Robert Dows :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hi Lee,

Read your script, and it was a good read- nice ideas and memorable characters.... I liked it; I think it’s a classic detective story with a bit more violence to the usual type. Cool!

There were some things that I picked up on: the main fault with the screenplay for me was there were too many twists, it got a bit too much, and you’d need the most fantastic director and editor to pull them all off. If you revisit your plot, try to simplify it a bit- otherwise the twists cease being so clever, and more a bit ridiculous.

There were very few typos- which is good, but I noted some in the dialog- ‘You’re supposed investigating the case’ (Kutchet) instead of supposedly and ‘brows’ instead of Browse. Tiny details, but I noticed them when reading.

I’m not entirely clear why you wrote the age and Caucasian after introducing each character in brackets. The age is useful- but certainly doesn’t have to be specific for small character roles, and I don’t think it’s necessary to state if someone is Caucasian or not- let the casting directors decide...

I like Kutchet’s character- I think the phone call about the cat was a bit much... Also on page 62- you include a nice bit about him saying listening to music whilst driving should be made easier (showing Kutchet as smart and intuitive), having him predict they should call it a radio is too far (Kutchet isn’t a fortune-teller- keep him real, ya know what I'm saying).

One aspect I think I would change is Masked man talking to the ‘Devil’ on pages 36 and 37, I don’t think the devil needs to be involved as motivation behind any murder- it’s a bit over the top for me. Also watch on the violence a little bit- lots who want to watch clever detective films aren't too into gore- keep a wide potential audience, if you can don’t make film into a horror in any form.

On page 40- Dows summarises what he experienced visiting the house as 'not much'- not so sure that he’d say that given he found a masked man, who he chased. I'd change that...

On page 44, I’d have Dowes voice-over after Kutchet’s dialogue (easier to follow). I like the idea of a voice-over leading before the new setting, but over the next few pages there were too many voice-overs in my opinion- it gets hard to follow and overdone. Also it took me a while to figure who Jaques was in the dialogue, given Lenoir was used in the description and Character heading- that’s more me being clumsy but you could make it clearer.

I think you should make Dupont a more multi-dimensional character- rather than just making him a bit of a tosser frankly. You could give him a reason as to why he acts like he does.

There’s some cliché lines like ‘damn it, Dows, you’re the best cop this city ever had’ and ‘you just don’t know when to quit, Dows’- frankly, I’m not a fan of these lines- I think they’re overused and overdramatic and not real- who says stuff like that outside films?

The Rachael/ Dows relationship puzzled me at first. I kind of understood it later on- but still I think you should give more reasoning other than Rachael being pretty and vulnerable, for Dows to really fall for her... She could actually do something which would melt a man’s heart. It’s your script- that’s just what I think would make that subplot stronger....

As I said earlier, it’s a good read. The street pursuits are superb- really enjoyed your writing style for them. Also, the crime scenes (what guns were being used as opposed to the bullets left behind, and the tyre tracks signature) was really cleverly put together and well worked. Dow’s a great guy and most certainly not a passenger in the screenplay; you have good protagonists- good work!

I do think having his name as the movie title is a bit uninspired- it worked for Forrest Gump mind- but I’m sure you could come up with a better one.

Anyway, take what you want from my feedback- and just keep writing. I hope you do well in your future, and thanks for writing this screenplay. Keep it up!