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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Startling Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Startling  (currently 2544 views)
Don
Posted: January 3rd, 2014, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Startling by Luis Garza - Horror, Supernatural - After her father's mysterious death, Teresa starts seeing multiple apparitions, among these is her dead father. Who are these apparitions? How are they related to her and her father? Who is the little girl who wants Teresa's daughter to commit suicide. Who is the mysterious black shape who visited Teresa's father before he died?  98 pages - doc, format


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TheReccher
Posted: January 4th, 2014, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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I can tell you two huge mistakes before I even place sight on the script.

Your logline is overlong and doesn't really get into the nuts and bolts of the story. I surmise any good story will make me ask questions along the way, but I want to feel and experience the mystery of those naturally in the film. Don't use them to prop your logline.

Secondly, stay away from Word. It's already a bad sign when I click on the link and I see the Word Icon on the pop-up box. Download Celtx. It's free and easy to use, and I assure you, one of the few instances in anyone's life when it's too good to be true, but is true anyways. Recommended.

I'll read your script and offer an opinion, but that's only because I love ghost stories. You're shooting yourself in the foot using Word.
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mmmarnie
Posted: January 4th, 2014, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Nothing wrong with using Word, just make sure your tabs are set correctly, and these are not. This link has every tab setting you need as well as other basic format rules. If you don't see something here, like adding camera direction, cut to's, credits...don't do it. http://www.oscars.org/awards/nicholl/scriptsample.pdf  And before you submit something it's best to convert it to a PDF.


boop
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TheReccher
Posted: January 4th, 2014, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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So I've read the first ten.

Let me get some of the minor stuff out of the way, I officially despise the word "darling," and Teresa refering to Nancy as "our sister," was a touch strange and led me astray when it came to the family dynamics. Is this 1950's lingo? Isn't Joseph Teresa's father and Nancy/Mary his granddaughters? Maybe I'm just being a little slow.

You showed too much of the supernatural too early and too soon. The aura of mystery was on it's deathbed with the P.O.V shot, and officially killed when a shadow-man shown at face value near the grandfather. It's usually never a good idea to show the P.O.V. of enemies that should be shrouded in darkness and mystery. This is why the Alien stopped being scary in Alien 3; comes off like a cheesy Goosebumps episode if not done right. Try to hint at his existence in the room without showing him full force.


Quoted Text
New York City about 50 years ago, people wearing 50’s clothes, grocery stores full, people wearing gloves and hats, some with black suits and others with boots.


Redundant to specify that this takes place almost fifty years ago, when the time is specified in the title card.


Quoted Text
Stairs are leading up to the front door which is brown, and there windows with white curtains on both sides
The dark sky surrounds the house, lightning bolts hitting places nearby; probably the start of a storm.


There a re a few clunky attempts at building mood. When does the sky not surround everything. It's usually everywhere, and pay no heed to this criticism if the color of the doors and drapes are plot important, but color is usually never a necessary detail.


Quoted Text
JOSEPH
Can you please adjust my pillow.


Aside from the missing question mark, this is where very vague scene description leads to confusion because....


Quoted Text
JOSEPH(75)bald, with tubes connected to his nose and into a machine.


Only describes tubes and a machine, nothing about lying on a bed. I sort of get what you're going for when it comes to the setting you're trying to describe, but this sort of description lacks detail. I'm having a hard time visualizing this film in scenes like this.

This is a pretty decent read all things considered. I'll read until the end and offer an opinion of the overall story. I won't go into the format and spelling/grammatical issues as that's sure to get covered. Just know these are almost avoidable when trudging through the hassle of writing a script in Word. It's not technically wrong as long as the final product is in PDF, but it makes things much more difficult than they need to be.  
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TheReccher
Posted: January 5th, 2014, 12:34am Report to Moderator
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Okay finally done the script.

The characters are pretty bland and don't have much of a distinct personality to me. There's an occasional quip here and sarcastic zing there, but for the most part it was hard to tell Nancy and Mary apart. Mark is the only one that stands out somewhat. Teresa is a caring single mother that sometimes lets the stress of it get to her. That's all I really know about the women. A little more depth and life needs to be injected into them. Most of their dialogue are tedious one line conversations that feel mechanical and contrived. I understand this is taking place in the past where speech was more sophisticated and less colloquial, but sometimes characters say things that make me question if they're human. Try to squeeze more life and depth into them.

Despite my lack of empathy for the characters, this is for the most part a fairly creepy and effective ghost story. Pacing is tight, not too slow or quick. I rarely felt impatient and fidgety reading it, and the tense points were met with a fair amount of build up. I felt the right amount of fear and tension when the ghosts finally showed up. But the main problem, and this is one that plagues damn near every haunted house film ever conceived: why don't they just get up and leave? Good writing can get around this, can patch up this hole or distract the readers from it. This doesn't happen here. I was scratching my chin as to why she was standing around and waiting for Mark to come the moment she saw a women under the bed. Can't she stay with a friend until he shows up? Also, why are Teresa and the kids relieved when Mark shows up? As far as I can see the crazy weird crap didn't exactly sizzle down. Does this guy have such amazing ability that he can ward off the spirits with the flick of a hand? Why was Teresa not being protective of her daughter when she was almost killed by a ghost? That night she runs out of the room and leaves her daughter alone and vulnerable. I would have glued her to my hand after the incident with Kristi, if I was her parent. Still in spite of these, I'd say this was a fairly tense ghost story until the last act. The appearance of the ghosts were properly creepy and the mystery was kept alive for the right amount of time until the backstory of the haunting was finally revealed, and when it was, the answer was satisfying enough.  That is, except for the big reveal of who the big dark figure was. It might have been better to keep his essence a complete mystery. It didn't really live up to my expectations. Not this this was that original a story to begin with but, he was built up way too much. It might have been hard to live up to the hype, and him being "death," didn't come close enough.

It's the last 15 or so minutes when the story just completely falls apart. Too much of it is over-the-top and silly. I wasn't a fan of the whole good energy vs. bad energy thing, this was a real atmosphere killer for me. And the characters fully acknowledging how goofy the whole "good energy" thing doesn't justify it, it just takes me out of the story even more. Did someone get punched out by a ghost? And the ending felt a touch rushed. They were ready to do an exorcism, which in and of itself shouldn't be easy and felt ripe for more build up. And than, she just sits back and accepts death? Kind of anticlimactic to me.

This is a decent start, but it needs a lot of polish. With enough work and re-writes I can definitely see this turning into a solid work. But it's a long road ahead.

Good luck to you in the future.
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LuisAnthony
Posted: January 5th, 2014, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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I'm really glad you liked the scares and the pacing. With the characters being too "bland", what do you think would be a reasonable thing to do to develop them more? And yes, I myself thought the good energy vs. bad energy was a lazy move; I will definitely re-write the 3rd act. With the final reveal of the dark figure being Death, what do you think will be the appropriate thing to do to handle it? If you have any ideas on how to make this a better story please feel free to email me. I can tell you really know the genre and you have a good eye with things.

Regards.
Luis  
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TheReccher
Posted: January 7th, 2014, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LuisAnthony
I'm really glad you liked the scares and the pacing. With the characters being too "bland", what do you think would be a reasonable thing to do to develop them more? And yes, I myself thought the good energy vs. bad energy was a lazy move; I will definitely re-write the 3rd act. With the final reveal of the dark figure being Death, what do you think will be the appropriate thing to do to handle it? If you have any ideas on how to make this a better story please feel free to email me. I can tell you really know the genre and you have a good eye with things.

Regards.
Luis  


Hello Luis. It's a little challenging for me (or for anyone) to conceptualize in words what makes a character interesting. There's no easy formula, a lot of it is too instinctive and emotional. I just know when a character feels real and likable, and they anchor me into the story. Here's some advice, get to the root of it in the dialogue. Each character needs a distinct voice, at times I hard time telling Nancy and Mary apart. Think of a personality trait and archetype and imagine someone with said archetype speaking as you write. A lot of the dialogue is very...obviously written to fill space. If you scroll down the script you notice almost all of it is composed of all one line conversation. People almost always talk with variety in their sentence structure. Outside of this, try to tell us more. Their opinions, their fears, their thoughts, what ails them, their world views, their feelings, their pet peeves, their culture, their up-bringing etc. A great scene should tell us several things about the characters effortlessly. A lot of writers under-estimate just how much a story needs to dig and un-earth from the minds of the characters.

In regards to your question about the dark figure, I can't give specific creative ideas unless my name is on the writers credits list, but I can give a tip. If you're having a hard time coming with a good twist or identity that can live up to the hype and mystery built around it, simply don't. It's not a story cop-out, a lot of my favorite horror icons are complete enigmas. Make it clear and blatent how it functions and what it can do, and give tiny clues and hints to "what," it is, but don't describe it flat out. Good horror is mystery, unless the explanation is terrifying and earth shattering enough.

Regard and good luck to you in the future ...  
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Guest
Posted: January 7th, 2014, 3:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LuisAnthony
I'm really glad you liked the scares and the pacing. With the characters being too "bland", what do you think would be a reasonable thing to do to develop them more?


Maybe give them quirks or a certain (repeated) line only they would say.

Have them wear something cool and memorable, like the scorpion jacket Gosling wears in Drive.

Give them awesome scenes and put them in situations out of their element.

Best of luck with your script, man.


--Steve

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Levon
Posted: January 7th, 2014, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Thought I'd just chip in a little with the character development bit. I usually think about the character's profession, morals, how he/she would react in a situation, likeability, social class etc. All this stuff adds depth.

And always put yourself in the character's shoes when writing. What would you say if you were them? What would you do if you were them?

I hope that makes sense.

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LuisAnthony
Posted: January 7th, 2014, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TheReccher


Hello Luis. It's a little challenging for me (or for anyone) to conceptualize in words what makes a character interesting. There's no easy formula, a lot of it is too instinctive and emotional. I just know when a character feels real and likable, and they anchor me into the story. Here's some advice, get to the root of it in the dialogue. Each character needs a distinct voice, at times I hard time telling Nancy and Mary apart. Think of a personality trait and archetype and imagine someone with said archetype speaking as you write. A lot of the dialogue is very...obviously written to fill space. If you scroll down the script you notice almost all of it is composed of all one line conversation. People almost always talk with variety in their sentence structure. Outside of this, try to tell us more. Their opinions, their fears, their thoughts, what ails them, their world views, their feelings, their pet peeves, their culture, their up-bringing etc. A great scene should tell us several things about the characters effortlessly.


Thank you, I will definitely work more on character development and i will keep the dark figure a total mystery. I'm sure that replacing the dialogue can do the trick. Also, as you mentioned before about turning word into a PDF and posting it, do you have any idea on how to do that? Thank you.

Regards
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LuisAnthony
Posted: January 7th, 2014, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Levon
Thought I'd just chip in a little with the character development bit. I usually think about the character's profession, morals, how he/she would react in a situation, likeability, social class etc. All this stuff adds depth.

And always put yourself in the character's shoes when writing. What would you say if you were them? What would you do if you were them?

I hope that makes sense.



Thank you, that definitely makes a lot of sense and helped.

Regards  
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LuisAnthony
Posted: January 7th, 2014, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Guest


Maybe give them quirks or a certain (repeated) line only they would say.

Have them wear something cool and memorable, like the scorpion jacket Gosling wears in Drive.

Give them awesome scenes and put them in situations out of their element.

Best of luck with your script, man.


--Steve



Thank you, you definitely helped, really appreciate it.

Regards
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