Just The Two Of Us by Anthony M. Dionisio (TonyDionisio) - Short, Romance - A young couple discusses their relationship troubles and plans for the future during their tenth anniversary. 10 pages - pdf, format

Hey Anthony;

Quite the metaphor here, intuitive dialog as well. Didn't really think about it till pg. 7.

*SPOILERS*

LOL, I seriously thought you were going to have two Genesis figures speaking to each other from across the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, simply because of all the tight camera angles, but this ending caught me out just as well.

EVELYN
OK, Adam, let’s go make some
Beautiful  babies.

I felt for Adam. I wasn't sure if they were already in a post-apocalyptic environment, or if they were building up a preamble towards one. I did get the fact that they were going to be (most likely) the ones who would re-populate the earth.

I say re-populate in a liberal sense, because even if their (Adam and Evelyn's) children are butt-ugly, disfigured mutants that rise up from the ashes, then they would be butt-ugly, disfigured mutants by whose standards? Certainly not Adam's!

Anyways, I liked this! Rick.

I liked this as well.

The dialogue was good, maybe a bit too much back and forth. But, I liked it.

I see what you did with the names. Personally I'm not that big a fan of stuff like that, but people seem to like it.

Good writing, good story, good twist.

I would be interested how this would look filmed with the pulling away. Would it be boring or would it work?

All in all, great effort.

Rick and Demento,

Thanks for the review. Any ideas where to cut some of the dialog?

Tony.

I got a little bored of all the dialogue by page 6... skipped to the end and it's a good ending. I imagine that the dialogue will run a lot faster during filming and the ending will make up for sitting through it anyway.

It's hard to know where to cut dialogue from due to the pacing. I know you would have paced this just so... I imagine you even want the viewer to get a little bored before being hit with the twist... which adds to the shock value.

Not sure how you're going to film them moving without giving away that she is on wheels though. Especially on a hill. Unless it's an electric wheelchair?

All in all though, this is a pretty decent story.

Thanks for the review, Dustin.

I appreciate that you liked the reveal at the end. I wanted to show the reader a couple that was stuck together since an early age and encountered the "relationship boredom" that anyone may feel.

Now they are faced with a new exciting chapter in their lives...  the outside world. But still, people cannot let go of what they hate about each other even if they love each other and are totally dependent on on another.

As for their physical defects,  they can both care less because they are all they know. I didn't think about them moving the wheel chair on the hill because the point was to signify their willingness to begin the next stage of their lives -- Childbirth.  And this somewhat frightens Evelyn as it does most people.

I was aiming for a Twilight Zone feel at the end. Did it work?

Thanks,

Tony.

Yes. The twilight zone feel is definitely there and always a favourite of mine which is why I like this story. I didn't see the twist coming not even when she was looking up, which made me think about the movement thing... but it could probably be gotten around... and should be very easy to film. Lots of dialogue to keep the actors happy and make-up for make-up people too... so some skills needed to make it, but nothing too heavy.

I'm in a long term relationship myself so can relate somewhat... fifteen years today actually... and I did get that too.

It has everything a short needs to have and hopefully someone comes along that likes the idea. Definitely one worth investing more time in. Good luck.

cool story but you do a lot of author intrusion .."Perhaps just a gorgeous natural landscape on a beautiful spring day." or  "her way of presenting her face as her favorite asset." and "suggesting Adam’s immediate location," are just to name a few other than that like the story. its a good one

also try to stay away from camera directions STILL FOCUSING ON --. me as a reader automatically assumed we was tight on Evelyn until otherwise stated in the decription.

ADAM
Sun screen?
(Adam laughs)
I’m not a vampire, you know.

you dont need to put Adam in their cause we already know he laughs. i know it sounds silly to add but the little stuff kinda gets me

Tony,

Hmm.  This was interesting.  It was not bad for a couple talking heads.  You write pretty good dialogue and it kept me in the story.  Probably could've kept me in longer.

I don't know whether to say your asides here are bad or good, but I will say that they were tasteful and didn't bother me.  Can't say that for all asides, unfortunately.  All in all, pretty decent work here.  The end reveal got me.  Didn't see it coming.  Was thinking more along the lines that Adam was a ghost or something, hence the OS dialogue.  But the way it ended up was pretty original, and that was refreshing.  Tired of that damn ghost stuff anyway.  

Well, you kept me turning the pages and that's a good thing.  Dialogue kept it going too, another good thing.  Be looking out for more of your stuff down the line.

Best of luck with this.

Steve

Once again,  thx for the reviews.

Ugo,

I toned back my "intrusions" as per your suggestions. Makes sense. Even adjusted a few camera instructions  to read more casual. I agree. I'm not a "camera guy"  in specs but I did need to include a few of them as reminders -- to move the story forward and deliver the ending reveal.
Good point on the Adam laughs... Changed that as well.

Surprised no one  commented on the lack of a colon after FADE IN. Fixed that too

Thanks for the positive feedback, Steve. I'll upload it when I get a chance.

Tony.

How's it going, Anthony.

So first up, I'm not a fan of the CLOSE UP or any of those screenwriting tricks.  I think they can hinder the illusion you're aiming to build.  From the description below the VERY CLOSE ON, you describe her eyes from a very close position already and since we as the audience can see and hear everything you write in your action lines, it would be safe to assume it's a close up.

I liked this story but the dialogue, while nice, stretched on for a bit too long.  I kind of started skimming it after page 5, reading the action lines and skimming again.  I recommend a cutting back on the dialogue and having some moments of silence.  I think silence in these particular romance/drama genres are underutilized.  It gives the audience time to read your characters and sort of decipher what they're really feeling between these exchanges.  This is all just a suggestion though.

In any case, good job.  Really enjoyed the ending.

Johnny