Matthew Poste by Marco Falcone - Thriller - Matthew Poste, who assembles a team of 4, tries vigorously to take down notorious criminal Tristan Levi. However what he doesn't know, is that he's the criminal all along. 80 pages - pdf, format

Hi Marc,

your logline is kind of confusing.  I learned it's best to avoid character names in loglines unless it's a historical person, like Abraham Lincoln for example.  You should try and give us a very short description of your protagonist --selfish, coward, psychopath, alcoholic, drug addict, etc -- or in this case, a cop, or some kind of federal agent... or something.

Which leads me to your first 10 pages.  I had no idea what was happening, but at the same time I was intrigued enough to read those 10 pages.  You open up the script with an office, with people sitting around a table, and Matthew entering this office.  The scene isn't very specific or descriptive.  You don't mention what kind of office it is.  It could be any type of work place for all we know.  We have no idea who these people are, and then we cut to them tailing this Tristan fellow... for a whole 10 pages... and we have no idea why.  And it's not until the 10th page that one of your characters mentions that they didn't have the opportunity to arrest this Tristan guy.  Now it appears that Matt and his crew are cops.  I think a lot of the dialogue is bad and this opening goes on way too long, but I would be lying if I said I didn't care to see what happened next.

I'm gonna stop at page 20, though, because I'm not really digging the script too much.  I do like the mystery in the first few pages, but the dialogue isn't popping for me.  The characters aren't standing out.  That Mexican stand off in the café had potential to be a really awesome scene but it was over way too quick.  Why?  You can have people on the edge of their seats with a Mexican stand off... but you really blew the opportunity.  Definitely should have milked that one more.

Hope I helped a bit.  Wish you luck.  


--Steve

Marco,

In reference to your logline. The protagonist reveal that he is actually a criminal is not a good idea.  While I didn't read the script,  if that is indeed a reveal, then it is important that under no circumstances should it be included in the logline. Save those precious reveals. Instead include an objective like  he must achieve before something bad happens.

Gl.


Tony.