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  Author    The Established Depression  (currently 2960 views)
Don
Posted: March 12th, 2014, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Established Depression by Alex Brauck (PrussianMosby) - Short, Melodrama - Author Julian's workflow is depressive when inevitable singularity occurs.  9 pages - pdf, format


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Forgive
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Hey Alex - good to see some more stuff up from you.

This doesn't work for me, sorry to say. It's hard to read, and I get you have ESOL, but there's a lot of formatting issues too.

On the story though, for me it starts in the wrong place, and on the wrong person - you opener is a key moment, and you go with Frederic, about whom the script is not about. I'd go for Julian leaving the room as a start, giving a view of his 'paper world' - visually I think that would work better and would be a little more intruiguing.

On his post-depressive rise -- there's really no moment in the script which indicates his 'lowest point' - so I don't know what really compells him to want to turn things around and then do so.

The end had me scratching my head a little bit too?

Sorry I can't be more positive on this one, but best of luck with it.
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MarkRenshaw
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Hello Alex,

Ah the depressive state of the frustrated writer. It's a good subject to focus on but it didn't work for me. It was long, depressing (a story about depression doesn't have to depress the audience and this did for me, it can still be entertaining and make the audience want to see more) and monotonous.

I didn't understand why he was depressed, did he have writers block? Had he been rejected so many times he'd simply given up? What? What was it that was causing this? I couldn't work it out from the script.

Why was he avoiding the neighbour, why did he give the old guy some money?

As the guy above me says, where was his lowest point and what made him turn himself around? There was no key moment, just looking at yourself in the mirror isn't enough really.

Then suddenly the dialogue, him talking to himself. People in real life rarely talk out loud to themselves so when I see this in a script quite often it appears awkward and just there for some exposition and it feels wrong. I also didn't know what exactly Julian had done to fix the problem. I get he was writing about depression, something he was familiar about but having an idea and a title is not enough, we wanna be writers get ideas all the time. The hard part is turning the idea into a finished draft and getting it produced. If all it took was a title to have a happy ending I'd have several happy endings every day.

As for the writing style in this it was overly descriptive for me, more suited for a novel than a script but I do realise some of that is personal taste.

There was a nice moody vibe in there though, I think if you could strike more chords with what writers go through and make it move obvious what Julian is experiencing, the turning point and what Julian ultimately has achieved this may turn it around.

Best of luck with it.

Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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NickSedario
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Gotta say, you definitely have a knack for writing prose.  As for the story itself I'd include a lost love interest.  Something to spice it up maybe.  Hope that makes sense.  But again I'm impressed with what you've written thus far.  It's lacking something though.

  
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PrussianMosby
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SPOILERS START

Hi readers, I'm glad you're here.

This script has got some major concept problems, better said difficulties.

It's a script, I was knowing from the start, with a target audience at about 20%. It's melodrama and a very slow one.  Furthermore- writers usually don't like to read scripts about writers. So, the rate goes more and more downwards...

I still published it
to show up to viewers which singular things we writers do and go through to accomplish something at least. The play claims and defends our respect of clichéd opinions that we're only daydreamers, people which walk along with our arrogant creative heads in the sky without a deep worth inside society and a sense for work.

For me, writers are hard workers, even when we sleep we build connections to what we write. On vacations we sometimes can't relax when our work suddenly confront us in an unexpected way.

I realized that some readers feel my script hasn't a lot of entertainment factor. I respect that without any doubt. Yes, there are no big plots, emotional turns, key scenes. It results from the message I want to deliver and, for sure, stand in the opposite to what readers expect for an enjoyable screenplay. As I said, I was sure to lose a lot of readers here. Maybe, it's also very bad executed at all and not just a result of the missing tension and entertainment stuff.

Some users stated, how partly annoying, long, boring, slow paced, this script comes across. That was exact what I aimed for. The viewer should feel the same as Julian does. The readers precisely mirror Julian's confrontation.

I can't and don't want to compare my script to a work like About Schmidt, but  it's a good example how a script can play with us by annoying, by negativity, by watching Schmidt staring against a wall.

The point to unfetter this negative confrontation and turn it around in an organic kind of valuable experience is difficult. I hope I didn't fail here COMPLETE.

For those who think Julian is depressive himself, that wasn't what I wanted to bring across. When he starts a project- there's an established depression- a depression which can be seen as the economical meaning of the word depression, a point zero. It's a fake depression which his singular workflow brings inside his life. He faces it – and he faces it more in a melancholic way as he always will; he knows how to handle- and accept it as unavoidable. Yes, he is affected by the workflow's depression, he's human, nevertheless it's not new to him- it's more than usual for him to face that point zero.

Of course, there's no excuse for my part here, for not bringing this on the page.

SPOILERS END


What an irony it is that just a writer can write about a writer...


@ Simon

Hi,
Yes, the opener is not what it should be. I think there are two possibilities to make it better. Either, as you said, give the first scene to Julian, or cut down Frederic's profile, his description, and the focus on him to better identify him as supporting role.

With the lowest point- It's a part of the concept. He's not compelled to turn, change anything. The point is that he knows he's at the "workflow's" depression. He's experienced in it, but- he nevertheless runs through this singular workflow again, there's no other way. And there's no magic moment which comes to him; it's waiting, drinking, reading, cleaning up, thinking, to the point he starts to write again, gets productive- it just happens. He/we even can't recognize how slowly productivity starts to come out of this familiar singular struggle inside the stumbling workflow, and at least it shows up that the true work and the productivity already started by facing the "workflows" depression from the start. That facing brings him to the position and smoothes the way for finally finishing a manuscript. So, It's all same important. No low point-high point.

I have to admit that this seems to be not as good delivered and developed as it should be.

Yes, I'm not pleased with the end, too. I wanted to make my message round with this Singu Larity call. It's too bold, to wannabe take influence and unnatural.

Thanks for the insight Simon.

Hey, can you send me a few keywords of the format, language Problems, please? I know I need to improve, so it's important to registry the major issues .



@ Mark

Hi,
your first block is what I intended you to feel, as said in the spoiler. I missed to develop it the way that you see it as a valuable experience. The burden of those feelings finally simply has to fall from your shoulder again as it does for Julian. I failed here. But at all: It's not everybody's thing, for sure. I can understand that.


No writers block. He's just not a "super-talented" writer. Better said, he has to work harder, his creativity and inspiration, isn't very strong and didn't fall from the sky. He is the 90 percent of writers- type who has to work hard for his bread. Not the kind of talent which has thousand things plopping out. He needs the world of paper again and again. A discipline system which works for him.

The depression is more meant in the sense of stagnation, a point zero he faces in every script he writes in his life. Look at the metamorphosis of the world of paper, the same happens to his apartment again and again and again. His singular hard System is established. It's not a special point. He will live everything again the next time.
The neighbor – Julian feels ashamed. He feels not fine in the situation that his work has to start at zero another time. It's an unconscouis intentinal move that he steps out of Marc's view which mirrors his inside, insecure.

The old men- wants the rent.  It has to come through. Another fault of mine.

Yes, no key moment. He's a hard working writer. The singularity of his workflow is finally his friend, his way.  No key experiences. changes, just a row of habits he goes through every script he writes. That's important for me to get across. Look at my reply to Simon (sorry), he saw it almost same as you did. So, sure it is my fault here. I'm clear about that I didn't bring it on page.
I thought the dialogue and the end at all is clever to help the message of the script. It isn't the right way to do it like that, out of that it's bad executed. I have to make it better.

Julian didn't have to fix or solve a certain problem; at least, he even hasn't got a problem, but he don't understand it himself, because the stumbling workflow, which confronts him for another time, feels wrong, but it isn't: The established point zero till the point he prints out a new script- it's his work. His way of repairing an engine, building a house... just hard, hidden as a fake depression, which is a more economically kind of depression.

When Julian looks into his eyes, and later smiles to the neighbor, it shows up that he understand what he has done once again, but only at exact this point he found a way out of the workflows depression, the monotony. At this point he knows who he is and what was/is necessary for producing another manuscript.

No wannabe writers here at ss. Time is what you do. So, you do.

Hey, I explained a lot of points how it wanted to be seen, how it should work. But fact is, since now, that it hadn't. period.

Your reader's opinion is the important one. What I see etc. isn't interesting in any way.
I will have to give you the things you search for or develop my message better. The difference of should and be is too big here.

Thanks for given me your impression and input.


@ Nick

Hi,
so prose means the sentences have a good focus and serve the purpose they're meant for? That's what I would denote as good prose.

Still, it's overwritten. I usually write staccato add with less variation of prose. But since I'm here, I don't know, pick up genres and themes where I end up with a lot of prose writing. I fear to get misunderstood in case of the mood if I do it different and tend to decide for the "more information kind of sentence".

Yeah the love interest advice felt a kind of odd in first place. But at the second view, I guess? to understand what you mean and it's a big point.
Do you feel Julian is much like a machine, because the surroundings, his biography in case of the private sector, the second life out of his profession writing, isn't existing?
If so, I agree, he's very linear. There must be a confrontation of these both lives. The exchange with Marc, his neighbor, is too superficial to show up his behavior as a human, who has got relationships, too, he simply must and need to have some.

I've read all your mini shorts. I liked them all; out of the time traveler one. I was hoping you build up a connection between the Somali Boy scripts, too. I will send some impressions.

Thanks for taking your time.



Hey, for all of you and the peops who will join here later. I'm glad that you came here and will return the favor. So, call me/send me pm which scripts you want me to visit. Feature, short whatever.


THANK YOU, DON AND THE PEOPLE WHO ENGAGE FOR MAKING THINGS POSSIBLE AT SIMPLYSCRIPTS.


No End of Wolves   (9p - psychological horror)


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PrussianMosby  -  March 15th, 2014, 8:58am
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NickSedario
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^ I suppose I suggested add a love interest as it would light a fire under him and give him a muse.   A lost love interest would provide pain, which can be even a greater muse.   And it would add some emotion/drama.

God know us writers need that from time to time.
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PrussianMosby
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A muse provides pain which is a vessel of the author's view and philosophy to handle things he does. Hard. I couldn't connect something as deep from the love interest advice. How true this is. Lost in lifes deepness.

Thanks for having spoken that out and for the way how you did. I was seeing the tree, not the forest, here.


No End of Wolves   (9p - psychological horror)

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J.S.
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Alex,

I don't believe I've read anything by you before. Is English not your first language? If so, I can understand some of the mistakes in this. You have an extensive vocabulary too, btw.

Below are my notes, things that really stood out as I was reading, followed by my overall thoughts.

"He juts his chin forward, and stares up to the perforated ceiling tiles. "

-- I'm confused. Wouldn't he jut his chin back?

I think you'll find the below reads better:

Quoted Text

With a marker he writes down "DEVELOPEMENT" down



"He puts the manila envelope in the desk drawer."

-- Is there only one drawer? Or "a" drawer?

You don't need the CUT TO: if you indicate LATER:

Your slug INT. LOFT APARTMENT and HIS ROOM confused me.

"shattered sheets" ? scattered?

"He raises his arm as if he's willing to throw the book
away. Slowly his hand goes down and lays Hemingway at the
place beside him."

-- You need to fix this: throw the book away, meaning, in the waste basket? What "place" beside him? You mean on the couch?

"The seating area is left alone." -- The couch? The living room is empty?

"Julian, same clothes, picks up the bottles at the table." -- On the table, not at the table.


"Julian sits on the couch, his look seems to fix a point in
his apartment, moments elapse, and his head turns in
another direction, moments elapse... "

-- Do you mean "time lapse"?

"Julian grabs Hemingway's "The Old Man And The Sea"" -- Julian has great taste in literature methinks.

I like your wildly gesticulating old man.

"Julian sits in front of his laptop. He reads an article
about global warming. He closes the window and stares at
his laptop's desktop background image: It's black. "

-- Break this up.

"appears from nothingness a comment" -- Fades in, is what you're looking for.

"He cleans and mops." -- Just mops.

"He removes the collections of alcoholics in the kitchen."

-- I love this line Not what you intended, rather what I imagined. At first I thought he had a collection of dozing alcohol men that he picked up somewhere and just dumped in his kitchen. I guess you could call them his "character studies."

"He sits down on the couch, and takes a new book out of the
bag. Reads."

This probably needs to be broken up.

Okay. I think I got the jist of it, overall, and dare I say I liked it. But it needs work. You could probably take some things out and replace them with better things.

Maybe do less cutting between days and take us through a really long and frustrating day of the writer? Maybe move the pacing up, faster and faster, as he begins to actually work instead mope around? I think that would really have the heart and soul you want this piece to reflect. But I have to say, I get a sense of the style you're going after and I enjoy it.

Also, on that similar thread, are you by chance Hungarian?

I read your response above and thought I would chip in.

"It's melodrama and a very slow one." -- This is the aspect of it that appeals to me. So I think I'm part of that 20%

All the best.

-J.S.
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Quoted from J.S.
Also, on that similar thread, are you by chance Hungarian?


I believe he's German.

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Let The Sky Fall

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Hey Alex - on your formatting... CUT TO, should be CUT TO: and in a spec script these are normally left out, as they're editing instructions and debatable. Your CUT is a FADE/DISSOLVE, as you're implying a passage of time, and CUTS often represent continuity in time. You then (p1) cut to LATER - your LATER satisfies here, so the cut's redundant.

P2. You have HIS ROOM; and this is a mini-slug. It's a tad confusing because your previous full slug has Julian INT. to the loft apartment (which normally don't have stairs in them...), but your mini would be JULIAN'S ROOM, or other identifyable.

If you ever get confused with slugs, then take out all the action lines (a breakdown), and ask if it still makes sense - it should do - and HIS ROOM is vague without the action lines.

Bottom of p2. you go for a full slug on Julian's bathroom -- Apartment is the principal location, so if you go for a mini on 'HIS ROOM' then stick to that for all locations within the primary location.

ANOTHER - is neither a location nor a passage of time. You'd be as well using a montage for these sections.

I'm not aware that 'Focus On The Calendar' is legit - you can use INSERT for this kind of thing.

p7. You use APARTMENT as a slug, but if we're in the bathroom, then we're already in the primary location, and we know that the primary location has sub-locations, but we don't know which one he's actually in, in this case.

I'm not a format nazi, but it's important not to confuse. Hope this helps.

Simon
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StevenClark
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Hey Alex,

I'm not entirely sure why I liked this but I did.  I'm gonna have to say it was your ending.


Quoted Text
The picture of Julian's loft, the world of paper, freezes for awhile.


I like the visual, the way it's worded...Maybe just me, but that part worked well and it's sort of one of those things where you're like, "well WTF did I just read?" and then the end hits you and gives it all some meaning.

Now, don't get me wrong here, there were several formatting miscues, and things need to be tightened up a whole lot.  It was kinda like reading the same thing over and over -- I get it, that was probably the point here.  But I think you can do it in a different way that doesn't make this a tedious read.  I can see how some would be turned off and would bail out early on this. However,  I believe as time goes by you'll certainly find your way.  

This is promising.

Steve


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What a bold and strange little short. I like it. Hehehe.

This one seems to be all about tone. What it feels like to be a writer and feel lost. Creating worlds but having no control over the real world. The writer seems lonely. No friends besides the bottle. No clear sign of inspiration,  just the blank page.

With the calendar, it's like he is following a planned regiment. That, if followed, will lead to a completed work. In this case a script.  The writer's prescription is to hate themself for most of the year and write the rest. What a black sense of humour you have, my friend

So not much happened. He struggles to write. we briefly encounter the publisher.  The reader who simply tosses the scripts in the trash. He cares that little over a writer's struggle.

I'm not sure what it was all leading to. Like I said it seemed more focused on tone or mood and theme. You described the struggle well. The feeling of depression definitely came across. On these levels, this is a good contemplative internal short.

SPOILERS. ?

I haven't read the other comments yet. But the end. Well. I may be waaaaaay off but the author's name seemed to suggest something. SomethingTWILIGHT ZONE big. His name is Singularity. So is the writer a cyborg? My understanding of the singularity is when even simple computers possess intelligence greater than the whole of human history. Like we'll probably encounter in the next decade or the next.

If so the debate would be can these computers create art? Is this what separates us from them? So... computer observes writer behaviour, simulates it, copies the behaviour,  and whammo writes a script. This twist definitely complicates the subversive nature of the earlier pages. If I am on the right trail, wow, good idea. Flesh it out and foreshadow it more. If not, well, maybe the author uses a pseudonym suggesting the aforementioned.

Nice introspective and moody tale of the creative struggle.

You always twist shit around and convey a  unique view. I love that in your writing, keep it up.


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PrussianMosby
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Hey J.S.,

thanks for stopping by.

Simon is right. I'm from Germany.Not far away. Let me know if the context of your call Hungary/middle Europe is important to you, feel free to chat something.

The formatting points are very helpful, and I can say, even your tendency and questions in case of my original intention are correct. I see that most problems are quiet similar; the precision of the descriptions, especially in case of places and directions.

I name the few things I'm still not sure if I get you right:

"his look seems to fix a point in  
his apartment, moments elapse, and his head turns in
another direction, moments elapse"

I wrote: moments elapse
You've asked if I meant: time lapse

My aim was to show that Julian's head/look rests for about 3-4 seconds in same stiff position. He does physically nothing, but that, he does in normal motion. It was important to me to accentuate this shot as slow and so I wrote down the supplement. I preferred the word "moments" in opposite to "time or seconds.", my choice was in case of esthetic, for sure subjective. So the term elapse is wrong? Do you have the right terms here? Is it seconds pass by?

The calendar –
What I miss in the term "fade in"-   where is the connection to the material, the paper the calendar is made of, where the comments finally start to fill the input fields.
I don't think I've done that part good anyway.
Nevertheless, isn't "fade in" to rough in this context... more of a final draft kind of usage here


Ok, coming to your content related opinion. For sure, glad you liked it. Replacing things of Julian's workflow is the direction I definitely go with. There must be more drama anywhere and other different interesting subjects of his workflow.

I have a kind of problem. I needed an end of this script and the singular Author's lifestyle. By now, the end is meant and leans on to the idea with the day of self-hate visuals. The end is very metaphorical and it wasn't meant as REAL. Unfortunately the dialogue implies that.

It's not clear that I just aimed for deleting his work to show up that his workflow ends with a pattern, model, another exemplary. It's not interesting what he really has written, he will go the way again. So, I replaced it by adding MY SCRIPTS TITLE and made the written by Singu Larity call. So it's a kind of the end of a circle. Maybe the producer will send him back to the start . Other than I think it is the right end, I'm not pleased with it in case of how I finally executed it.

So, coming back to the problem: I cannot let Julian handle the exact theme he writes about. If I would let him write about a prison break and show up his research work for example etc. the focus I want to bring on page – how he does live, when he works, the system– will be dangerously influenced by the subject he writes about. So, I can only show him in blanket, general conflicts. That's where Silverback's muse could save my...


Not sure about the all in one day idea. I could lose some of the painful lengthiness he's going through; perhaps I simply haven't got the imagination by now. The call with the pacing is super. Yes, he should go well more and more until his work finally flows.

Thanks again.


No End of Wolves   (9p - psychological horror)

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PrussianMosby
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@ Simon,

it helps.

Thanks for joining again and writing those notes. I'm just not sure about the ANOTHER – DAY. I thought about to accelerate completely, and not even mention ANOTHER only

DAY
NIGHT
DAY
NIGHT

I was afraid of doing it. So, I took this decision.
Finally, I understand you.

Still, I wanted to have the slugs short, fast cutting as the scenes would jump on screen.

And I have to avoid a further montage. It's too much.

Perhaps

LOFT – DAY
LOFT – NIGHT

is a kind of compromise, here


No End of Wolves   (9p - psychological horror)

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Quoted from PrussianMosby

Simon is right. I'm from Germany.Not far away. Let me know if the context of your call Hungary/middle Europe is important to you, feel free to chat something.


I was thinking of a Hungarian filmmaker's style that is somewhat similar to the one you have here. But then again, if I rethink this, my original estimation was inaccurate. But I still get the essence of what you're trying to do.


Quoted from PrussianMosby

My aim was to show that Julian's head/look rests for about 3-4 seconds in same stiff position. He does physically nothing, but that, he does in normal motion. It was important to me to accentuate this shot as slow and so I wrote down the supplement. I preferred the word "moments" in opposite to "time or seconds.", my choice was in case of esthetic, for sure subjective. So the term elapse is wrong? Do you have the right terms here? Is it seconds pass by?


If I'm understanding you correctly, I think what you, in effect, want is actually a beat.

For example:

"He turns from the mess on the floor to the bathroom.

A beat."


Quoted from PrussianMosby

The calendar –
What I miss in the term "fade in"-   where is the connection to the material, the paper the calendar is made of, where the comments finally start to fill the input fields.
I don't think I've done that part good anyway.
Nevertheless, isn't "fade in" to rough in this context... more of a final draft kind of usage here


It should be in the action line, I think that's what you probably got confused on. A more accurte term, I suppose, would be dissolves/dissolves into. For example:

"The calender is on the month of July.

A WORD fades/dissolves into the square of day 1."


Quoted from PrussianMosby

Ok, coming to your content related opinion. For sure, glad you liked it. Replacing things of Julian's workflow is the direction I definitely go with. There must be more drama anywhere and other different interesting subjects of his workflow.

I have a kind of problem. I needed an end of this script and the singular Author's lifestyle. By now, the end is meant and leans on to the idea with the day of self-hate visuals. The end is very metaphorical and it wasn't meant as REAL. Unfortunately the dialogue implies that.

It's not clear that I just aimed for deleting his work to show up that his workflow ends with a pattern, model, another exemplary. It's not interesting what he really has written, he will go the way again. So, I replaced it by adding MY SCRIPTS TITLE and made the written by Singu Larity call. So it's a kind of the end of a circle. Maybe the producer will send him back to the start . Other than I think it is the right end, I'm not pleased with it in case of how I finally executed it.

So, coming back to the problem: I cannot let Julian handle the exact theme he writes about. If I would let him write about a prison break and show up his research work for example etc. the focus I want to bring on page – how he does live, when he works, the system– will be dangerously influenced by the subject he writes about. So, I can only show him in blanket, general conflicts. That's where Silverback's muse could save my...


I'm vaguely understanding what you're saying here, so maybe I'm off the mark on my comments here. Are you saying the premise of the story that he finishes at the end is somehow related to the struggle he experienced during the writing process? Your ending is certainly brighter than everything that preceded it. I don't know what execution problems you are seeing. Do you want it to not seem too bright? Keep some sense of uncertainty towards his future after he's finished his work?


Quoted from PrussianMosby

Not sure about the all in one day idea. I could lose some of the painful lengthiness he's going through; perhaps I simply haven't got the imagination by now. The call with the pacing is super. Yes, he should go well more and more until his work finally flows.

Thanks again.


I should mention that I actually thought some of the painful lengthiness, sort of going about his routine, was what seemed to work, particularly for this kind of story, its mood. It reminded me, when I read it, of a film by Bela Tarr or Andrei Tarkovsky.

No problem. Keep up the good work. The more you write the better your English will become. See if you can pass some of your stuff to a German friend who speaks English and see if they can understand what you tried to convey, so that way you can get some opinions on what is clear or unclear.

-J.S.
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