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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Stranger Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 14th, 2014, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Stranger by Byran Ferrol - Short, Suspense, Mystery - A young girl is tempted away from her mother by a mysterious man. 9 pages - pdf, format



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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 14th, 2014, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there... some thoughts and pointers...

- Chacter names are always capitalised first time they are mentioned in an Action line, so Lily, 7, peruses ... should be LILY, 7, peruses.
- There's good use of dialogue and description in the action so I thought it flowed well.
- I spotted where the story was going and what the twist was fairly early so you might want to disguise it more.
- The bath scene... hmm I doubt you could film this, a little too dark imho maybe a re-write with something less graphic?
- The camera and photographing his naked daughter, again too dark and unless you are impying he's got paedohilic tendencies I'd remove.

Good luck with it

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 16th, 2014, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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Hi Bryan,

A good emotional story there. Had me confused and wondering where it was going, I was a little uncomfortable but found I couldn’t stop reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD

As previously mentioned the bath scene is probably not filmable and it goes a little too far with the picture taking. You had already set the tone with the stranger perfectly, you could achieve the same result with a more innocent scene.

But overall I really enjoyed it, a lovely little story with an ending that made me ‘feels’.

Best of luck, this has potential to be filmed on a low budget.

Mark



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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