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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Bedlam Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 21st, 2014, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bedlam by Norman Harris - Sci Fi, Fantasy - The discovery of an ancient alien technology sets off a chain of events that brings the world and its inhabitants to the brink of destruction. 117 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  February 23rd, 2014, 1:24pm
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rendevous
Posted: February 22nd, 2014, 1:28am Report to Moderator
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The first page wasn't so bad. Well, till about halfway through then this justifed text business kicked it, which made it extremely difficult to read.

I've been called old fashioned, and frankly a lot worse, but I still say having the text flush on the left is the right way. It ain't a newspaper.

R


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TonyDionisio
Posted: February 22nd, 2014, 3:35am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Hi Norman,

Right from the start of the script you have the voice of a child using adult words.  How exactly is this shown? If it is meant to be a voice over black then you should indicate it as such. Otherwise,  I would recommend removing it.

You begin with a deep space slugline and a date. Why is the date important? And if it is then you should show the date as a SUPER so the audience can see it.

A star in deep space,  yet it passes the moon and arrives at Earth? If it is a star then the moon and Earth are toast. The gravitational issues would be Armageddon. A light from a space craft may be more of what yoir looking for.

You are using "continuous" in your sluglines. I'm pretty sure that doesn't belong in there nor does most camera directions in a spec script unless it is entirely necessary to move your action forward. And then it should be used sparingly.

By the second and third page your actilon blocks start to read sloppy. I love Sci-fi and you may have a good story here but until you clean up the script I doubt many will experience it.

Good luck with the script.

Tony.
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rendevous
Posted: February 22nd, 2014, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TonyDionisio
You are using "continuous" in your sluglines. I'm pretty sure that doesn't belong in there nor does most camera directions in a spec script unless it is entirely necessary to move your action forward. And then it should be used sparingly.


I don't usually go around correcting people, especially not on here, but you're way off. There's nothing wrong with using 'continuous' in slug lines in spec scripts. It's not always necessary but it's not wrong.
Anyways, that's among the least of the problems.

I always like to think there may be a good story lurking in there and format isn't everything. It takes a while but it's not that hard to learn. Norman needs to get the format of this a lot closer to the accepted.

There's the stuff here and here that may help

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Ledbetter
Posted: February 22nd, 2014, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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rendevous is right

If the scene is moving from one location to another in real time, 'continuous' is actually the correct way to show the scene is continuing but in a different location.

If they were in the same location but moving within that location to different areas, you could use a mini-slug and do not need to show it's still 'continuous'.
Example-

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
She slowly walks into the hallway.

HALLWAY
To see the masked intruder wearing her Sponge Bob panties  

You know it’s happening within the same time frame so it’s not necessary to say it.

But in the opening sequence of bedlam, it depicts different physical locations, but the story is happening in real time.

Shawn.....><
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Guest
Posted: February 22nd, 2014, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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What if you have another scene that is occurring at the same time, but in a different part of town?  How would you format that?


--Steve
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Ledbetter
Posted: February 22nd, 2014, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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If they are happening at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME, I believe a SPLIT SCREEN or an INTERCUT.

If it is in real time, then the same applies.  'Continuous' between the scenes.

Shawn.....><
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TonyDionisio
Posted: February 22nd, 2014, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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If it's happening at the same time you can use SAME.  As for CONTINUOUS it is allowed in sluglines,  I stand corrected.

However,  most spec scripts should be written clearly enough to understand the writers intentions. If not, you may have other problems to worry about.

I think if the first scene is say DAY and the next scene is not,  say a different time (such as night) then it is assumed the scenes are continuing unless otherwise specified.

Tony.
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