Demons by Matthew Sanders - Short, Drama - With death approaching, a troubled father confides in his daughter. With his life's greatest achievement at his side, he shares his life's deepest regret.   11 pages - pdf, format

Matthew,

A few notes as I go:

• You need FADE IN: to be left justified.
  
• You need to have SUPER: "1985"
  
• How do you film "the smell of death"?  Film is a visual medium.  Unless you're on a Universal Studios tour and you see a 4D movie, the only smell you're going to get in the theater is stale popcorn and Sweet Tarts.
  
• Your script reads like a novel or play.  There's no "center stage" in film.
  
• Your character introductions should read, "Jacob Rollins, 82,..."
  
• You have many unfilmables (the smell of death).  If you have a few that really help set the scene, that's fine, but you have them all over the place.  Only write what can be seen or heard.
  
• You don't need to tell me that Susan speaks.  Just put the dialogue on the page and I'll know she's speaking.
  
• There's no need for the CONTINUED on the top and bottom of the pages.
  
• The crime is too similar to The Green Mile.
  
• Is your script based on the novel Carolina Skeletons, or did you use the George Stinney case as the basis for this?
  

Your format needs some work and the dialogue is on-the-nose but once I got past all that, there were some moments that really worked for me.

Jordan

Hey Jordan,

First of all, thanks for the detailed review. The only way I can solve a problem is to first know there is one, and your feedback definitely helps.

I've been getting very lazy on my formatting lately. I thought before I submitted I should probably re-read, but the thought of getting my story online had me all giddy, and I forgot.

I've also slipped into the dreaded world of short stories and it's starting to bleed over into my screenplays. I didn't realize, however, how much it's affected them until now. I'll try to tone it down a bit.

The "Center Stage" in the description was used metaphorically. SUSAN was there by JACOB's side, but there was nothing she could do to help him. She was essentially just an onlooker, if that makes sense.

The "Continued" on the top and bottom of every page is something CELTX has been doing lately, I'll have to check it out in the preferences.

I did base the crime on the George Stinney case from the 40's. You are right though, the whole thing had a very "Green Mile" vibe to it.

I'm glad you enjoyed parts of it. I look forward to giving your stuff a read.

I have two problems with this script:

The first is that I'm reading ten pages of talking heads.  Or talking head as Jacob is doing 95% of the talking.  Don't depend on us to stick around and watch this.  Movies are a visual medium; give us something to look at!  You use a brief flashback in the end when this script should've been mostly flashback.  

I thought Jacob's dialog was pretty phony and on-the-nose.  Here we have a guy who probably won't last the day and he's waxing poetic about an event that's been haunting him for decades:

Quoted Text What are you to do when the lines of right and wrong become soskewed, you don’t know which is which?

Quoted Text I have finally accepted my crimes.  I killed a child, just like the murderer to those little girls. I’ve made my bed, now I’m ready to lie in it....

He's struggling to breathe, but he can talk on an on in complete sentences?  A lot of people don't speak this well when they wake up from a nap.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Phil,

Thanks for the read. I've creeped on this board for years, and you were one of the first members I read back then.

I've been kicking myself for not editing this first set of screenplays that I submitted last week. It's a bit embarrassing, actually.

Anyway, I have a tendency of overcompensating on dialogue in these small intimate scripts. I just assume the reader is an idiot, and spoon feed the story to them. It's a thing, but I'm working on it.

I'm not sure why I decided to post my dialogue/monolauge only screenplays together, for the most part, they are a rarity for me. I fully intend on rewriting this story and cutting some of the fat, and adding those much needed flashbacks.

Quoted from Mattlj25 I just assume the reader is an idiot

For the most part, we are.  That doesn't mean you have to spoonfeed everything to us.  Makes for a dull read.

Read your dialog aloud after you've written it.  You'll know if it's good or bad when you hear it.


Phil