slips into passive voice every now and then, but again, nothing too distracting.

Story-wise I think the concept is clever. Clever enough for a feature even. If you didn’t mind spinning it as a comedy/action/adventure, it could work well. Think ‘Spinal Tap’ meets ‘Get Smart’. The execution is wanting though.

Right up front, I think your biggest problem is Walter. Your logline states he’s a German scientist, but your script doesn’t. That’s fatal because the entire story revolves around getting him out. Why does he want out? Why is America willing to risk his extraction? How does the band feel about any of this? If we don’t know what it means to any of them, what could it possibly mean to us?

Notes

Pg. 1 -The Super being ALL CAPS is a little much for me, and the quote itself doesn’t really add anything.

-“a… TV set blasts to drown out the activity.” What activity? So far you’ve only described furniture.

- Lenny’s description is confusing because I don’t know what ‘sausaged’ is supposed to mean when used as a verb. Lenny also completely disappears, so what’s the point?

Pg. 2 – “Patrick barks out an order to Lenny” No need for this description.

-This may seem nitpicky, but I don’t see how a band that’s “rhythm and blues, pop, soul and heavy metal” could be considered “rooted” in any of those genres. I’d pare it down. The name ‘The Undercovers’ actually puts me in mind of late-70s/early-80s punk.

- I think your band has too many members/characters, especially for a short. They weren’t really distinct from each other. If you cut it down to 3 or 4 we’d have a better chance to get to know them.

Pg. 3 – I don’t think the flashback adds anything and it’s just kind of jammed in there.

Pg. 4 – That’s one short "anthem".

-Don’t need “Rock and roll style.” I’ve already got that from the “GIRLS, ROADIES, and booze.”

-Your slugs going into page 5 indicate “CONTINUING” (should be “CONTINUOUS”) movement between scenes. The problem is Calvin is in all of them without you describing his movement. It makes it seem like he’s teleporting. Try "MOMENTS LATER".

-Besides that, who is Calvin and what is he doing? Does he know about the band’s secret identity? Who the heck is this Mary he’s trying to call? I didn’t know what any of those scenes were supposed to be telling me.

Pg. 7 – I could tell it was the plane that exploded, but the way you worded it kind of makes it sound like it’s the band that exploded.

-I did like how the booze turned into a weapon. This story needs more of that (i.e. elements that mean one thing in the music world, but can be reappropriated for the spy world).

Pg. 8 – Needs FADE OUT

Once again, good concept, hazy execution. I’d keep trying to crack this idea though.  If done right, it could be high-concept comedy gold.

Eric

I thought the formatting was fine, but definately an overuse of hyphens. It go to the point where I was looking for them in every new action line.

Also, some of your descriptions are overwritten.  

"A vintage
wooden console TV set blasts to drown out the activity."
Why is this important? Couldn't you just say, "A TV plays in the background." If your trying to paint the setting, then move up that Super.  

"A POLYGRAPHER, in one swift move, rips off the blood
pressure sleeve and yanks a plastic clip off Walters finger."
Get rid of the "in one swift move" and it reads much better.

"The Polygrapher joins in the
urgency -- packing his gear."
Unecessary hyphen.

"SUPER: "EAST BERLIN 1986""
I think you should move this up, that way you can omit that vintage TV line.

"Patrick pulls out a show ticket form his suit jacket and
inspects -- checking the authenticity."
Unecessary hyphen again. Also, I would mention it's a rock show ticket, that kind of confused me.

I can go deeper into it if you reply back or send me a pm.

The biggest problem is that there are too many characters.  It's confusing following everyone, as Ewall mentioned, it would work better as a feature.

On a good note, the script is well-formatted and reads fluid for the most of the time. The logline was clear and to the point.

My advice is to cut down of some of the characters and expand this if you have to. Also, there alot of different locations, which also adds to the confusion. It reads as an action-comedy, but I don't think you intended that.