Slip/Through by Daniel Viau - Sci Fi, Fantasy -  Not long after the hotels of the moon, the advent of SLIP/THROUGH technology takes tourism to other solar systems. These VEGAS OF THE STARS vacation hot spots are not free of crime. Drugs, prostitution,  and murder are ever present. Two opposing detectives (one, a complex android) track down the galaxy's most notorious serial killer. Complicated motives, hard boiled detective work, and gruesome murders are emphasized in this R-rated SCI-FI/NOIR. 115 pages - pdf, format

Glad to see you posted this instead of the Star Wars film. I read a few pages on my break at work. I see a lot here to fix honestly right off the bat.

1. The logline needs to be a sentence max in which to hook me with your story. Yours is too long and does more to describe the setting than anything else. Work on it, loglines are hard. Why not this or something like it? "Two opposing detectives (one, a complex android) track down the galaxy's most notorious serial killer amid futuristic space tourism."

2. Ditch the title card. As is, it adds nothing to your story. They work in Star Wars, because well, its Star Wars, but it doesn't help you here. Show me your setting, don’t tell me. Its lazy. I've only read the first ten pages but here's a suggestion. Why not open the movie with the lead flying in to the planet via a slipstream transport. Have him land is a scuzzy spaceport full of drugs and crime. Show us what it looks like right away, With a setting like yours you need to world build right away. So get to it.

3. Very Blade Runner I can see from the start. Its ok. Its been done many times before so be careful but there's nothing wrong with this, you're showing your world.

4. I don't know about Dash. You describe him with Errol Flynne looks. Why not just describe Errol Flynne? This just seems amateurish to me. Also a young or old Errol Flynne? Also, this is our first introduction to him and right now he seems more of a data collectionist than a detective. What I mean is the HUD is doing all the work. It’s all too easy. There are no obstacles in his way. By now we've seen the murder from the street view, We've seen Dash deal with the mess after, and now we see it a third time as the HUD plays it all back. This murder better be SUPER important later on to slog through it three times. My other complaint, the HUD's recreation is complete with dialogue too? How in the world would it know what was said going off of blood splatter and a broken table? Maybe he cold hack into a wall mounted webcam, or microphone in the fridge for all I know, but right now it makes no sense. If nothing else I could buy the HUD recreating the scene with no dialogue. You may be better for it too. The dialogue you have now needs work and without it you have some built in mystery for later. Also, Dash is an android. Maybe save that reveal for later? I feel like you are giving up too much too early. Leave some surprises for the audience as the film progresses.

5. Small typos here and there. For some reason you'll looks like you/ll in your script. Lots of numbers in your dialogue. Nine instead of 9 for example.

6. Is this the future of the 1930s? A 1930s apartment? I don't even know what that would look like. A record player and a radio in the corner?

7. The MTV style news. This sounds more like E! news to me. The "reporter" sounds more like some valley girl crushing on the latest hot celebrity instead of reading news about a serial killer. Is this social commentary? I see the exposition you threw in the news cast, but again this reads lazy to me. The newscast is too heavy on backstory. You can set the table, but don't eat the meal right away. (does that even make sense?)

8. Wilder. I read somewhere that when you introduce a character to the audience you get one chance to make a first impression. So always have your character doing something that shows their character right away. For example if your character is a boxer have them doing something tough, or if smart solving some kind of difficult problem. Right now all I'm getting from Wilder is that he's a lazy chain smoker. He may be. But neither is he interesting.

I can see you have good ideas here, but I also think this is a very early draft and needs work. What is your story? Ten pages in and I think this is a murder mystery so that’s good, but I really don't know how space tourism fits at all. Everything on every page needs to advance your story or else it doesn't belong. Right now the first ten are a mixed bag. Some good ideas that need to be polished to make the story shine.

As always, my two cents.

Thanks for the quick feedback on the first 10 pages, Cameron. I've got some good reviews on another site.

Film noir is really complicated for the viewer. I like that idea of being a step behind. I am hoping to create some confusion, but it's a hard balancing act.

I wonder what you'll think after the 1st action scene.

You brought up some valid points. There is a reason for the staging, and multiple points of view on the opening murder. It's aim is to show how easy a cyborg could analyze a crime scene. And how human analysis can reveal something else. There are some things AI cannot replicate.

I wonder if your questions will get answered and your worries quelled with further reading.

I agree with the opening titlecard. I added it after to help with the confusion. I was wondering if evey reader would need this knowledge up front. I'll probably excise it.

The Valley girl approach to the news is accurate and intended. I probably have to emphasize this differently.

After the action scene and the next murder I feel you might have a better feel where this is all headed.

thanks again for the quick advice. I appreciate it.

I hope you find time to read more. And I hope even more that you are entertained. Hehhe.

Just checking in to say I will gladly trade reviews if anyone wants feedback on a feature.

I'm curious what you guys and gals think of Slipthrough.

From the first couple of pages it looks good, well written. Really setting the mood. I like the tone. Sentences are a little clipped for my tastes, but it somehow fits the vibe, adds to that noir feel you're going for.

No idea on the rest of the story, but from the first couple of pages it reads very well. I'll give this a read when I get more time. I like to read straight through.

Slip/Through

Dan, you helped me a lot with my stuff here on simplyscripts, so I want to return with some hopefully useful feedback on your script.

It's an early draft. Always good to see a writer sat down for a feature script, starting from zero, only white paper on screen. It's a quality, and an ability to accomplish that.

Ok. Don't know how to start here... think about...


You have a lot of scattered parts here with which you could develop an interesting original feature screenplay.

As I pointed out with that sentence, the story needs a line. The world you show, where your characters live in, has to be drawn out to an understandable precision. Actually, you should end up in a "perfect" precision at your later drafts.

Therefore, IN MY OPINION, you have to keep the focus, and make us keep the focus, on only a few main themes. Concrete, stable, recurring points of identification.

What you show up here – is all new to us – and while we explore this world there are masses of erratic stuff which "I" couldn't easily follow.

So many subthemes come passive into the script, unfortunately, but typically for first drafts, within dialogues.



I felt like that I have to imagine what I DON'T SEE all the time. I had to listen to what the characters say, and then follow the context of their words, three steps away, into a world THEY HAVE SEEN, OR WANT TO SEE, and then return with those informations to the actual happenings. Just in my eyes – Every piece of that kind of storytelling should be transformed into pictures we explore (with them) or those parts don't belong to your script.



I don't want to go through all the things and themes concerning this point from above; because for me, it's here and there all over the script's pages. Except of the first ten.

So, I better spend my feedback for clearing up I strongly believe you need to find the line how you could tell your fanciful story           on the screen.

That said: I liked most of the characters. Syn, especially Dash. Saul could be a great fun factor too. Grace etc...no doubt

Just give them the best possible playing field.

The villains: Chan and before Sugarman are bad established.

There was an action scene on a roof top. That was the part I enjoyed much. That atmosphere and setting of a synthetic plant's garden was awesome. Saul's appearance of course. Big show.The intercut with the introduction of Dash and Wilder read fine too. The love scene was very fresh presented. There I felt you know the genre very well. "I thought that's what you came HERE for. To prick ME." LoL. Not to forget that I liked the hook, the beginning of the investigations, the door which they can look through because of the futuristic technique.

A small point of the hook was wrong. Syn has a lot of dialogue – you didn't describe her face, the mask. So, do we look over her shoulder all the time, from the side? That's not good. I remembered you first told us about her face and mask at 30 or sth.

But that's not what it's really about here:

I didn't understand the wonder, till the end I didn't. I also didn't see a slip/through which the script is actually titled. Man, but they talk about all that a lot, you know. They talk about the fog and virus, Genies, and travel industry, coins, and stock markets, whores systems.

There's also a lot of your worldview in it, political understatements where you compare their world with ours. That didn't work for me too.

If I were you, I would sit down and reflect the whole draft again. The possibilities for a story which is consistent in itself are given; the ideas seem to be endless. You have brought so many stuff on the table. I would decide now which story I really want to tell and go deeper inside. Then I would reduce the whole script on those things. The first pattern is there.

SCI-FI. A future world, on a dark planet with two moons, every human has more or less futuristic robot abilities. Sounds fine.

The question is:

Is this really the story where an (passive), from the script's side, "undeveloped" leader, Chan, wants to bring up the rich with a slip/through tourism to his Vegas strip and make money, while he hinders the population of the planet to leave and be part of the lottery again to see the Wonder like it was before, when capitalism wasn't established, and where there were just a fair sharing of recourses. Not to forget the fog, we never saw how Chan does this virus stuff and so on...

Maybe I was distracted of all the stuff and subthemes, but I really didn't see the wonder (was it just those colors, what is it?). I've not seen the slip/through, neither the lottery or the better system from before... IMO the main plot should be LIVE on STAGE

The action scenes you're good in. The style with the swords and everything's fine. The part robot stuff is interesting. You don't have to worry of that whole stuff.

Analyze how often your story is explained and forced by dialogue. A list can help. Reduce the themes and subthemes heavily. Find the storyline without anybody saying anything first. You have great ability in dialogue if you use it between clear connected plots. Like cream atop of a cake.


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It might look like a lot of negative stuff from my side here. It ain't. Things "how" you could make it great became visible. I think, you should see them with having some distance. So, that's what we mainly expect from an early draft?

Could be a huge clash of half humans on Minerva
after a huuuuge rewrite and rethinking of the whole story's focus.

I'm curious about if you do so and if you take the excavator or the shovel.

There is a great stuff anywhere within, I'm sure about that. We could further exchange on your script if you like.

PrussianMosby

thanks for the analysis.  You make some good points.

I have a lot complicated motives, plot points and themes. It was hard to balance the exposition. There is a lot of information. I'll have to streamline that. Chan's true motives will take further analysis.

I'm glad you liked all the action scenes. I wanted to make the brain work then take a break and enjoy the crazy action.

thanks again for the feedback