SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 2:26pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Are You Okay? Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 7 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Are You Okay?  (currently 3021 views)
Don
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 11:25am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Are You Okay? by Matthew Sanders (mattlj25) - Short, Drama - A single father struggles with caring for his autistic daughter. 8 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 20th, 2014, 9:35pm
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Bogey
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
The Chair
Posts
232
Posts Per Day
0.06
Matt-

The action descriptions are a little overwritten ("sluggishly slides, quickly bolts, etc.), and the voice overs might be a little long-winded, but I thought the structure was right-on, and most important, the story was very touching and effective.

I think every parent can empathize with this story on some personal level, so you should have a built-in target. Well done.

Revision History (1 edits)
Bogey  -  February 16th, 2014, 2:58pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 12
Mattlj25
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
New


Picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Location
The writhing south.
Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey Bogey,

Thank you for the read, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I made the mistake of posting the original draft instead of the revised version.. Don should be updating it this evening. Hopefully the revisions I made will cut down on some of those issues and make the story flow a little better.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 12
Chongamon
Posted: February 18th, 2014, 11:13am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
38
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey Matt,

First off, the writing and formatting are pretty good for the most part. The story was interesting and engaging. Now onto some suggestions:

On the top of page 2, Maggie's diagloue should be O.S. (off screen).

"MIKE (VO)
She’s always done that. It’s the
only sign of affection she’s ever
shown. Truthfully, I doubt that’s
even a sign of affection. More
likely, she’s just never quite
understood what "are you okay?"
even means. How can you communicate
with someone who doesn’t even
understand what communicating is?"

Eh I would leave that out or shorten it up. It's exposition.

"INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY"

Should be INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

"Maggie"

Should be in all caps, since it's the first time your introducing her.

"By the sound of her crying, you would have assumed she had a
bone sticking out."

I would omit that line completely.

"Maggie wildly screams, lashes out, and slaps Mike on the
face, cutting his cheek."

I don't think you can cut someones cheek with a slap, unless she was wearing a ring or something.

Okay, so my biggest problem with the script is the bulky action and description blocks. Like Bogey mentioned, it's overwritten. Alot of the description lines could be significantly reduced or even left out all together.

The voiceovers. Too long and unnecessary. Instead of showing us what having a child with autism is like or what it's like to have autism, you explain it to us in these long blocky voice overs. It's a cut and dried example of exposition. Most of the time voiceovers don't work for me, especially in shorts.

The story. I actually found it pretty interesting. I liked how you kind of tied everything up in the end.

SPOILERS

I actually thought Mike was going to kill himself. TBH, I think I would of preferred that ending. Why did Maggie take the entire bottle? Was she trying to kill herself? Couldn't of he just downed the pills with the whiskey instead of blowing his brains out, traumatizing his little girl?

I like happy endings, but this one is kind of sappy. Almost feels a bit forced.

Anyways, good job. This was a good short and I enjoyed reading it.

- Chong
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 12
Nomad
Posted: February 18th, 2014, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
721
Posts Per Day
0.15
Matt,

The voice over is too heavy, you mixed up "stares" with "stairs", and the whole thing can be tightened up a lot, BUT, this definitely made me feel something and for that, I thank you.

You're on your way to becoming a great writer.  You need to work on your mechanics, but you have a knack for eliciting emotion, and that's quite difficult.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 12
NickSedario
Posted: February 18th, 2014, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
Guest User






I'm glad I plodded through this.   Totally agree with Nomad, you've defintely compiled a bittersweet tearjerker here, but you've got do fix that prose, IMO.  Less is more.  

Nice story.

Btw, I actually liked the voice over,  but it should be V.O.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 12
Mattlj25
Posted: February 20th, 2014, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
New


Picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Location
The writhing south.
Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.01
Chong:

Thanks for the read, and the helpful review. As far as the bulky VO's and overwritten action blocks… story of my life. lol.

*SPOILERS*

I was trying to find a nice balance in Mike's suicide note/Voiceover.. something that explained his actions, and gave us a window into his daily struggles. But I over delivered on both fronts, and definitely could've shown more, instead of telling.

I read somewhere once that severely autistic people tend to latch on to certain objects. So for Maggie, that object was her medicine bottle. I thought this would be a good vehicle for her overdose.. She didn't want to kill herself, she just didn't know any better. Mike knows this, so that's why he freaks when he see's the pill cap in his lap.

Jordan:

I'm so happy you got something from this. It's not perfect, and there are things I will cut in the rewrite, but overall I'm glad I was able to draw something out of you, the reader. Thanks.

SILVERBACK:

I don't actually know your name, lol but thank you for sticking with the story. And thanks for the feedback. I tend to write voiceovers more than I would prefer, but it was essential in this story, and the way I wanted to tell it.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 12
DustinBowcot
Posted: February 21st, 2014, 3:05am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Yeah... I got a little bored, but when the punch came it was delivered nicely. Maybe overplayed at the end... but all in all a very good story. Tightening up is all that's needed here.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 7 - 12
Mattlj25
Posted: February 21st, 2014, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
New


Picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Location
The writhing south.
Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thanks Dustin, im mulling over a few ways to spice the beginning/middle up, without taking away from the overall story.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 12
J.S.
Posted: February 21st, 2014, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
204
Posts Per Day
0.05
Matthew,

I had notes for this but somehow got deleted. I read it several days ago, but sort of wanted to hold off on my comments.

I liked it. I don't think I even had major things to point out really. The beginning needs to be a bit more lean, you can work on that. I am not usually a fan of sentimental stories, but this one was pretty good.

Honestly, though, there was a moment when I thought I knew what you would do after he wrote the note. I seriously thought this was going to go down really, really badly. Like after he wrote the note and fails to kill himself, he finds out about the girl swallowing the pills and tries to save her but she dies. And then the cops find the note or whatever and then they accuse him and he get executed or whatever. Sounds like something from a skanky film-noir Anyway, I had to get that out.

But good job on this overall.

-J.S.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 12
Mattlj25
Posted: February 21st, 2014, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
New


Picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Location
The writhing south.
Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey J.S.

There definitely was a moment where it all very well could've gone that direction lol. I actually thought about killing them both off. But I don't normally write sappy feel goods, so I made it a point to stick with my original outline.


Thanks for the comments!
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 12
J.S.
Posted: February 21st, 2014, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
204
Posts Per Day
0.05
In that case, I am excited to read what you normally write.

-J.S.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 12
Kb679
Posted: August 6th, 2023, 9:05am Report to Moderator
Guest User



There’s too much exposition you needed to show that Maggie has autism instead of telling us through dialogue. Also how did the mother die? That’s not explained.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 12 - 12
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006