SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 18th, 2024, 11:41pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Liminality Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Liminality  (currently 1907 views)
Don
Posted: May 15th, 2014, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
Liminality by Lee Cordner (leegion) - Horror, Thriller - In a town where ghosts begin to appear, a man discovers himself at the epicenter of a supernatural revelation.  89 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Guest
Posted: May 17th, 2014, 12:24am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
712
Posts Per Day
0.14
Hey Lee,

some general notes first:

Get rid of the "BEGIN MONTAGE" and "END MONTAGE".  You don't need them (the montages), they take up space.  The scenes read fine without it.

Keep your writing simple.  All too often I notice writers doing what you're doing here:


Quoted Text


A drowned and saturated ADAM stands in an aisle. Water drips
from soggy sleeves. Eyes stare coldly.


Keep it simple:

Adam stands in the aisle, his clothes dripping wet.

And


Quoted Text

Kat jumps in fright, holds a hand to her chest and wears a
terrified look.


Keep it simple:

Kat cups a hand over her mouth in shock.

Also, this line of dialogue doesn't sound like a child


Quoted Text

He crept in through the window in
the middle of the night and stole
me away like a phantom of the dark.


Sorry I did not have the exact page numbers for those 3 examples.

As far as Liminality goes, I stopped at page 52.  You have a semi-interesting idea going here and I was really intrigued at some points but it's not enough when there are no goals, stakes or urgency.  Page 36 has Edward suddenly succumbing to Adam and declaring to the child "I will find him."  Two pages later, page 38, they're ordering seafood.  Almost ten pages later, Edward tells another character that he's going to "find out."  There's a lot of wandering going on here.  There's something very strange going on but no one's doing anything to figure out what in the fuck it is that's going on. haha.  Frankly things should be happening by the time I bailed.  Hell, things should be happening by page 38 but instead our characters are ordering seafood.

You want to give your characters a goal.  You want to add stakes to that goal.  And you want to put a time table behind this in the form of some urgency.  If a character wants something bad enough (goal) and needs it right now (urgency) or else it's his ass (stakes), you will usually have the makings of a good script.  ESPECIALLY if a character cares a huge amount about something and wants this something really, really bad, then we too as readers/viewers will want the character to achieve this something.  An idea to help get things moving along:  maybe Adam and Amy's spirits are disappearing and/or "fading away" (ala Marty McFly from Back to the Future) and Rose and Edward have to figure out who killed them/what happened to them before they are gone forever.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 5
Leegion
Posted: May 17th, 2014, 8:01am Report to Moderator
New


Location
England
Posts
491
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hey deadite,

Sorry you didn't finish it.  I'll take everything you said and try to work on that.

I'm off my game at the minute.  Not sure if I'll ever get back on track at this rate.  I have, as writers say, Writer's Block, but in a weird way.  I can still write, but it all comes out weird and nonsensical, just like this.

-Lee
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 5
Guest
Posted: May 17th, 2014, 10:54am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
712
Posts Per Day
0.14
Well whatever the case may be, get The Last Sundown up and posted.  It sounds badass and I'm really looking forward to it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 5
Leegion
Posted: May 17th, 2014, 11:08am Report to Moderator
New


Location
England
Posts
491
Posts Per Day
0.10

Quoted from Guest
Well whatever the case may be, get The Last Sundown up and posted.  It sounds badass and I'm really looking forward to it.


I'll work on getting it up by the end of May.  I'm having no problem with fantasy stuff, it's just modern tales that I'm sucking at, lol.  

Weird month.  Everyone has one.

-Lee
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 5
Busy Little Bee
Posted: September 14th, 2014, 3:49am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
324
Posts Per Day
0.05
Both the title and premise appear out there, so at least they are consistence and in a garner some sort of mystery and intrigue. This is one that you have dive into and see because there's no goal in your premise, which could lead on to believe that the hero will reacting to forces, but that's common in horror too. I'm going to give it a look and, see I always try to when someone is active on the sigh.

BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 5
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Horror Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006