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- Chacter names are always capitalised first time they are mentioned in an Action line, so Lily, 7, peruses ... should be LILY, 7, peruses. - There's good use of dialogue and description in the action so I thought it flowed well. - I spotted where the story was going and what the twist was fairly early so you might want to disguise it more. - The bath scene... hmm I doubt you could film this, a little too dark imho maybe a re-write with something less graphic? - The camera and photographing his naked daughter, again too dark and unless you are impying he's got paedohilic tendencies I'd remove.
A good emotional story there. Had me confused and wondering where it was going, I was a little uncomfortable but found I couldn’t stop reading.
SPOILERS AHEAD
As previously mentioned the bath scene is probably not filmable and it goes a little too far with the picture taking. You had already set the tone with the stranger perfectly, you could achieve the same result with a more innocent scene.
But overall I really enjoyed it, a lovely little story with an ending that made me ‘feels’.
Best of luck, this has potential to be filmed on a low budget.
Mark
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