SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 3:43am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Raindrops Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 10 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Raindrops  (currently 931 views)
Don
Posted: May 23rd, 2014, 6:53am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Raindrops by Paul Carver - Short, Crime - A young couple getting ready for bed in their home start to experience strange occurrences. 4 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 23rd, 2014, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Hi Paul,

Some thoughts, offered constructively but ultimately just my opinion.

Screenplay formatting
1) You dont need to repeat the Victorian house but, it;s in the slugline so need to repeat it.
2) For a spec script, it's better not to include camera shots, angles and movements - directors like to figure those things out themselves (if you are planning to direct this yourself then please ignore this one).
3) You also don't need Cut To, used to be common but now transition between scenes is shown by the new slugline.
4) Try and keep everything you do active rather than passive, so remove We see's and things like that.
5) Think about your action lines and their contruction, they should be quick and fluid, not every detail needs mentioning and remember to make it all active.
An example
They begin to ready their bed. Lori lays down and gets under
the covers. Daniel turns out the lights to the room and
walks over to the bed. Just as he sits down into bed, a
piano is heard starting to play. Lori sits up, worried. Dan,
caught off guard, looks to her.

could be written as

Lori gets into bed and snuggles under the covers.
Daniel turns the lights off and moves to join her when a PIANO strikes up.

6) Fade Out is right aligned.

Story itself
Feels a little like Paranormal Activity, so I'd be careful to not be too derivative.
Loved the reveal that Raindrops isn't in her CD collection - that was clever.
Then just when you'd got my attention it stopped! Is this meant to be the first few pages of something longer?

So overall, some format tidying required but that can be fixed... but some promise here, keep on with it.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
Ledbetter
Posted: May 23rd, 2014, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey paul,

Pretty much everything Anthony mentioned, I second.

One thing I would consider changing is the slug name.

Give the couple a last name and perhaps use it instead.

Daniel and Lori SMITH.

Then you can use something more personal like -

INT. SMITH HOME - DAY

IMO it feels more personal...


    LORI
*whispers* Go on!

Needs to be --

   LORI
(whispers)
  Go on!

Also,

This reads a little off--

A broken window is found in the living room.

--------

It could read a little differently as well. Maybe--

The living room floor is covered with shattered glass from a broken window.

These are small things that popped up while I was reading.

Other than that, no complaints here. The story was good. It just could use a little tightening up.

Take care,

Shawn.....><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006