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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Sun Burn Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 4th, 2014, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sun Burn by Jonathan Clancy - Short, Horror - A trip to a friends cabin turns surreal, as a young woman struggles to maintain her health and sanity when exposed to the sun’s heat. 17 pages - pdf, format


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Tom Cynova
Posted: May 5th, 2014, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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Tom Cynova’s Review of:


“Sun Burn”
By Jonathan Clancy
clancy_jonathan@yahoo.com


*What I enjoyed about the script:

- Original concept with the sun

- Formatted correctly

- Reads smoothly and crisp

- Good use of images, verbs, and descriptions

- No use of distracting camera cues and focuses entirely on the story

- Could easily envision the scenes and the characters

- Likable and believable characters by their personalities, behavior, and choices

- Enjoyed the style and pacing

- Great control and understanding of the story and it’s details as well as the genre and establishing a horrific vibe

- The choice of where to enter and leave scenes, flows well and keeps the pacing refreshing

- Paragraphs were light and significant, where most writers tend to flood the page with blocks of information

- The description of when her skin was coming off with her hand made me cringe, the lotion turning pink… *shivers*, and the bathtub scene ugh! Imagining Penny drag herself along the wood of the pier… Great job on these scenes

- The juxtaposition of many of the scenes is fantastic

- Great job putting us into the experience of each character with as few words as possible and bringing it to life, this really helped me stay immersed in the story even more as the plot unfolded

- Dialogue is clear and significant, no exposition or drag

- The scene of Penny and Connor making love is handled perfectly and the conflict of experiences each of them is having is explored very well. Penny’s experience especially. (probably my favorite scene for the conflict, how much was going on, and how much things changed in a short time)


*Personal notes, criticisms, and suggestions:

- Just a slight overuse of parenthetical's, especially when most of the dialogue is easy to understand how it’s said and the purpose, and can also be defined by the preceding and following description

- Parenthetical's generally don’t need to be capitalized

- I don’t like to compare anyone’s work to other’s, yet this story felt very similar to “Cabin Fever” with the tone of “Friday The Thirteenth” at the beginning of this script. Maybe the execution of some scenes particularly at the beginning could be done differently to explore this story

- Connor’s first line on page 2 has a “(CONT’D)” that isn’t necessary there, as the scene has changed as well as what he was talking about. I would also just remove all “(CONT’D)”’s unless it’s at a page break between a line of dialogue

- The plot of Penny and Connor’s relationship was very intriguing, but in the grand picture of this story, it didn’t serve or connect to the main story very much. It was great to learn about Penny’s interest in Rachel and her true feelings about Connor, but with a story at this length, and the original and interesting concept of the sun and it’s effect on Penny, I felt that time should have been used to further explore the primary focus of the story and the characters reactions to it, instead of the relationship. The characters are definitely interesting, but ultimately the details of them didn’t go anywhere and I’m left unsatisfied

- A lot was setup here, but not much was explored or resolved. It feels more like a beginning and the very ending, without much in between

- Overall this was an entertaining read. I like your style of writing. I loved how the story began and all that ensued. But the story feels incomplete. If it’s kept at this length, it will leave a lot to be desired. I would either extend it or replace some of the relationship plot to make more room for Penny’s experience and even invite some of her friends or boyfriend more into the experience. Perhaps let Connor see signs of it and begin to speculate or let the friends become frightened by it and worried by what Penny might do. Their reaction would have amplified the fear level and opened more doors to exploring this frightening and horrific phenomenon that’s happening to Penny


*My Overall Rating: 6/10  


"We create our own" - Moment

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Tom Cynova  -  May 6th, 2014, 1:10pm
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Posted: May 5th, 2014, 2:05am Report to Moderator
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Hey tom,

That was a great review.  Very specific, neat and orderly.

Keep it up!  And welcome to the board!
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stevemiles
Posted: May 6th, 2014, 5:20am Report to Moderator
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Jonathan,

I’m torn on this.  My initial reaction was that it needed more reveal for the reader to tie everything together.  I wasn’t sure whether Penny had an understanding of what was happening to her (the result of some unmentioned condition) or whether it was occurring suddenly and without warning?

The ending left me with the impression that rather than escaping, she was ‘returning’ to something -- either a physical state or environment (the water) she could live comfortably in.  Though it supports the idea she has an understanding of what’s happening, the reasons behind her reaction to sunlight are never explored and I’m left with questions.

Thought you very effectively captured the tone here.  Dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and the seeming normalcy of the situation plays well against Penny’s growing panic to create an underlying sense of something sinister at play.

On the other hand I wonder if it works as is?  Perhaps the underlying tension and Penny’s nightmarish ‘sunburn’ scenes are enough that the mystery isn’t foremost to the story?

There’s a lot more to this than I can put my finger on -- hoping you’ll chime in.

Minor niggle: peer should be pier.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Jonathan
Posted: May 14th, 2014, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry for delayed response, only found out about the thread board couple days ago. Very appreciative of your interest in the screenplay; the critiques as much as the compliments.

I understand there can be a thin line between scripts that are ambiguous and intriguing and just ambiguous and confusing, so quite interested to hear the interpretations. Fidgeting around with the script again, considering sections that might further emphasize the theme of the story.

Essentially the script is meant to be about a troubled girl struggling with isolation and depression, and the trauma she experiences as she tries to break out of that shell. Her mental anguish of being out and forced to interact with her boyfriend's inner circle manifests itself physically with the sun burn.

Eventually it gets too much, as she feels that she cannot please her boyfriend or break into his social circle. She feels alone and isolated with her problems, hence why no one else really sees the full impact of the burns. Her disappearance into the lake is her returning to her original state; safe and secure in her loneliness.

Will take on board all that has been said, and consider how these themes could be illustrated better without over explaining or spoiling the mystery of it.

Thanks again for the time and consideration put into the reviews.

Jonathan
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stevemiles
Posted: May 18th, 2014, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Jonathan,

good to see you’re around. Been a while since I read this so I’m working from memory here.  Though I now have a better understanding of the reasons for Penny’s reaction, her extreme sunburn and the way you presented it seemed to point more towards something supernatural/sinister rather than a physical manifestation of her anxiety.  Have to say I was hoping for something far darker behind her condition -- but that’s just me.

The ending in itself seems to support the supernatural angle -- otherwise what happens to her?  Where would she go from there?  Given your interpretation I’m left with two options, that either she drowned or is planning on spending the rest of the weekend in the lake.  

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Jonathan
Posted: May 19th, 2014, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah she essentially spends the rest of her life in the lake ha, there is i suppose a supernatural angle in the sense that someone's mental anxiety could manifest to the point that it breaks the laws of nature, circa a lot of early cronenberg films.
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