Ross Commons by Noah Taylor - Short, Comedy - Hoping for a quiet day at work? Don't bet on it.
35 pages - pdf, format

Noah,
Good God man! Did you spill liquid on your keyboard before typing this? You have caps issues that run into the body of your story from sluglines, no title page, and you fail to properly introduce characters before giving them dialog.

The logline makes no sense at all. Get some books on Screenwriting and try again. 34 pages is more like an act, not a short.

Gl with the script,

Tony.

Hey Noah.

Quite a few problems so I'll try to address as many as I can.

First off, your logline is a problem.  A logline should hook a reader in and the one you have is bland and really doesn't tell us anything.  "...day to day life of a bookmaker employee."  Doesn't sound riveting.

Make sure you have a title page.

Starting off a brand new scene with dialogue is not the way to go.  We as the audience have no setting to visualize or orientate us.  You also need to introduce your characters properly.  This would be done in the action lines that should have been after your slug.

Well interesting intro dialogue...I guess.  No action lines = nothing happening.  This could pretty much be a telephone conversation so you really need to include action lines in your scenes or they really aren't scenes.

I'll stop there.  Read some scripts here and get a feel for the craft.  Right now it's just not going to work.  Take care.

Johnny