Blood Oath by Marcello Degliuomini (Reel-truth) - Short, Drama - The bond of two brothers are tested as a late night meeting reveals a rat in the crew. 8 Pages - Pdf, format - pdf, format

I can see all the brother stuff going down.  It happens in that life.  Brothers have tried murdering each other over who they think should run things.  Sammy Gravano had his own wife's brother killed behind her back and never lost a bit of sleep over it.

As for "Blood Oath," I just think this reads too "same old same old".  Mob stories have been done to death and if you're not taking a new spin on it, then try something else.  Sopranos had Tony interact with a shrink and it made for some of the best scenes/character development.  They even made a stone cold gangster a closeted homosexual.  How often do you see that portrayed in mob films?

On a positive note, this is easy to film, so thumbs up on that.  

I just didn't like it, overall.  Sorry.


--Steve

I was a little confused at your opening. Is Pete the Man? If so, why capitalise 'man'?

Tang top? It's a bit slack having typos on the first page. Unless fashion has thrown up another new trend I missed.

Should be 'scraping' not scrapping.

Cannery? That puzzled me for a mo. I thought it might be new gangsta style slang I was unaware of. And then I realised you meant 'canary'. I would have facepalmed but I'm too old for that type of thing.

I'm done proofreading. I'll plod on.

Finished. I thought some of it was pretty good and some of it less so.

After reading Steverino's points, I have to mostly agree. There's nothing that new here which is probably the biggest problem.

If there'd been a drought of good gangster films, as there was in 1992 when Reservoir Dogs was released, this would seem fresher and worth filming. But presently it does feel all too familiar.

As many know, Dogs was heavily influenced, to be polite, by City On Fire. But Tarantino did shift the story from Hong Kong to the US. I'm not saying go lift a lift plot from Asian cinema. I'm saying you need something that at least seems more original.

And be careful with your typos. In the wrong spots they can ruin everything you've tried to create.

R

Initially my goal was to get a story under 10 pages. Seeing is how every other short I’ve written seems to  run ramped on page count. I wanted to get this one in that 8-10 page count. Which I did do, except for the fact there wasn’t much of a story here to begin with.

I tried to tackle a mob short. Something that I don’t see many ppl  posting up. I guess It’s because of the reasons you guys pointed out. It all feels like it’s been done before. Shame. I love mob flicks. I feel with the right actors you can make almost anything pop. But this story was lacking originality, I’ll admit. It was a shotty attempt on my part..  I’m in the process of testing genres, feeling them out, seeing which one I feel comfortable in.

Canary, Fucking bird. I would have figured that the celtx spell check would have caught that one for me. Now I’m curious to know what “Cannery” means.

Thanks for the read anyway guys.,
Marcello

RT

I think it's where they put stuff in cans. Hey, I've heard people called weirder things. Especially on other threads.

You can write and most of that dialogue wasn't bad. Keep at it. You've got the right idea. - Try and write something good that ain't gonna cost a lot.

I can't seem to get halfway through a short without throwing an ambulance in or some stunt that'll cost a grand or more.

R

Marcello,

Hey bud. I guess I have to agree with Steve and Ren here. Not too original, and typos galore. It did, however, keep me turning pages which is something most of your scripts manage to do. Good job. However, the payoff here was not worth it. Rather, it feels like a scene from something larger maybe. But you definitely need some more "pop" to make something like this work. As it is, the twist, the reveal leave much to be desired.

But good effort anyway. I know you can do much better.

Steve

I didn't like this one very much.  It was a dragged out cliche.  With a little work, you could easily cut two or three pages out this.

SPOILER SPACE
SPOILER SPACE

Isn't it kinda weird that Frankie, a mob boss would travel around without bodyguards?  Yet Frankie shows up at a warehouse (cliche) at midnight (cliche) to find out who the rat is in his organization (cliche) without a single bodyguard???  And he turns his back on the suspected rat (cliche) after he leaves a machete where the would-be rat could easily get it?

Wish I could say something positive about this script, but I can't (cliche).


Phil

I have to agree with everyone, this is all so "been there done that".

I think it would have been even more (cliché) if he did have his body guards with him IMO. The fact he’s alone, I felt gave him a more intimidating persona. Not every boss rolls with body guards, as most mob flicks depict(cliché). I wanted this guy to be like a Frank Costello(the departed). He only had frenchy with him. Pete was Frenchy.

Giving the fact there’s a rat in the midst, a warehouse is an ideal place to hash out a meeting. And  a good place to kill somebody. It felt like it fit. Where should he have held that meeting. A basement? A park? Perhaps the back of the bada bing? The location needed to be secluded and also a good place to clip a guy just in case he was a rat.

Midnight? It was actually 2 in the morning lol. But now were splitting hairs. For all we know that’s when his “guy” was getting his information.  And that time served the beginning scene better than if it was 2 in the afternoon. Because jimmy knew something wasn’t right.

I do agree with the knife thing. I was iffy about it. I figured the reader at that point forgot about the knife  I was hoping it would have came off as a surprise. As for him turning his back on him. I guess my thought process was that he felt secure with his loyal soldier Pete standing near by.  Maybe an air of over confidence on his part. I dunno. Like I said, I wasn’t too happy about it either.

I guess it was harder to do a mob story that didn’t come off as (cliché) than I had anticipated. It seems if you don’t right about homosexual gangsters or Capo’s seeing therapist, it’s all comes off as (cliché). My goal was to keep it under ten pages and dialogue driven. I had hoped that at least the dialogue didn’t come off as …what’s the word…oh yea…(cliché)

But i'll admit theres an elment missing in the story that could have gave it an orginal spin. I liked the title. I was trying to play with the whole "family" thing. Blood family against mob family. It's funny how sometimes it plays so much better in your head then when it gets down on paper.  I'll try better next time guys.

Thanks for the read
Marcello

i thought it was enjoyable other than the whole knife part. kinda fucked up his own brother is a rat though. didnt see him killing his brother