Fear and Fenrir by James Blanchard - Short, Horror - Two British archaeologists explore a strange tomb with a stranger secret.  9 pages - pdf, format

Here's my thoughts, which are of course just my opinion...

I'm a sucker for a good Egyptian mystery so was immeadiately pulled into the story and I liked the weaving of the two timelines.

A few pieces I'd look to tweak/improve.

1) I think the setting is a little confused... I think from reading it that it is meant to be in Egypt but you then you have Sumerian subtitles and I don't think they overlapped.
2) Lupani Priest threw me too for a mo, maybe better using  different term?
3) The idea that there are no wolves in Egypt may be technically accurate but recent studies show that the jackal is related to the grey wolf (so Anubis is technically a wolf diety). I think two Egyptologists would know this... may be too technical on my part
4) The paint age checker liquid, this really took me out of the script as it didn't seem real. I don't think such a thing exists - does it?
5) Some of the dialogue seems a little too wordy and unrealsitic, the bit about personalisation could be shortened, and in a few other places.

Overall good start, have a look at a revision to tighten and make it feel more real.

Anthony

Pretty interesting, I liked the story and the final scene. I don't know much about Ancient Egyptian mythology so you had me there. A couple things to keep in mind, keep a consistent tense.

Eliza kneels. (instead of Eliza is kneeling.)
-Eliza (40's)-Describe her right after you introduce her.
-occasionaly jots something in her notebook (present tense)
-He stares at her (pg 7)/boulder slides

Good.

Hi James,

Besides the points made above, I like the subject matter.
I'm currently interested in the large tomb they have found in Mexico which is larger than Chitzen itza.
Archaeologists are uncovering it as we speak and say it may take up to ten years to uncover. I recommend looking into it, fascinating stuff.

I will say this, get rid of the "continued" at the top and bottom of the page, also there is no need to number your scenes, that's the producers job.

I think you have a good story here, it just need a little more work. I would like to see another draft.

Lee  

James

Try to limit your blocks of prose to 4 lines at a time, 3 where possible. A?sholes like me are just going to piss and moan about it otherwise as being too cluttered and bulky

For example the opening two blocks of prose:

“ELIZA is kneeling by the the wall of the tomb. It’s dark -
she has her torch in her mouth, using the light to
illuminate the hieroglyphs. She’s in her forties, hair
just starting to grey. Experienced - she’s been playing
this game a long time.

In one hand she has some kind of measuring device, and a
pencil in the other, occasionally jotting things in a
notebook beside her. She’s wearing a forensic suit and
latex gloves.”

Could be rewritten as:

"Dark...ELIZA (40s) greying hair, experienced, in a forensic
suit and latex gloves, kneels by the tomb wall. The torch in
her mouth illuminates the hieroglyphs.

In one hand, she holds a measuring device, in the other,
a pencil. She occasionally jots in the notebook beside her."

- You’ll see that all the information is retained, just presented in a more fluent and economical way. I always start by describing the character and what they’re wearing (only if it’s vital to the story and here it is) as that’s what’s going to strike the audience first. Then move on to their actions.

ELIZA
This isn’t Indiana Jones, Robert,
try doing some actual work for
once.

- Maybe I’m being pedantic but this line read like you were just looking for an excuse to name drop Indiana Jones. I mean, why does she snap at Robert like this? He only said there was good stuff where he was yet Eliza tells him to start doing some actual work before even checking out what’s he’s talking about. Bit?hy or what! And, as it turned out, he wasn’t lying, he had made an interesting find.

ROBERT
There’s customisation, Eliza, and
there are non-sequiturs. And
don’t bother making a
social-networking joke,

- I guess I’m slow here but what social networking joke is she not bothering to make?

I like the series of insets on page 3 that dramatise what Eliza is interpreting from the hieroglyphs, clever visual touch.

ROBERT (OOV)
Everything about this place is
odd. The more I think about it,
the odder it gets.

- I’m thinking (OOV) should be (OS): off-screen or (OC): off-camera. OOV is more of a TV term. No big deal anyway.

“He raises his torch to the phial (Eliza comes to look at
it too). The liquid fizzes and turns a green colour.”

ROBERT (cont’d)
About 4000 to 3000 BCE.

- I don’t know anything about this process but is that how they date paint? Is it done that quick, there and then? I always imagined they would have to bring it back to a lab or something. I can only assume you have researched it.

“She throws her torch to the floor in frustration, puts her
hand over her mouth as if to hold it in.”

- Doesn’t the discovering of wolf imagery and a Germanic alphabet inside an Egyptian tomb make it a fairly significant find already? Should she be this disappointed?

ELIZA
Get what? Confused? Annoyed?
Curious? Maybe you’re happy to
sit and not do anything all day,
and because you’re young you
think nothing’s worth bothering
with, but some of us want to do
the job we’re paid to do.

- Maybe I’m being hard on her but she is coming off as a real bit?h to Robert at this point. Maybe this is your intention, to show how long she’s been doing this and how desperate she is to make her mark in her field. Perhaps her career has been a lengthy but unspectacular one so far.

LUPANI PRIEST
(Sumerian, subtitled)
Because non wish to see what must
be done. Even a goddess.

- Missing an “e” in “none”

“She’s a skeleton!”

- Effective scary moment. I’m wondering was the vision of the girl (with skin) only through Eliza’s point of view or did Robert see her too? I know he points it out initially but he could’ve been referring to the skeleton which in itself would be a shocking discovery. Either way, she’s after really breaching the archaeologists code  by tampering with the skeleton and turning it dust?

Nice little switch at the end with Eliza assuming the place of the little girl in the ritual/sacrifice.

Some interesting stuff here, James, it’s quite a specific world you explore and lends itself to a lot for suspense and intrigue. I mean, who doesn’t like to follow characters around a spooky, unexplored tomb. In terms of the actual story though it does feels underdeveloped, incomplete. You leave us with so many questions, namely the one that troubles your two characters in explaining the anomalies of the wolf and runes imagery imbedded in the hieroglyphs of an Egyptian tomb. How did these writing get here? Who wrote them? Why?

So it does feel like you have some cool ideas, lots of places to take it which are simply not done justice in a mere 8 pages. I don’t expect a script to answer every question in poses, I like some ambiguity but unfortunately this answers none whatsoever. However, you can take all this as back handed compliment since it shows I was engaged in the story and wondered where it was going to go. Yes, it concluded in a dramatic way but not a satisfying one. It deserves more.

Oh, and I’m wondering where the title comes from?

Col.

Hi James,

I echo what's already been said about the blocks of text and past/present tense.

I too was engaged in the story but felt dissapointed at the end (did it actually end? - I was unclear).  You set the mystery up well but don't give anything much in the way of answers. I'm all for the audience thinking a bit and coming up with some theories themselves but you need to give them something to work on. As it was this reads more like a first episode in a series with a cliffhanger ending.

Good stuff though, had me interested.

Mark