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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Christmas Carp Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Christmas Carp  (currently 994 views)
Don
Posted: May 21st, 2014, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Christmas Carp by Steph Garcia (greatbeyond) - Short, Historical Fiction - Amidst the Velvet Revolution in Czechoslovakia, a young boy tries to hold on to a simple holiday tradition. 6 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 21st, 2014, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Some thoughts Steph

You don't need the logline on your cover page, or in the script really.
I think SUERIMPOSE is normally shortened to SUPER
CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS doesn't really need to be in caps.
Hidden, ALEXANDER... if he's hidden the camera can't see him so there's no need for this line here... if you are trying to show he's spying on them then I think you need to explain... 'peeps round the door frame' or something similar.
I think some of the dialogue is a little too formal, try mixing in it's instead of it is etc. As it's written it reads as if you are trying to imply they are talking with thick accents - not sure this really worked for me.
Would Alexi really respond that way to bullies pushing him down? Sounds a little too mature perhaps?

I was intrigued by the carp, there's loads of great Christmas traditions round the world so a fertile ground for great stories... so I personally wanted to know more about why the Carp and why it was so important (I'm off to Google it now)?

Also as a suggestion, perhaps when Daniel appears you could imply that he's sold his shoes and something else, maybe a previously referenced jacket - to show he has sacrificed more to get a whole carp and make up for not helping Alexi.

Did like the heart of this, a re-write and maybe expansion on a couple of elements would improve it further.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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