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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Transmission Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Transmission  (currently 1396 views)
Don
Posted: May 7th, 2014, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Transmission by John Robbins (OJOHNNYoNUTSo) - Short, Sci Fi - A determined father attempts to discover what happened to his kidnapped daughter out in the Alaskan wilderness. - pdf, format


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stevemiles
Posted: May 8th, 2014, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Johnny,

remember reading a version of this for an OWC a while back. Glad to see you revisit the idea.  Though this version retains much of the atmosphere and sense of mystery I’m still not sure it hits the mark.  

The location, main characters and motive (Bennet finding his daughter) are all engaging -- helped not least by some memorable descriptions (...’the most adorable girl to trudge this wilderness alone’).  But start throwing in otherworldly entities, landmines; Gayla’s strange behavior and a hefty time jump and the focus falls less on Bennet discovering what happened, than how Gayla's disappearance and transformation fit into the overall picture -- one that can’t necessarily find its feet in the short page count.

I do like the idea of the transmissions -- though I’m not entirely sure what part they play (other than providing that creep factor).  Bennet tuning into Gayla's voice in the final scene is a nice touch; as is the realisation he’s inadventently torturing his own daughter.

Much as I enjoy the read, I'm still left scratching my head.  Hoping you can give us an insight into where you’re coming from with this one.  

Notes as I read:

The ‘torture device’ seemed to get results in itself (thought the lower case ‘tap’ to upper case TAP was a great visual) so I did wonder why Bennet resorted to the close calls with the hammer?

p.3 -- Bennet becomes Daddy.

Can’t help but think the whole Mr. Tickles/tea party dialogue might not have the desired effect on screen.  Depends how you envision it playing out I suppose, though I’d think less dialogue here would be more chilling.

p.6 -- Do we need to see Gayla being escorted past the window?  Could be more of a twist to simply find her in the room with the picture alluding to her time at the cave.

p.6 -- ‘It ain’t mommy.’  Then what is it?  Do we see it then or just Bennet’s reaction to it?

All the best.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 8th, 2014, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the chop, Steve. Gazpacho Day redux, I mashed potatoes to see if I could squeeze a story out of it, guess I forgot the gravy.  


Quoted from stevemiles
The ‘torture device’ seemed to get results in itself (thought the lower case ‘tap’ to upper case TAP was a great visual) so I did wonder why Bennet resorted to the close calls with the hammer?


With the nature of the device itself, I thought torturing someone through auditory measures rather than physical ones would be different.


Quoted from stevemiles
p.3 -- Bennet becomes Daddy.


Whoops, didn't even see that!


Quoted from stevemiles
Can’t help but think the whole Mr. Tickles/tea party dialogue might not have the desired effect on screen.  Depends how you envision it playing out I suppose, though I’d think less dialogue here would be more chilling.


This was inspired by some shorts I seen years back on youtube called "Salad Fingers". If you haven't seen them, you should. Creepy funny.


Quoted from stevemiles
p.6 -- Do we need to see Gayla being escorted past the window?  Could be more of a twist to simply find her in the room with the picture alluding to her time at the cave.


I thought it would be a cool transition for a "missing time" element, with a bit of tension to boot, but maybe it comes across excessive.


Quoted from stevemiles
p.6 -- ‘It ain’t mommy.’  Then what is it?  Do we see it then or just Bennet’s reaction to it?


Just Bennett's reaction. I described it later, to kinda give relevance to Mr. Tickles and the ending, but I see what you mean. Kinda goes beyond standard issue.

Thanks bud, good things to think about.

Later,

Johnny
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SAC
Posted: May 12th, 2014, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Johnny,

What's up, bro? Just checked this out. I remember reading this awhile back. But vaguely. Reading again I find myself taken for a very good ride, but I don't know how I got there. Follow me? I guess I was just a tad confused with your timelines. Is this just me? I'm sorry if it is.

It's coming from the closet. --and you busted my chops on the use of italics! Sheesh.

Why tell us the machine is a method of torture. It's vagueness, I think, would make it all the more menacing.

Lets get started. Still one of my favorite lines from this!

...but one thing for sure, he's panicked.  A little aside there, but IMO it's just a little too cute.

The bedroom window displays pitch black. --why not just say Outside the window it's pitch black? I noticed thing like this throughout and it seems to be you're just trying to get overly clever with some of your descriptions. I think your writing is at it's best when you're straight and to the point. Your descriptions and choice of wording sets a really good tone, visually and in your dialogue.

Later on outside the cave you use...
                    EERIE VOICE
again, why not just use voice and describe to us how eerie it is? That might come across better.

Anyway, sorry I didn't follow it all the way through. But your end reveal was great, and if I didn't get lost I think that's a great knockout punch to end this with!

And BTW, your writing is really very good, John. Nearly seamless.

Steve



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SAC  -  May 12th, 2014, 4:51pm
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stevemiles
Posted: May 12th, 2014, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Johnny,

made it through two episodes of Salad Fingers -- oh boy, that voice alone will stick for a while...

Made me wonder if you could work a version of this into an animation?  Get the weird out and go for broke -- Neon Gay Transmission..?  

Oh, and big thanks for the read.

take it easy,

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 12th, 2014, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
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Steve,

Thanks for the kind words regarding the writing, especially word selection/tone. I've been playing with those combinations so I'm stoked it came across killer. But there are a few other things I've been messing around with that didn't come off so smooth.


Quoted from SAC
It's coming from the closet. --and you busted my chops on the use of italics! Sheesh.


haha! Bro, you used caps and italics. I didn't know if it was overkill or genius. It had me mixed because I know it's not up to standards, but it didn't look half bad on the page.


Quoted from SAC
Why tell us the machine is a method of torture. It's vagueness, I think, would make it all the more menacing.


Good point. It's on the nose, I just never cut it during the rewrite.


Quoted from SAC
...but one thing for sure, he's panicked.  A little aside there, but IMO it's just a little too cute.


I wanted to have the box playing over his voice, but it was he first time I've ever used the technique so I wasn't sure how to tackle it.


Quoted from SAC
The bedroom window displays pitch black. --why not just say Outside the window it's pitch black? I noticed thing like this throughout and it seems to be you're just trying to get overly clever with some of your descriptions. I think your writing is at it's best when you're straight and to the point.


I knew this line was going to bury me, but it's one of my favorite lines in the script. It's a reach from the norm, but I enjoy the visual. I think it says a lot.

The timeline was presented chronologically, then I shifted it around for the double twist. Thanks for the pointers man. Greatly appreciated.

Johnny
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 12th, 2014, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevemiles


made it through two episodes of Salad Fingers -- oh boy, that voice alone will stick for a while...

Made me wonder if you could work a version of this into an animation?  Get the weird out and go for broke -- Neon Gay Transmission..?  

Oh, and big thanks for the read.


I like to touch... Rusty spoons! Hahaha!

Dude, I'm starting to think that I won't get produced unless it's animated. I respect David Firth's work a ton. Even his satires are mesmerizing. Funny you mention Neon Gay, I started doing a comic of it and my wife threw away my pen for the sketch pad! I need to go buy a new one.

Yeah, I liked the script man. Good job!

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