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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Demon Within Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Demon Within  (currently 6415 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2014, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Demon Within by Mickey Hatewood - Horror - After witnessing the brutal massacre of her family and undertaking years of institutionalized psychiatric treatment, Karen Reed returns to her secluded childhood home where she discovers her parents may be involved in a devilish secret.  90 pages - pdf, format


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khamanna
Posted: May 17th, 2014, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Mickey,

Your script picked my attention - I have a feature by the same title (without "the"), how weird is that)
Anyway, I read about 30 pages of yours.
I liked a lot about it - the characters, the dialog feels very natural. The script flows nicely. And I liked all the description - very well done I think. Also, you set up the mood perfectly.

My complaint is - not much happening in it. While I like Karen I still don't know much about her. I think by this point (I'm on p30) you could have let us in. That would make us root for her and like her a bit better. Otherwise I don't even know if I like her, she's kind of too quiet and do-nothing sort of gal.

Looks like it's all in her head - but I think you need to fool us better. Make us believe it's not. Give her parents some motivation to plot against her - that way it would be believable and more of a thrill.
From first 12 pages I learned that Karen is getting back home - not much for me. I do think it takes skill to get into the story slowly but still...
It reads fast though and I think it's because the writing is fine and the whole thing flows very well.
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MickeyHatewood
Posted: May 18th, 2014, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you to Don for hosting my script. I appreciate it.

Khamanna, thank you for giving this one a read and devoting your time to sharing your thoughts. I appreciate the gesture. If you have a script you would like to share, I will gladly give it a read.

I'm pleased - or to use a better word, relieved - some of the aspects worked for you. I realize at this stage of the script that a lot of work still needs to be done, but the basic foundations are in place.
There's a lot of cheese I will probably look at removing at a later date - I'm not completely satisfied with the dialogue at the moment and a couple of scenes make me cringe (and not in the way a horror movie is meant to) but I will be looking to resolve these in a rewrite. I do appreciate your compliments, particularly in setting mood.

Without ruining/spoiling "the plot", you're not far off or wrong in any of your criticisms. I wanted to play the first draft safe, but leave myself plenty of room to thicken the mixture.
I quite like this version... it has the slow pace I wanted. I know not everyone digs the slow build and that's fine. I do have several ideas on how to up the ante but I'd like to let them simmer before I toss them into the fire as they would obviously change the dynamics dramatically.

Thank you for reading.
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khamanna
Posted: May 22nd, 2014, 3:23am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MickeyHatewood
If you have a script you would like to share, I will gladly give it a read.



Thanks, Mickey. I'm in the process of rewriting my horror feature. I'll put it up on boards once it's done. But let me finish it and finish reading your script first. I'll PM you once I put it up. And you'll see the rest of the review for yours here soon.
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TheReccher
Posted: May 23rd, 2014, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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I'm getting a strong Rosemary's Baby vibe with this one, what with the slow burner pacing, the dream sequences, the suspitious creepy older couple and the vulnerable female protagonist who's utterly alone and can't even trust loved ones.

I do understand the kind of story-telling you were going for. I love films that utilize that well (wasn't a fan of how it was done in the recent Godzilla). To me there has to be a strong sense of tension under the surface that can help a slow paced film keep afloat. I can't quite put my finger on why it's not working for me here. Because I do feel all the characters are well done. I felt plenty of sympathy and compassion for Karen despite what she did, I got into the mystery of the couple and was wondering what was going on with them, the doctors spoke believably, dialogue was, almost consistenetly strong despite some moments here and there where it didn't feel human enough and the beggining sets the uneasiness and atmosphere up nicely. I don't feel any conflict soon enough into the story. She's just walking around aimlessly most of the time, weird creepy things happen, something not quite right, walk around some more, rinse and repeat. The story lacks material and feels very streteched thin. This becomes obvious in the fact that you have a lot of double spaced action descriptions and yet it still barely meets the mimumum standard running time.

The dream sequences got way too tedious. Half way through I was praying "please don't end up being another dream," when things got interesting. And the dream with the demon clock felt, something that thick and pulpy shouldn't have come that late into the picture. Because up until than, most of the horror tone came from the little things, the hints, the forshadows and the feeling in the back of the mind something isn't right. In spite of the blood filled opening, it seemed like you were trying for more of a restrained, small scale horror and than...oozing demon clock. The ending was a little too, anti climactic and the climax was all over the place.  

The characters, the dialogue and set-up are there and well done, focus on tightening up the structure, tone, bring more cohesion to the climax. As of now, this feels like an episode of a television show stretched out to movie length. Compress it down and try to add more meat to the story. As of now, I'm not seeing a justified 90 page story.

Good luck.
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MickeyHatewood
Posted: May 24th, 2014, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there TheReccher,

Thanks for your review. I appreciate it. I agree with all you have to say, in fact your points mirror my own notes on where I feel I need to improve. Since I don't really have anyone else I can bounce ideas off, your review has helped give me the confirmation I needed.

It does feel incredibly stretched...  it barely crawls to the finishing line. If I tightened the action lines, it would be probably come in at about 80pages, maybe less. So plenty of room to add some much needed meat to the bones.  

A quick word on the "demonic clock". I'm surprised I don't have marks on my forehead due the amount of times I've face-palmed myself when reading this. There's a couple of other similar scenes, notably the finale, that will get the chop.

I appreciate your encouraging words and thank you again for your review. Drop me a line, in here or PM, if you have anything you would like me to read.

Mick,
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khamanna
Posted: June 23rd, 2014, 7:12am Report to Moderator
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Hey again, Michey,

I'm too late, I know, but here it is. My review.

Few notes at first:

P33 “My brother offered me an opportunity to work for him in Dubai” rephrase “My brother offered me a position in Dubai. Otherwise there’s an opportunity to work in Dubai, but offering an opportunity doesn’t ring right.
P34 – a lot of orphans on this page. They never bother me, I wouldn’t even know what an orphan is… but most people complain when they see one in my texts. So I decided to let you know…
P35 – Their talk doesn’t sound natural to me. Her lines sound too melodramatic. Especially the first part “To be found.. alone” I think by now I should know what really happened to Karen and not just from the logline. Now it wouldn’t be good place to give us some details.
P37 She lies – typo here
P41 your not you’re - typo  
P41 a bit of exposition here. Especially for someone with a secret. “We can’t let anyone get in our way. We can’t let that to happen” “It’s us against them” – think you should cut it. Or rephrase maybe.
P51 – Wouldn’t it be good to show Jill listen to Karen’s phone conversation with Bill? Would add up to suspense. Not to the whole thing – maybe just overhear Ben say “they are devil worshippers”.
P65 – there’s no transition here to the flashback. I wish there was. Like earlier, when she got into a shed she started traumatic dream sequences. That fit nicely into the story. But this one here is kidn of out of context.
P 68. Seemingly typo – The doors unblock.
P76 – Karens dialog at the bottom is a bit cliché. Could she start with an example may be. What does she want Richard to do? Look after a baby. Baby lies in soiled diapers, Richard does nothing…

And overall impression, suggestions etc:

I really liked the middle part, where we start doubting her parents. I wish there was more of that. Maybe add Ben as well, let us worry about him being in alliance with her parents or something.

In my opinion this flashback comes way too late in the story. Maybe you better show Richard and Karen much earlier but up to the moment where she stabs him.

I’m not sure I like the ending. I don’t understand why she killed herself at the end. I also didn’t understand where she was – as she was in a a shed when Ben and Doctor came, but apparently she was in the house fighting her parents.

The whole thing suddenly picked up towards the end and went way to fast and gory. I think you skipped too much and presented all that in a series of flashbacks. That feels almost like cheating. This was a psychological thriller at the beginning – almost up to p 76. Then it turned into a gory horror. I’d prefer you to take things slow.

I think you could make us suspect Ben as we do suspect her parents in strange activities. Make Ben call her parents. Tell them “she knows” or something. Then Ben comes. Let them put up a fight, otherwise it’s way too easy.

The part where we learn she’s the evil in the story – make it shine. Make us cheer for her when she kills her Dad at first maybe. And only then learn that she’s nuts.


So, overall – a bit more texture and faster pace for the first part. Slower pace and more of a thrilling psychological stuff in the third part please.

The middle is great. Otherwise I really enjoyed the read. I cared about Karen and stuff that’s been happening to her – that’s really important.
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MickeyHatewood
Posted: June 23rd, 2014, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Khamanna,

Thank you for your review.  I appreciate you took the time first time round, and with upmost respect, I wasn't really expecting a follow up so this comes as a pleasant surprise.  To read and review a complete strangers script with no guarantee of a reply or acknowledgment is an incredibly kind gesture.  I do intend to return the favour, just let me know when you've got something you'd like to share.

I am knee deep in a couple of other scripts at the moment and would like to finish them off before I tackle a review but I would like to think I'll be around for a while so I hope there's no rush.

Back to TDW.

I'm leaving it for a while.  I have a few ideas to play around with.  One idea was to go down the Psycho II route, but then I realized I was treading a too similar path. The problem really lies ( or is that lays?) with the premise.  It was always going to be a hard sell due to how obvious everything is.  
I think to have everyone except Karen seemingly involved in a devil worshipping cult of some sort, all related to the opening murder, would be the best way to go. Ultimately try and push that as far as possible.  Onto your helpful notes:


Quoted Text
P33 �My brother offered me an opportunity to work for him in Dubai� rephrase �My brother offered me a position in Dubai. Otherwise there�s an opportunity to work in Dubai, but offering an opportunity doesn�t ring right.


Yes, you're right. Thanks.


Quoted Text
P34 � a lot of orphans on this page. They never bother me, I wouldn�t even know what an orphan is� but most people complain when they see one in my texts. So I decided to let you know�


Same, they don't really bother me too much but... three orphans. Probably three more than necessary. They will be vanquished as will...


Quoted Text
P35 � Their talk doesn�t sound natural to me. Her lines sound too melodramatic. Especially the first part �To be found.. alone� I think by now I should know what really happened to Karen and not just from the logline. Now it wouldn�t be good place to give us some details.


... the majority of this scene.  I agree with you.  It's over the top and all a bit soap opera dramatic.  I'd like to think this scene more as a place holder.  I wanted to deliver exposition but not reveal the truth.  The thing is, it's obvious what Karen did. To try and string the audience along by concealing them from the truth - yet the characters know what happened - is just not likely to go down well.  It should be the other way around.  Just to ask: Did you mean it would be a good place to spill some details or it wouldn't be?


Quoted Text
P37 She lies � typo here
P41 your not you�re - typo  


Thanks for these.


Quoted Text
P41 a bit of exposition here. Especially for someone with a secret. �We can�t let anyone get in our way. We can�t let that to happen� �It�s us against them� � think you should cut it. Or rephrase maybe.


Noted.


Quoted Text
P51 � Wouldn�t it be good to show Jill listen to Karen�s phone conversation with Bill? Would add up to suspense. Not to the whole thing � maybe just overhear Ben say �they are devil worshippers�.


I do like the idea, but I wouldn't want to use it twice as I used this idea a bit later on. As of now, both parents are out at work.  Karen's losing it.  The phone call pushes her further over the edge.


Quoted Text
P65 � there�s no transition here to the flashback. I wish there was. Like earlier, when she got into a shed she started traumatic dream sequences. That fit nicely into the story. But this one here is kidn of out of context.


Yeah, I see what you mean.  I was aiming for reflection - could have had her slump in a sullen state in the shed and then bring her back in similar poise in the flashback. Food for thought.


Quoted Text
P 68. Seemingly typo � The doors unblock.


Thanks.  Bit of an awkward line here to be honest.  


Quoted Text
P76 � Karens dialog at the bottom is a bit clich�. Could she start with an example may be. What does she want Richard to do? Look after a baby. Baby lies in soiled diapers, Richard does nothing�


Understood.  However, I didn't want to give her the slightest reason for her outburst. Richard's a competent father. Karen has bouts of rage, likely to explode at any moment due to her severe antenatal depression.


Quoted Text
I really liked the middle part, where we start doubting her parents. I wish there was more of that. Maybe add Ben as well, let us worry about him being in alliance with her parents or something.


Thanks.  The whole idea is set around paranoia, what's real and what's not, did this happen or did it actually happen like it appeared... I would like to make that more of the central theme.  By including Ben and the parents, as you suggested, and perhaps a few oddball townsfolk, I'd like to think there might be a tight, tense little tale to be told. This also adheres to a lower budget, which I admit was part of the original plan.


Quoted Text
In my opinion this flashback comes way too late in the story. Maybe you better show Richard and Karen much earlier but up to the moment where she stabs him.


I was thinking of replacing a few of the (many) earlier dream sequences with quick shots of her replaying the incident in her head, building up to the full flashback which comes towards the end.  I'd like to have Richard drift around a lot earlier in the script, it could make for some interesting sequences especially when Karen and Ben are in the same scene.


Quoted Text
I�m not sure I like the ending. I don�t understand why she killed herself at the end. I also didn�t understand where she was � as she was in a a shed when Ben and Doctor came, but apparently she was in the house fighting her parents.


Definitely plan on changing the ending.  The "monster" at the end -- hmm.  I'll try to explain.  I think you already know what happened, but this is probably more beneficial for me to write it out  

Karen killing the monster is what she sees. In reality, she's not stabbing the creature but stabbing herself. The house is not collapsing; Richard was never there; it's all part of her warped mind.
Now,  she ends up in the basement,  but regarding where she was when Ben and Doctor arrived... could go two ways.

1) She killed her parents.  Hid in the shed.  Watched Doctor arrive.  Ran back in the house.  Killed Doctor.  Ran back to shed.  Watched Ben arrive.  Killed Ben.  Ran back to shed.  Then she had her mini-meltdown and passed out.  
When she awoke, what she saw - Doctor and Ben arriving - was actually all in her mind.  A way of dealing with what she had done, passing blame to something else. When she cuts her palm on a crucifix in the shed, her hand is not actually bleeding from a cut. It's already blood covered from the massacre.  Same when she reenters the house and slips on the blood covered floor, except now her guilt is expanding.  The demonic voice she hears is her own conscience, telling her to get the heck out you're gonna be in some serious trouble.

2) She killed everyone, hid in the shed, passed out. When she woke...

Yeah, it's asking a lot for readers to come to those conclusions.  So I will be sure to come up with something much more clear cut.


Quoted Text
The whole thing suddenly picked up towards the end and went way to fast and gory. I think you skipped too much and presented all that in a series of flashbacks. That feels almost like cheating. This was a psychological thriller at the beginning � almost up to p 76. Then it turned into a gory horror. I�d prefer you to take things slow.


I agree with you, I think on reflection this script was as confused as Karen.  I wanted to write a slow building but simple haunted house/ creature feature script.  I had concerns over being able to maintain suspense until the end - or keeping reader interest - so fell foul of including various genre tropes.  
That said, I'm quite content with this as a first draft.  The rush of flashbacks and  increase in pace were meant to give a frenzied feel to reflect Sarah's state but I can understand - and share - the feeling the execution was poorly delivered.


Quoted Text
I think you could make us suspect Ben as we do suspect her parents in strange activities. Make Ben call her parents. Tell them �she knows� or something. Then Ben comes. Let them put up a fight, otherwise it�s way too easy.
The part where we learn she�s the evil in the story � make it shine. Make us cheer for her when she kills her Dad at first maybe. And only then learn that she�s nuts.


This is a good idea.  I'm definitely going to rewrite the ending.  I know House Of The Devil gets a lot of hate, but I'm a fan of that movie.  I'd like to replicate some of that film's tension.  In a way, I see this script as the role reversal of that film.


Quoted Text
So, overall � a bit more texture and faster pace for the first part. Slower pace and more of a thrilling psychological stuff in the third part please.

The middle is great. Otherwise I really enjoyed the read. I cared about Karen and stuff that�s been happening to her � that�s really important.


Thank you Khamanna for your review and your comments. They are incredibly helpful.

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
MickeyHatewood  -  June 23rd, 2014, 9:14pm
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: September 14th, 2014, 4:20am Report to Moderator
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Congrats on completing a feature!

This sound as though it has potential, main character, opponent and some sense of the outcome. I am a bit wondering about the wording as far as her family being massacred but yet she returns to her parents. Seeing as you appear active, I'll take a look

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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MickeyHatewood
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Thanks BLB for the look-in.

To update, I want to thank this site for providing my script exposure.  I have recieved and accepted an assignment with a production company. I will be working on this exciting new project, so The Demon Within will have to remain as it is for the time being.

All the best,
M
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Fernando
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i liked the dialogue in your script, hatewood.  very natural, feels real.  i think that's its main asset.  
i liked in particular the scene when the protagonist is looking for a job, and it turns out that the crazy lady is the owner of the  place.  very nice touch.
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